Wednesday, February 29, 2012


I feel slapped in the face!

An old friend had told me how he and his wife didn't want more kids because they were excited to get their lives back after their son grew up and was out of the house.  Their son is around age 11.  Today he posted that they're having a girl, and his wife posted that she wasn't too thrilled with having a girl and all the headache that she'll be.

That coupled with the other announcement in the past week and how much it reminded me of my loss...

The one last week doesn't make me angry, in fact, it makes me very happy... just sad for myself.
The one today makes me angry.  Why do people who don't want babies get pregnant while those of us who do lose theirs?  Angry.  Sad.  Hurt.

Alright, it's been 10 minutes and I'm already repentant.  Just like most people, I'm sure they'll still love their little girl, even if she wasn't initially desired.  Of course it'll be hard, but surely there will be love.  Just sad for me, still.  Always.  

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

More Blessings

I think it seems like I start all my posts with "So,..."

So, let me just tell a quick story. 

My friend, Penny, and I were able to get some solid oak bunk beds for $40 back in August.  There was a college selling off their dorm furniture.  We found out that they'd be selling one last dorm's furniture in the spring.  We were hoping to get some dressers to match our bunk beds when they sell more stuff.  Anyway, so I texted her one day to ask if she'd talked to the college about the dressers yet.  The day before, she'd received a call from a friend saying she had several dressers in her house that she had planned to paint and make nice but she hadn't gotten around to it and wanted them out of her house.  I mentioned to Penny that we only had ONE dresser in our whole house, so of course she was thrilled to be able to offer me some dressers!  I also mentioned that I hoped we could get more mattresses.  (Another college was selling off their new, never used mattress surplus so I got 2 extra longs for $25 each and a regular twin for $50... but I needed one more for Mitchell's bed now that he needed something other than his toddler bed.)  Penny had an extra from the same sale I got mine from, which means it'd match Keith's mattress.  Anyway, so then one night in our family prayers, I prayed for help getting our budget back on track (yeah, yeah... so I've been over spending in our grocery envelope... see for more envelope information, it's the site Ben made for us and we now share with everyone!).  So then Penny calls me, tells me all of this, and the puzzle comes together that Heavenly Father has been placing things where they needed to be so that I could get a total of 3 dressers, a hutch, and a twin mattress... all for $50!!

You may wonder, why on earth would God care to give me all those things for such a price?  I'll tell you why.  Because He KNOWS ME.  He LOVES ME.  He wants ME to be HAPPY.  Because WE have a good RELATIONSHIP where I talk to Him and He answers back.  Call me crazy, but I tell my Heavenly Father about my day, my frustrations, my joys, my concerns, my desires.  I ask Him for blessings (sometimes the answer is "no" such as when I plead for a quiet, uninterrupted night of sleep, and then we've got one kid who doesn't want to go to bed and another that wakes up every couple hours), and I ask to be lead to others that I can serve and help.  If it's at all possible, I try to never say "no" to someone that I am able to help.  Remember when your mom told you "what goes around, comes around?"  Well, that applies to the positive, too.  Not just the negative.  Help someone and someone else will help you.  It's the pay-it-forward principle.  And I think I have a lot to pay forward after all my recent blessings.  So, let me know if I can help you!  ;)

Also, be sure to pray to find out that Heavenly Father knows YOU individually, too.  It's so amazing to know that we have a TWO-WAY relationship.  It's not all me talking (despite what you may believe, knowing that I never shut up).  I get responses, and if you pay attention, you will too!  It may come through the words of someone else.  It may come through the actions of someone else.  It may be a still, small voice that whispers to you so very quietly.  Answers can come in so many different ways.  But they come.  Yes, No, or Maybe... they come.  My favorite... when I feel the "I Love You" from my Heavenly Father.

Tuesday News Day

So, I kinda got busy and forgot last week.  SORRY!

Keith has been home all last week and will be most of this week.  A kid at school got the chickenpox, and since Keith was never vaccinated for it, the school has asked that he stay home until the contagious period has passed.  So, I get extra Keith time, but that also means I'm busier and forget about things like blogging.

Also, I was a guest blogger yesterday!!  RobbyGurl's Creations featured my tutorial on a frame I have hanging in Kiersten's room for her flower clips.  Check it out!!

