Capture Your Grief: Days 9-15 in 2013

9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?


  
Music just hasn't played a role in my grief.  Odd since music used to sing my life, but it hasn't with this.

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not.



I think this is summed up well in the image I've shared several times of Taylor and the quote on the graphic...:

I believe whole heartedly that I will get to raise my children in the Millennium, doing what brings me both the most frustration as well as the most joy - being a mother.  This is an incredible opportunity to me and I look forward to it more than perhaps anything else. 


11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?


Birthdays, due dates, Christmas...
Taylor was due on her aunt's birthday but was born on her grandmother's birthday.
Seth was due just days after Christmas but was born on his uncle's birthday.

When we go to take family pictures and they aren't there, when we have to substitute our Molly Bears in place of our angel children, I remember them and it's a big trigger for me.

With another annual family picture coming up soon, I'm planning to crochet outfits for our bears again so our angels can be properly represented in our family picture.  This is a trigger for me.



12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.


If I think of anything in particular, I'll come back and edit this.  For now, all that is on my mind is that same quote by Joseph Smith that I posted above on day 10.  

13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.



I read two books about grief.  However, I should probably re-read them as it was while I was still fairly deep in my own grief and I really don't remember much.  Again, I may update this later.

14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.

This is my family now - my 3 living children, clinging to their angel siblings represented by bears, huddled around a gravestone to celebrate a birthday that didn't come with chubby cheeks and discussion about walking and talking and all the milestones met over the past year.  We'll be adding another baby to our family, hopefully next month, and hopefully without the need to get another bear.  My husband and I love all 6 of our children and are so very excited to see the beautiful, happy face of our newest addition soon.  I haven't had to consider talking to this new baby about her angel siblings because they're always remembered in our home.



15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

Today, I want to remember the angels that I've come to hold close to my heart, as well as my own.  And so I speak their names (in no particular order):

Grant Abernathy
Miracle Abernathy
Lily Robbins
ElizabethVawdrey
Cordelia Casper
Luke Wood
Ayla Schneider
Autumn Phillips
Melena Harvey
Addison Johnson
Bryce Carter
Isaac Palmer
Porter Palmer
Jerom Shaver
Jocelyn Files
Liam Allred
Malachi Allred
Allison Mattes
Breckin Law
Brighton Law
Avery Friend
Caden Tozier
Clark Deneca
Little Fella Allen
Hope Lewis
Jude Hastings
Willow Hastings
Oliva Kunz
Skylar Fitzgerald
Harlee Fitzgerald
Matthew Fitzgerald
Vincent Valenzuela

And also Taylor Harvey & Seth Harvey.  So many angels.  So many grieving hearts yearning to hold their babies.  Many hugs and much love to the families of each of these babies who never came home from the hospital, who were born too soon, who were gone before they were even born.  So much love to each of you. There are so many more to add to this list, unnamed babies, babies not talked about, (and a few that I missed just because the list is so long) and this is just within my circle of extended friends.  Forgive me if I missed your angel.  PLEASE, write out your angel's name in the comments here.  I want to remember your angels.  All of them. 

Love to you all....

Capture Your Grief: Day 8 in 2013

Day 8. Colour: What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?

Seth's is light blue due to the abundance of light blue in all of his NILMDTS photos, mostly his hat.  And with Taylor, I'm not really sure why, but purple (not lilac) and red (not pink). 

Capture Your Grief: Day 7 of 2013

Day 7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

THIS is where I am in my grief right now.  This was last week, but still.  Today I am 35 weeks pregnant with the baby we lovingly call "Vash" (last paragraph) until we see her and can decide what her name really is.  Every day, I have to choose faith over fear.  Every day, when I start feeling her kick, I am so very reassured.  If I don't feel her, I have to think through and remind myself that she'll kick later, that she's fine, that she moved around yesterday, that she's probably just sleeping, etc.  It takes a while sometimes, but I try hard to keep my emotions in check.

As I approach my due date in a mere 5 weeks, I am feeling... well, I'm feeling.  Like I said, I have to talk myself out of fear.  I fear her dying still.  I fear a cord accident.  I fear a placenta issue.  I fear something happening during birth.  But, most days I'm able to push it all aside.  I'd say that's coming pretty far.

