DAY 5 - The Passing

Monday, January 23, 2012
I met with my midwife again.  She did another quick ultrasound to let me know the condition of the baby so I could prepare myself for whatever I might see.  Using 200mg of Cytotec at 5pm, I prepared myself for the inevitable.

Around 9pm as we were reading scriptures and preparing for bed, my legs had shooting pains and I felt a little like I might be contracting.  Bleeding had finally started. 

At 9:30, I went to the bathroom again, passed a few clots that I checked to make sure I hadn't passed the baby yet (I felt something pass that felt similar to when I passed my first miscarriage), but all seemed well so I flushed and washed up, then went to lay down for a while.  I felt like oxytocin was running strong because, even knowing what I was anticipating, I had feelings of elation about the birth of my baby.

Around 10:30, my "nap" didn't last long.  It felt like my water broke, though I don't know if that was it or not.  It was a gushing sensation.  Just odd.  But again, checked the clots and then went to go tend to Kiersten who had barely woken up and needed to nurse a little.

About 12am,  I got up to go to the bathroom again, and as I did, blood came flooding out.  Blood trailed all the way from Kiersten's room, through the hall, and into the master bathroom where I had a towel laid out on the floor to catch any mess.  Once there, I let all the clots and blood flow onto the towel.  Again, I checked every single clot searching for my baby.  Then I cleaned up and Ben and I began using peroxide to clean up the blood from the light colored carpet. 

Around 12:30am, I sent Ben into town to grab some more peroxide since the carpet wasn't yet cleaned and we were running out.  While he was gone, I sat back on the toilet and passed more clots, this time I put a towel under the seat loosely to make a straining bowl to catch all the clots, which I checked of course. 

Around 1am, I began to pass the placenta.  I could tell because I could see part of the cord.  However, no matter how much I pushed or tried to help it out, it just wouldn't come.  I sat there on the toilet for an HOUR and a HALF waiting for it to finally come out.  It was a pretty big placenta for being 13-14 weeks.  Ben mentioned how weak the end of the cord appeared.  The cord seemed thick and strong where it attached to the placenta, but at the end that should have been attached to a baby, it was thin and weak.  We examined it closely.  There was no baby jumbled in the mess. 

3am and I finally got to go to bed.  I woke up around 6am to nurse Kiersten again, changed a very full pad, and went back to bed.  Woke up around 8:30am, bleeding had slowed tremendously. 

Tuesday, January 23, 2012
Time to go about my day.  Ben took off work, so I let him tend to the kids while I sat puzzled in my room.  How could there be a placenta but no baby?  I emailed my midwife who, at first, said I must need a second dose, as she assumed that it was a clot rather than the placenta that I passed.  I explained to her that it was most definitely a placenta with a cord and then she said birth doesn't work that way, and I must have passed the baby without knowing it.  She even said, "how strange you didn't see a 4 inch baby."  WHAT KIND OF MOTHER AM I???!  How could I have possibly flushed my baby without ever seeing it?  I what?  I just flushed it.  No "hello."  No "goodbye."  No "I wanted you so much and miss you terribly."  No tender touch of a mother's love.  Nothing.  The only thing that I can possibly imagine is that, when I felt something (I assumed a clot) pass around 9:30, the baby must have sunk immediately into the back of the toilet where I would have had to stick my hand into where the water flushes out to search for it.  That's the only thing I can think of, though I am hoping with all my heart and soul that birth went backwards this time around and the placenta came first.