On Friday, someone called me.  I don't know if I'm allowed to say whom, because I don't know if they're sharing their news with everyone or just those they're closest to.  No facebook announcements yet, so I'll leave the name out.  Anyway, in case you haven't guessed, they're pregnant.  And I am amazingly happy for them!!  However, as I hung up the phone, I cried.  I really am so very happy for them.  I just also happen to be very sad for me.  We both have little girls right now, and they're 2 months apart.  If we were still BOTH pregnant, our babies would be 2 months apart again.  We'd both have babies 18 months younger than our little girls.  As I was told of their happy 11 week ultrasound, all I could think of is that I had an ultrasound just a few days before 10 weeks and it was such a happy ultrasound... but the next one wasn't so happy.  Oh, I pray they don't suffer the same fate.  I now better understand that hitting your second trimester does NOT ensure that you won't suffer a miscarriage, that all will be well after that.

I had thought that I was doing remarkably well, but this announcement still hurts me.  I cried a LOT over it.  No, not over the announcement and their joy... but rather at my own loss.  When I say "I cried," I don't mean I had a couple tears roll down my cheeks.  I mean wet, slobbery, snotty, please-don't-walk-in-on-me crying.  The kind that requires a lot of tissues and leaves a few big wet spots on your pillow or blanket.  I had no idea that all that emotion was still in me.  I really thought I was doing fine.

The point?  I am learning more and more that bad days appear out of nowhere, and that a loss is a loss, no matter how early or late it was.  Loss hurts.  And healing takes a lot more time than I thought.  I miss my Taylor.  I'm also learning that someone's loss hurts more than just their immediate family.  It effects friends and grandparents and so many others, too.  It's not just moms that hurt.  Oh dear Taylor, you are STILL so very loved, even though we never got to meet you.

In other news, anyone want to drive to Missouri with me in late April?  I am hoping to take my mom to the Kansas City Temple's open house and perhaps the dedication in early May.  Wanna ride with me?  3 kids and one adult on a 17 hour drive is NOT sounding happy.  I need help!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Frequently Asked Questions, etc...:

1.  How are you doing?
I'm okay with Taylor's passing.  I'm still working through how Taylor's body entered this world, and its resting place.  I don't know if I'll ever be okay with that part, but as long as I don't allow myself to visualize it, I don't cry.  I talk as though Taylor can hear me sometimes, still wishing to know a gender and promising that I'll be a good mom when I get the opportunity to raise my sweet baby in the Millennium.  Call me crazy, but that's what I do.

2.  Well, at least...
Well, at least NOTHING.  Any time you are trying to comfort someone in grief and mourning over the passing of a child, do NOT say ANYTHING that starts with "Well, at least..." because it doesn't do anything but cause anger.  This includes "Well, at least you can try again." or "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant." or "Well, at least the spirit was out of the body before it was flushed." or "Well, at least you've already got a kid/children." or "Well, at least you were only 13 weeks. " or "Well, at least you didn't have to see the body."  or "Well, at least you didn't have to hold your dead baby's body."  or "Well, at least you already have one of each gender."  Are you understanding?  Do NOT say these things.

3.  When are you going to try again?
I would like to be pregnant again right away.  My body feels empty and I don't like it.  I wanted another baby in my home, and that hasn't changed.  I was just blessed with a few short weeks of a spirit that is now waiting for me elsewhere, allowing me the chance to be a mother again after this life.  I still want another baby in my home.  I don't want a replacement baby, I want ANOTHER baby.  Not sure how Ben feels about this, but that's how I feel.  Some women wait longer, but that's not me.

4.  Would you wait longer to announce a pregnancy next time?
Nope.  Not at all.  I can't imagine having to endure any/all of this without the amazing comfort, prayers, love, and support of those around me.  When it happens again, I'll probably announce right away again.  I don't know how people handle this without so much support and kindness.  Thanks again, to everyone who has prayed or said kind words or given hugs.  Thank you.