So, that's where I stand.  Constantly having to choose faith over fear, battling fear daily.  But my heart is lighter than it was.  I don't do that gasping-for-air crying anymore.  I get teary-eyed sometimes, but as far as my angels are concerned, I am at peace.  I have my purpose because of them.  I miss them, but my religion assures me that I'll see them again.  I know I won't see them in this life, but I'll see them again.  I miss them.  I love them.  But I'm okay.  I remember them every single day.  But I'm okay.  I am okay. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 6 of 2013

Day 6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

Nope.  No rituals.  No daily affirmations.  No prayers that are specific to my losses.  I only light candles on rare occasions like birthdays and Oct. 15th.  No mantras.

On birthdays, we do cupcakes and flowers.  Now that the gravestone is set, we visit the grave for birthdays, too.  Since Taylor didn't get her own, her name is on Seth's gravestone, too.

The above 3 were Taylor's first birthday.  Chocolate cupcakes because every girl needs chocolate, and roses because she's a beautiful princess!

The below 3 were Seth's first birthday.  They actually had dragonfly cupcakes!!  And he got flowers, too because I had been eying those flowers for him for months because they reminded me of him.

Capture Your Grief: Day 5 of 2013

Day 5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

Two big memories of Taylor - first, sitting in a parking lot getting a text from my very dear friend, Ashley, who gave me the quote on this red image above.  This quote helped me SO much through both of my losses.  She said she felt like it was what she was supposed to say, though she had no idea what to say herself.  She was inspired to share this with me, because my Heavenly Father loves me and knew it was exactly what I needed.

Next was her birth and how absolutely horrified I was when I realized that my baby's body was flushed down a toilet.  I'm still ready to cry my eyes out just thinking of it - both because of how it makes me feel now as well as because of remembering my feelings then.  The pain of not seeing her is nearly more than I can handle.  I try hard to push those feelings aside and focus on that quote above. 

With Seth, obviously a huge memory was finding out he was a boy instead of a girl like the ultrasound tech said!  I studied him for a long time.  His muscular legs.  His open eyes.  His adorable nose.  His shoulders.  His knees.  His bone structure.  His facial expression.  Isn't he just beautiful?  He died at 16 weeks gestation.  That's still a legal age for abortion.  Can you even imagine that some people kill a baby that is this perfectly formed?  Look at him.  No, really look at him.  That little body may only be 6" long, but how incredible! 

Of course it makes sense that this would be such a tremendous memory for me, considering what I just told you about Taylor.  I didn't get to see her body, so his meant the world to me. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 4 of 2013

Day 4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

As I explained on Day 2, I believe my losses lead me to a purpose - making angel clothing to help others feel a little comfort and love, and a little less alone during their loss.

These were all from August.  Hopefully I'll have my September stuff photographed soon to post.  I had to get a little help with some necklines on some of the new Taylor gowns because I was doing them awkwardly. 

Anyway, with every outfit I make, my angels' legacy is embodied.  This is what I was lead to do (who picks up crocheting as quickly as I did unless it was something they were called to do, like I believe I have been?).  Their lives had purpose, and this is it... to bring about love and compassion toward other angel parents.

Capture Your Grief: Day 3 of 2013

Day 3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.

I think I covered this last year in this post:  What (not) to say

However, to kinda answer things a little differently this year, I'd say here is a myth that bother me...

#1 - Time heals all.  This too shall pass.  You're still grieving, it's been so long.
As I've said before, people continue to grieve their lost sibling or parent or grandparent or friend years after they've passed.  Why would you expect any less when someone has lost a child?  As soon as you're pregnant, you start making plans - holiday plans (Seth was due Dec 28 so I began planning Christmas at home rather than with family), home plans (if Seth were born alive, we would have needed to consider building in the basement because we just wouldn't be able to fit 3 boys in one bedroom), budgeting (even with insurance, delivering a baby costs money, as do clothes and diapers, etc), and so much more!  When you lose that baby before he or she is even born, all those plans and dreams change.  You've lost a child AND the future you had envisioned.  And it hurts.  Every holiday, you think about how you could have or should have had another baby crawling around, starting school, or whatever is relevant.  Time helps, but it doesn't completely heal and the death of a child never passes.  Ever.

