Capture Your Grief: Day 7 of 2013

Day 7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

THIS is where I am in my grief right now.  This was last week, but still.  Today I am 35 weeks pregnant with the baby we lovingly call "Vash" (last paragraph) until we see her and can decide what her name really is.  Every day, I have to choose faith over fear.  Every day, when I start feeling her kick, I am so very reassured.  If I don't feel her, I have to think through and remind myself that she'll kick later, that she's fine, that she moved around yesterday, that she's probably just sleeping, etc.  It takes a while sometimes, but I try hard to keep my emotions in check.

As I approach my due date in a mere 5 weeks, I am feeling... well, I'm feeling.  Like I said, I have to talk myself out of fear.  I fear her dying still.  I fear a cord accident.  I fear a placenta issue.  I fear something happening during birth.  But, most days I'm able to push it all aside.  I'd say that's coming pretty far.

So, that's where I stand.  Constantly having to choose faith over fear, battling fear daily.  But my heart is lighter than it was.  I don't do that gasping-for-air crying anymore.  I get teary-eyed sometimes, but as far as my angels are concerned, I am at peace.  I have my purpose because of them.  I miss them, but my religion assures me that I'll see them again.  I know I won't see them in this life, but I'll see them again.  I miss them.  I love them.  But I'm okay.  I remember them every single day.  But I'm okay.  I am okay.