5.  Is there anything I can do for you?
  • Prayers are amazingly helpful. 
  • Someone brought our family dinner the night I found out my pregnancy was over, and that was incredible. 
  • Spiritual quotes giving promise and comfort for the future are amazingly helpful. 
  • Some have shared their experiences and even memorabilia (baby books, journal entries, photos, etc) with me, and my heart just goes out to each of those women.  The stories shared have helped me to remember that I'm not alone in this, life goes on around us, and healing does happen even if we never forget.
    6.  Has your body adjusted since the miscarriage?
    Well, that one is weird.  In the last 22 days since my Taylor's body came into and left this world, I've experienced some really odd things.
    1. Sometimes I feel these... phantom kicks.  It feels just like a baby kicking, not so much like gas though I'm sure it is.  At 17 weeks, I should be starting to feel some kicking now.  :(  
    2. Also, a few days after Taylor's delivery, it felt like milk was trying to come in.  I'm still nursing Kiersten just a little bit, but it was unmistakably milk filling my breasts.  Granted, milk tends to come in 3 days after giving birth, but it's not so great of a feeling when you're not able to feed a healthy newborn with it.  I'm glad I am still nursing Kiersten because that sure helped during this stage.  
    3. Next, nearly every mole on my body became inflamed and itchy.  I even went to a doctor because it was so odd.  They did a punch biopsy on one of the moles on my arm, just to check to be sure it's not something more serious, you know, like skin cancer.  This started 8 days after Taylor's delivery.  The inflammation has gone down on MOST of them, but the ones that are still inflamed still also itch.  I did get two nice blue stitches out of it, though!  My first stitches!  -  Oh, and the doctor's office called back to say that the biopsied mole only showed inflammation, nothing else.
    4. Bleeding slowed after a couple weeks, but continued to just trickle until 21 days.  22 days and today is my first day "clean" again.  The bleeding hurt in that, postpartum bleeding is usually accompanied by a baby in your arms.  It's also a reminder that my body was not yet ready to hold another baby.  I really want another.  Now.  I need that love to grow inside of me again.
    5. Headaches, lots and lots of headaches that Tylenol just doesn't touch.
    7.  Are there any links to stories that have been helpful to you?

    8.  Were you angry with God?
    Nope.  Not at all.  My Heavenly Father blessed me with a wonderful little righteous spirit that I get to raise in a world without temptation during the Millennium, a spirit that I got to carry even if for a short time as she grew a body.  He provided me with support in so many ways.  He gave me connections to my baby that mean the world to me.  How can I be angry at the love He has shown me through all of this?  I have been blessed, despite the pain and sadness of losing a baby.

    If anyone has other questions, please feel free to ask.  I want to help others, and that comes more easily when you know what questions to address.  Also, please post responses, feelings, and your own experiences on here for others to take comfort in... if you're comfortable sharing.

    Again, thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and comforting to me.  You are all so incredible.  And hugs to all those mamas who have lost.  I know you all need it.  It doesn't seem to matter WHEN you lose a baby, but THAT you've lost a baby ever or at all is painful.  It's not something anyone "deserves."  There are some great, supportive women out there.  Please, if you've lost, take time to find someone to help you through it.  And also find someone else to help.  Helping others is so healing on its own.

        Calvin's Hats

        So, as I've said, I'm "okay" with having miscarried.  I look forward to my opportunity to be a mother after the resurrection.  I hate not having my baby kicking away in my belly right now (I would be 17w2d today), but I know that the promises of the future are so much brighter than I could imagine with Taylor on earth right now (or in a few more months).  The only part I still have trouble with is not having seen that tiny little body.  I still believe Taylor was a girl, so just get used to me referring to Taylor as she/her. 

        Having not seen her, I've looked things up trying to imagine how tiny she was.  There are so many amazing organizations out there that help mothers who have lost.  One of those companies is Calvin's Hats.  They make hats for babies born before 28 weeks.  I requested one, just to help me with my own healing at not seeing my baby.  They sent the most tiny little hat. 

        I put it in a scrapbook I have going for Taylor's remembrance.  See how tiny it is compared to a standard, hospital-issue pacifier, or compared to the standard size business card?  It's so very tiny. 

        The card reads:
        Itsy Bitsy Hats
        Made For
        Teeny Tiny
        With a Whole
        Bunch of Love

        Also, they posted my very short version of my experience with her on their Updates & Angel Stories page:

        We miscarried our second pregnancy back in February 2007 at a mere 7 weeks. We had such a hard time getting pregnant again but Mitchell finally joined us in February 2009, and then Kiersten in January 2011. Both took help to achieve pregnancy (clomid for him, herbs for her). So when we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant, it felt almost miraculous. We had a very early ultrasound done at 9w4d and I saw that tiny heart beating so strongly. When I went in for my next scheduled appointment at 13w4d and we could not find a heartbeat, my own heart sank and filled with hurt. Ultrasounds show that my baby's growth stopped at 13w1d though I did not pass the tiny body until 14w1d, on January 23, 2012. We did not have the chance to see my Taylor's body, but I strongly believe it was a girl. My little miracle baby is gone, but my heart still yearns for her.