Sometimes I think I must SEEM like I'm "over it" because I don't cry so much.  Other times I think I must SEEM like I'll never be "over it" because I still do all my angel work and am constantly reaching out to people, trying so hard to help... which makes me think people must think I SEEM like I'm "over it" since I'm to a place where I can do that kind of stuff.

I just want to say that I think of both Taylor and Seth daily.  I think of them as often as I think of my three living children.  They're always in the back of my mind.  Other people thinking or speaking of them makes me happy.  I don't like thinking that they've been forgotten.  They'll always be mine and I'll always remember them.  Always.

Capture Your Grief: Day 2 of 2013

Day 2. Identity:
What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

TAYLOR

We chose this name because she died at 13w1d and was born at 14w1d - we never got to see her tiny body and it was too soon for ultrasound to show a gender.  We HIGHLY believe Taylor was a girl, but just in case, we didn't want to offend our little one, so we chose an androgynous name.  I went through the book "The Baby Name Wizard" and found a list of androgynous names.  I highlighted the ones that I liked best (Aubrey, Billie, Drew, Jody, Joey, Micah, Quinn, Reese, Robin, Taylor) and let Ben choose from that list.  He chose Taylor, which I was pleased with.  To read about her birth details, go HERE. 

Since then, I've found that her purpose was to introduce me to the community of loss mothers.  Being in the loss community already helped me with what was coming next.

SETH MICAH

As described HERE, we found out that we lost this sweet baby when I went in for my gender-reveal ultrasound at 19 weeks.  They were so positive that we were having a girl that the tech colored the gender-shot screen pink.  We chose the name Isabelle with no middle name, just as our little Taylor girl has no middle name.  Then I delivered my baby and found out that he was ALL BOY!  I pulled out my phone to look up my name list I had sent to my sister and read off all the boy names.  Ben said Seth was the only one that really stood out to him.  From there, we decided it sounded short and he needed a middle name, so I chose Micah to go with it (another name from our list). 

Seth means "Annointed."  Micah means "Who Is Like God?" (never understood why this is followed by a question mark).  However, both names are scriptural, biblical.  Seth was the perfect son of Adam (See D&C 107:43 or look up Seth in the Bible Dictionary) and Micah was a prophet (see HERE for more about Micah).  In our religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe that children are without sin, they are not accountable for their actions until they reach the age of accountability (age 8, unless other mental handicaps are present).  This means that our tiny son died while still perfect in the sight of our Heavenly Father.  Although he lived in my womb, he was never subjected to the sins of this world, he never sinned, he was in fact quite perfect.  So the name Seth has ended up being quite perfect for our little boy. 

For his birth details, read HERE. 
As for his features - he was a mere 6" long and 3oz.  He was slender yet very muscular as he wasn't old enough to have gained any real baby fat yet.  His eyes were open (which they say doesn't happen for another few weeks after he had died).  He had some swelling on the back of his head from being gone for so long before his birth (remember, he died at 16weeks and was born at 19w4d) but his hat covered it so we could enjoy everything else without being afraid.  He had a cute little nose and chin.  To me, he was absolutely beautiful.  

Now, like I was saying, Taylor's loss had me enter the community of loss mothers.  That enabled me to know about NILMDTS and get the pictures of Seth that I treasure more than I can describe.  While we anticipated Isabelle's arrival, I had picked out some outfits hoping one would fit our little girl, and it gave me comfort to know she'd be dressed like any other baby.  Then, we had a boy.  I was sad that the clothes were no longer appropriate for our baby.  All the pictures of him are of a little naked baby, sometimes wrapped in a blanket.  Since then, I've learned to crochet to make angel clothing and sewn more angel clothing and all of it has been donated out to photographers and hospitals, hoping others will be able to dress their babies.  Of course I have a special place in my heart for the tiniest outfits, the ones that would have fit my little Seth.  Those are my favorites to make because they mean so much more to me.  

