12 weeks

I'm going to write this post in two sections.

Today is Monday, 4/29 and I am officially 12 weeks pregnant. 
This next month is going to be terrifying for me.  Again, I try to remember what my bishop says so very often - that the opposite of fear is faith, and to have faith always.  It's not that I don't have faith, it's just that I'm nervous.  I don't know what's going to happen and that leaves me uncertain.  Right now, I'm trying to envision a baby blessing in Dec/Jan and then a baptism (for my oldest) in March.  I'm wishing there was a way to combine them so that I wouldn't wonder if family would be able to afford coming to both.  But, before I get too into trying to move things around or really hoping to see family twice, I need to get to a point where I am certain we'll be planning both events.

This month in particular is going to be scary for me as Taylor died at 13 weeks and Seth died at 16 weeks.  This month will encompass both.  Remember that I am doing my very best to hold my emotions together and not let them run me or my life into chaos.  If I get a little testy, lazy, anxious, overly excitable, really busy with random distractions that aren't where you would think my priorities should be, or anything else - just remember that I'm doing my very best to focus on faith instead of fear.  I am holding it together as best as I can as I wonder if my child will live through this month or not, as my last two did not.  Cut me a little slack this month, and probably next month, too.  The whole second trimester is going to be filled with breathing exercises, constant prayer for comfort and strength, and emotions that are unpredictable.  I will get through it.  I just really hope that I get through it with a live baby still growing inside!

Today is now Thursday, 5/2 and I just got back from my second prenatal appointment.
My little Picard/Vash was happily bouncing/dancing around like crazy!  I used my doppler before I got out of bed this morning to make sure there was a heartbeat, especially since I had my two littles going with me.  Kiersten kept pointing "BABY!  HI, BABY!!" and Mitchell watched for a couple minutes, just long enough to see what appeared to be P/V waving HELLO to us!  Even my midwife was excited to see him/her bouncing all around like that!  Heart rate is in the 160's, just as it has been using my home doppler.  (I should mention real quickly...  my midwife's ultrasound machine is extremely weak.  You can't see much detail.  It's mostly just to confirm and date pregnancy, and make sure there's only one baby as licensed midwives in Utah cannot deliver twins at home, though unlicensed midwives can.  So these ultrasound pictures, just know that it's not a regular ultrasound, it's about as powerful as a doppler is all.  So the less than 5 minutes on my belly doesn't concern me the way frequent lengthy ultrasounds would using the cool "I can see everything" kind of high tech machines do.)  Anyway, so here are pictures of my little Picard/Vash!

GROW, BABY, GROW!