        At any rate, I wanted to share with you both how tiny she was, and also share this company with you that helps spread comfort and love.  How incredible for people to take the time to help others heal their hearts like this.

        Tuesday News Day - Valentine's Day

        First off, yes I'll be posting Kiersten's and Keith's birthday photos soon... after Mitchell's birthday on Saturday.

        Next, I'm doing fine today.  It is a good day.

        So, we did Valentine's Day last night.  I'd been stashing some things away for a couple weeks (only one part of it was found, thank goodness) and I grabbed the last of it at a very insanely busy Wal-Mart yesterday.  I got it all put together, and I think the kids and Ben ALL liked it!
        Yes, I totally hid my junk with a few "stickers" there!

        I've got a CRUSH on you, Valentine!

        Pepsi didn't have anything cute, so I made something cute...
        A floral red heart and a label saying
        You're SODA-licious, Valentine!

        Each of the kids had a plate with this message and glow sticks to go with the phrase.
        They also had an apple saying "You are the apple of my eye, Valentine!"
        And the boys got Reece's hearts and a conversation heart cup.
        Kiersten's apple was in the diluted-juice form, and she had to share my candy hearts.

        I didn't take pictures, but we had lasagna, french bread, and salad for dinner.  Plus Ben & I had some delicious shrimp and cocktail sauce for snacking on during our movie.  It was just a "table-scape" but it was so fun and I hope everyone really enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed doing it for them!

        Also, someone told me about The Five Love Languages and how his wife feels she needs a different one each day, and how he said he wanted to do a chart so she could indicate what she needed that day and he could give her the kind of love she was in need of each day.  What a fantastic idea!  So I made a chart.  I explained it to Ben, letting him know that I'd mark it before he came home each day, and he can notice it as soon as he comes in the door so he knows how I need to feel loved that day.  He chuckled.  I told him I was serious.  He noticed that I had marked "Words of Affirmation" and then started telling me that I had really gone all out for Valentine's and how nice it was, how he appreciated the effort I made, etc.  I let him pick out a movie (he chose Calamity Jane, all on his own... he's as much of a sucker for a fun chick flick as I am!) and we cuddled on the couch with Kiersten while the boys played [loudly] in their room.  It was such a perfect day!

        PLEASE feel free to print this image and use it in your home!
        The middle column comes directly from the website about the book.
        I found my own icons, find your own if you don't like mine!

        Friday, February 10, 2012

        Constant Trials

        Do you know what the hardest thing in the world seems to be, in my book?  Constant trials.  Trial after trial, testing my faith.  I'm given trials where I could choose to be angry, or I could choose to see that my Heavenly Father is there and helping me along, giving me the support and love that I need to get to where is best for me.  I can't tell you in words how amazingly hard it can be sometimes to always have that trust in God that these trials are for my own good, to bring me to where I can better live up to the stature of my soul.  I know I'll never reach that full stature in this life, but I know that He is trying to get me there.  I feel like that old song says... He is the potter and I am the clay.  My life spins around me, circling and spinning.  Sometimes I feel like something goes awry and so I'm smashed back down to try again.  Or maybe I'm getting to the part where I'm a formed vase and intricate designs are being carved into me.  I long for the day when I am put into the kiln and glazed and finished as a beautiful sculpture, no longer having trials to endure.  For now, I just have to trust that I have been prepared for what is to come.  I have to trust that others have been prepared to help me through this stage of my life.  I have to know that I have been brought to the place where those who can best help me are nearby.  Everything has been carefully put into place so that *I* can become what I must through the endurance and faith through the trials that are to come.  Trials are called trials for a very good reason... 1) they are not easy, not at all.  2) you have choices to make.  Constant prayer will guide you through it.  Listening to the Spirit, allowing yourself to receive answers through those placed in your life, or through internal promptings, just accepting answers where they come (and then praying to know if that is actually your answer or not, and then listening again)... it's the only way through.  As was said in last night's Relief Society Activity/Enrichment Night - The more you align yourself and your life with what God wants of you, the less the thoughts, words, and negativity of others will matter to you.  If I can just stay focused on what God wants of me, helping others, serving in every capacity that I can, then I will endure to the end.  I will survive my trials.  I will be rewarded with great love and peace.  If I follow where my God leads me, I will find the blessings He wants me to receive.  I must stay the course.  I must stay focused.  Oh, please help me to stay focused.  Please help me to be strong.  Please help me to endure without fault and without shame.  Please, allow me to help others in any way I can so that I don't have time to focus on my own life's trials.  I don't want to wallow in self-pity.  I want to serve.  Please, let me serve.  Distract me from what hurts.  I can do it.  I can.  I will.