I lost my babies because there is a need in this world, a need to comfort grieving parents, to extend a hand of love to show grieving parents that they're not alone.  Making angel clothing is how I go about accomplishing the task I have been called to do.  I will likely always do it.  I hated that my baby was naked and cold.  We were so sure we were having a girl, though.  Who would have thought to bring boy clothes "just in case?"  I don't blame anyone.  It just makes me sad.  After everyone had left, before I gave Seth to the nurses so the funeral home could take him away, I had the nurses bring me a full-term baby hat to wrap him in, to keep his toes warm, to act like a sleeping bag because I hated him being so cold.  Yes, I know he couldn't feel the cold, but it made me feel better to have him warmly wrapped.  Hopefully, my efforts will help so that other parents don't have to use full-term items to wrap their tiny ones in.

So that's how I perceive their identities.  They introduced me to the loss community and to the needs of those who have lost.  The work I do is in remembrance of my sweet angels, and hopefully it brings comfort, even the tiniest bit, to other grieving parents.

Capture Your Grief: Day 1 of 2013

Day 1: Sunrise, the beginning of the photo journaling event capturing the grief in my world of pregnancy and infant loss.  Remember, in October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child,there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.”

I snapped a few pictures "at" sunrise, but with the mountains in our backyard, it's hard to get much.  So this is about 45 minutes after sunrise as the sun peaks over the mountaintops.  I had to get it as I drove my oldest sweetheart to school, hence the mirror.  But, being on the road seemed appropriate since I've been traveling this road for a while now. 


For 2012's image

Upcoming CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF

It's about that time of year...  CarlyMarie's Project Heal "Capture Your Grief" is coming up again throughout October.  Last year's photo journaling experience was amazing and I really enjoyed it every day.  I don't know if I'll do EVERY day again this year, but there are many days that I'm looking forward to.

If anyone wants to join in, here is the link and what CarlyMarie wrote out about each day to guide you through it. 

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html

1. Sunrise: Just like last year, I thought it would be very meaningful for us all to capture the beginning of this journey and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning.
2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?
3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.
4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.
5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?
6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?
7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?
8. Colour: What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?
9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?
10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not.
11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?
12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.
13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.
14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.
15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.
16. Seasons: Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Etc. Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?
17. Time: How long has it been since your baby died.
18. Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?
19. Support: Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?
20. Hope: Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future.
21. Honour: Is there anything that you have done to honour your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.
22. Words: Share your favourite quote, poem, song lyrics, scripture that you have found.
23. Tattoos/Jewellery: Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby? Or maybe a tattoo. Please feel welcome to share links too.
24. Artwork: Have you created a piece of artwork in the wake of your baby’s death? Or maybe someone has given you some artwork to honour your baby? Please feel welcome to share links to your own website or to other artists.
25. #SayItOutLoud: Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag. STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?
26. Community: What does this community mean to you?
27. Signs: If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?
28. Special Place: This could be your baby’s place of rest. If they do not have a grave, maybe you have a special place that you associate with your baby. A place you go to, to remember them. Where is it? Why did you choose that particular place?
29. Healing: What has had the most healing impact on your life through this journey of grief?
30. Growth: Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?
31. Sunset: To close this project and this month of BabyLoss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

Capture Your Grief - Days 24-31

Day 24: Siblings

Day 25: Blessing
     Taylor did not get a blessing as we never were able to see her body, and thus no burial or any formal ceremonies for her.  Seth, on the other hand, we buried.  And although it is not an "official" church blessing, it is still something that is allowed to be done for these babies gone too soon.

Day 26: Their Age

Day 27: Artwork

Day 28: Memory
     A memory, positive or negative, from along this journey...
 One of my most significant memories...

With Taylor, it was realizing that I'd never see her precious body.  Even 9 months later, I still cry that I didn't get to see her.  It hurts so much.  But, when I'm having a good day, I try so hard to look at it as - in her ultrasound, she was in a praying position and perhaps that was/is a "sign" for me.  Perhaps it was important for me to always remember her in such a position.  Perhaps it's meant for me to remember to pray always, and signifies that she is now a heavenly being.  On my bad days, like last night, I cry.

With Seth, it was trying to hold myself together as I heard the news.  I asked if there was a nice, healthy heartbeat.  The ultrasound tech was stunned that I would ask, and even more so as she had to tell me that there was not.  I know she was holding herself together as best she could.  I knew that if I cried, she would too.  And I was surrounded by my kids, so I didn't want to upset them.  However, once I came outside and headed to the van, it just let loose.  I found myself curling into the outside wall, trying to let the kids go ahead of me, trying to re-group, but not doing well with the task.  It's like time just paused, things happened in slow motion, my head was empty almost like an out-of-body experience where I didn't exist in that moment; I was trying so hard to escape it.

Day 29: Music
    Music hasn't really played a role in my losses.

Day 30: Your Grief - Tell The World

"Owl" my children

Day 31: Sunset

Capture Your Grief - Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

I very much DO feel comfortable sharing my babies' photos.  I know that not everyone is comfortable seeing them, though.  So, proceed with caution.

First up is my baby girl, Taylor.  Remember, I never got to see her.  We aren't even positive Taylor was a girl, hence the androgynous name, but I strongly feel like Taylor was a girl.  This is my angel girl...

See how she's in a praying position, kneeling with her hands clasped?  What a righteous little spirit she is!  I love her so very much!  I wish so much I had seen her, but this is second best - an ultrasound photo just 3 days after she died that shows her kneeling in prayer.  It tugs at my heart strings a LOT.

As for Seth, I've shared pictures of him, kind of.  They're all wrapped in a blanket or of his feet or hand, but I've never posted his face here.  Today, that changes.  Remember, he died at 16 weeks gestation and wasn't born until 19w4d gestation, nearly a whole 4 weeks later.  So please be kind as you view him, if you choose to do so.  I think he's a handsome boy.  I try to imagine him fattened up like a full term bouncing baby boy.  Here, he's all muscle, no fat and incredibly tiny.  He was 6" long and only 3 ounces (though he would have been closer to 9 ounces if he had been born closer to when he died).  Proceed with caution and kindness...

His eyes were open when he was born, though some pictures were edited to have them closed as I know it freaks people out a bit to see them open.  I'm sharing color pictures, not black & white because I think he's beautiful like this.  See the polka dots?  This is why light blue, and to a lesser degree navy and red, are what I associate with him.  So tiny, so perfect, so handsome.  My Seth!

These are my children that don't live with me.  These are my children "with wings."  These are my children that I only get to cuddle teddy bears to represent.  These are MY CHILDREN.  Don't you just love them, too?  Oh, they are so precious and wonderful!

Capture Your Grief - Day 21: Alter/Shrine/Sacred Space

Day 21 - Alter/Shrine/Sacred Space

These are my shelves for my babies.  I've combined them since then because neither filled a full shelf.  The top is Seth's.  It includes pictures of him, and of me holding him.  The box holds the bracelet/bow set that we were photographed with, and the box was sent by my aunt and cousin after he was born.  Then is my Seth Bear holding the hat sent my Calvin's Hats.  The yellow onesie is how I told Ben we were pregnant this time.  In front of that is the diaper set from Teeny Tears (who did a blog post about the diapers made for the memory boxes I am making in his (and Taylor's) honor).  The blue folder is from the hospital, papers and pamphlets talking about grief and the papers from the mortuary about burial.  Then is the stack of blankets I talked about already, topped with a key chain dangle from Beadiful by Jennifer Sanchez that has Seth's photo on the front, and also a tiny blue-dressed angel bear that's closer to the length Seth was.

The bottom one is Taylor's.  It has my Taylor Bear, the weighted heart sent by A Heart to Hold, the key chain dangle that has Taylor's ultrasound picture on the back (Seth's picture on the front) and miniature purple-dressed bear that's closer to the length she would have been, her tiny hat from Calvin's Hats, and the big red picture has the ultrasound photo where she was in a praying position and the quote I relied on so much by Joseph Smith.