        Tuesday, February 7, 2012

        I Love The Temple

        Okay, so you know how I was going to the Temple with the other loss mama from that facebook group, Kim?  Can I just say that the Temple is an amazing place to meet someone?  What an amazing end to the day!  I had an amazing experience myself, and with meeting Kimberly.  She gave me so many insights (and advanced thoughts, I was at the start of some thoughts, but she's been doing this mother-to-passed-babies thing much longer and has had more time to consider the thoughts I'm just starting out with) and comforts to ponder!  I'd tell you more, but I think this experience was more on the sacred side rather than excitingly sharable side so it's going in my written journal instead of my typed and shared journal.  Also, I think I may have just made a life-long friend. 

        I love good days!  I hope I can stay on this high for a while! 
        I love the Temple and how close you can feel to someone, living or passed.
        I love the comforts that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints gives.  The eternal truths the LDS Church teaches gives someone so much comfort, love, and promise. 
        I have no idea how people handle grief without these eternal truths.
        I am grateful for good friends.

        Tuesday News Day

        Today I should be 16 weeks 2 days pregnant with my little Taylor.  Instead, 2 weeks ago yesterday, I accidentally flushed my baby into the sewer system.  I'm still not doing well with that.  I'm okay with his/her passing, but just can't seem to come to terms with the treatment of that tiny body.  I don't know if I'll ever get over that.  I wake up with horrid headaches that Tylenol barely touches every single day.  Not so much from crying because I only seem to cry when I allow myself to visualize what happened with Taylor's body, but instead it's like some kind of hormone headache.  Hopefully things will get back to normal inside me soon.  In the meantime, ouch!

        I found a great group of women on facebook that have helped a lot.  It's a group of mothers who have lost their babies.  One in particular has been a tremendous help.  She actually lives about an hour from me and blogs about her day-to-day experiences as she manages her grief at losing her twin boys, one at 21 weeks and one at (I think) 26 weeks.  She delivered them both the same day.  It was hard enough to lose my 13 week Taylor who had a fully formed body.  I can't even imagine the pain she must be enduring to be twice as far along and lose two babies, her first babies, meaning she didn't even have the smiles of other children at home to force her to go on and work through the pain quickly.  Every bit of her healing has been because her own doing, and that of our Heavenly Father.  I just want to hug her so badly!  As she works through her pain and therapeutically writes it out on a blog the way I do, it brings me so much help and relief and insight.  She even said how doing genealogy work is like her and her sons both working toward the same goal, considering the righteous spirits of our passed children are doing missionary work where they are.  We are all working together towards one goal, and that brings so much amazing comfort!

        Also in our group, we are starting to make quilts to engulf with love other mothers going through similar grief as they lose or have lost a child.  They're actually all going to send their 2 identical quilt blocks (as many sets of 2 as they'd like) to me to sew into a quilt top... and then eventually quilt together!  I'm working on getting a quilting machine from my great-aunt.  Gotta save up quite a bit first.  I hope so much that I can get it by summer so I can work on this project.  It's such a healing project to do something for someone else.  I still feel like Taylor's purpose was to enlighten me as to the needs of these other women so that I could do something to help.  I also still feel like Taylor won't be my last loss.  I hope I can have a "rainbow baby" next, before any more losses. 

        Thursday is Keith's birthday.  We are letting each of the boys invite two friends as we go to Chuck E. Cheese this year.  Mitchell's birthday is just 9 days later, so we're going to do an out-of-the-house celebration for both boys on the same day.  Then, on Mitchell's birthday, we're hosting a cousin's dinner - so we can get together with all of the cousins on the Harvey side that we're close to.  They love having their cousins over!!  So, time to plaster on a happy face, despite anything I may be feeling (mostly numbly sad) and continue on...