So this is how I honor my babies.  This is how I remember them.  Unfortunately, I have to keep it all in my room because Ben thinks it's "gross" to display any of the photos where others can see them.  He doesn't grieve for them; he says he has nothing to grieve because he never bonded with them, despite holding Seth's tiny perfect body.  So I mourn alone.  I remember alone.  I love alone.  But I will never forget my babies.  I will never stop loving them.  And I look forward to the day that I will get to be with them again, will get to raise them, will get to hug them.

I love you both.  Taylor & Seth, you are in my heart and in my memories always.

Since I wrote all that a few weeks ago, I added all the candles from the Wave of Light on the 15th on the bottom shelf, combined the items for both my babies on the middle shelf, hung the pictures of Seth on the wall, and the top shelf holds my scrapbook of both babies, a scarf a sweet loss-mama friend made for me that looks like the awareness ribbon (half pink, half blue) once you put it on, and once I print out more pictures - they'll go into the 5 picture frame with the pictures of my other 3 babies.  

Capture Your Grief - Day 20: Charity/Organization

Day 20: Charity/Organization

This one is hard.  There have been so many places and people that have really touched my heart.  I think the two that have meant the most have been NILMDTS that I talk about often, and also Molly Bears that I've mentioned recently.

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP is the organization that provides free photography for bereaved parents.  Actually, I found out recently that, if you know that your baby has died while you're still pregnant, they'll do maternity photos for you before you deliver and then still do the newborn photography for you after your baby's birth.  I found out a few days before delivering both times.  Other parents lose their babies during child birth or soon thereafter.  Heidi, from NILMDTS gave me so many pictures of Seth that I treasure so very much.  I look at them often.  I continue to study him, just as I did in the hospital.  I know that not everyone can find the beauty in him, but I do.  I think he was a beautiful little boy and I love looking at his pictures.

MOLLY BEARS is a non-profit company that makes teddy bears for bereaved parents that are weighted the same as their lost baby.  They personalize each of them, not only to the RIGHT weight, but also so that each bear is as unique as each child.  I hold my Taylor Bear and Seth Bear.  I cuddle them.  My kids cuddle them.  I kiss their heads as I would my babies' heads.  They have brought me so much comfort.  Taylor Bear is weighted to 2oz, Seth Bear to 3oz.  Some are 9 lbs and more.  Find their facebook page, too.

Capture Your Grief - Day 19: Project

Day 19: Project

 I made a facebook page called MOMMY'S HEART IN A BOX that covers a few different projects I've started as a result of my losses this year.  It started with memory boxes...

The include a journal, tissues, two tiny stuffed animals (one for the casket, one for mom to keep), a Scentsy travel tin, matching Teeny Tears diaper - gown - and blanket, matching burial outfit - hat - and blanket, matching bracelets for mom and baby and a scrapbook/photo book.

Then, it kind of expanded to include memorial graphics as I had been making some for others anyway and really enjoyed it.  PLEASE feel free to request a free graphic on the facebook page!!

And then it expanded further as people began requesting the tealight candle holders I had made for the Wave of Light on the 15th.

I try to keep as busy as I can to block out as many emotions as I can and to keep things positive.  Any time I start losing sight of my mission to help others as they grieve, sadness starts to overtake me.  Someone posted an article in one of my loss groups that said that mothers who lose their children at any age or stage of pregnancy are 300% more likely to die in the first two years after their loss.  Then it drops to something like 115% more likely than mothers who have not lost a child.  They said they didn't track the difference in types of deaths, so they didn't know if the increase was due to suicide or what-have-you.  However, I don't think it matters.  Once you've lost a child, you figure you have someone you long to see waiting for you in heaven, so if you should happen to get in a wreck or something, you're less likely to fight to stay alive than you would if you hadn't lost a child.  The article said that it didn't matter if these mothers had other living children or not.  Anyway, so I just keep myself busy so that I don't have time to entertain such thoughts.  I find others to serve, even if the "others" are my angel babies.  I have no time to dwell on grief and I prefer to keep it that way.  And hey, helping others is always great, right?!