Friday, August 16, 2013

Hollywood Deaths

Have you read these articles yet?   I've seen them on facebook a bit.  Some of the comments have been...  well, they inspired this post.  Some people proclaim that she couldn't handle being a celebrity.  Others blame drugs in Hollywood.  Others just pass it off as another someone who died because of their own mistakes.  But here's the deal - she lost a baby, and she never recovered from it.

That's right.  It's not highly publicized.  It's not in every article you read.  It's not on Wikipedia (yet).  I can't seem to find out how far along she was because she apparently didn't talk about it much.  I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she didn't feel like she could talk about it.  Take a look at THIS article, for example.  They say that she had lost a baby and mockingly say "Aw, poor Lisa." as though it was no big deal and shouldn't have led to her downfall. 

It really is sad that people who endure miscarriages and stillbirths don't feel like they have the resources available to them to get through.  This is why I'm so open about my miscarriage and stillbirth.  This is why I work so hard to make clothing for those tiny babies to wear and pass on information about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and the amazing photography they do for these parents and their stillborn children.  Women are almost made to feel like they need to "get over it" and "move on" quickly, get "back to normal" after losing a child.  It's not that easy!  Being in the public eye, I'm sure the pressure to get "back to normal" is even more real.  Everyone moves on before you're ready for them to.  Everyone else forgets your child leaving only you to remember that your child ever existed.  If I didn't have my faith to rely on, I'm sure I could have done some serious damage.  As it was, I didn't eat for about two weeks where I dropped about a pound a day.  After that, I continued to lose...  about 35 lbs in 5 months total.  There were so many days that I wanted to drink or buy cigarettes (I haven't had a single drink or smoke in 10 years now).  I wanted to hide away and never come out.  I wanted to sit in the tub and slit my wrists.  I didn't, but following miscarriage/stillbirth, some mothers DO.  Some sink into such a deep depression that they need to be watched for YEARS.  I read an article once (can't seem to find it anywhere) that following the loss of a pregnancy/child, mothers die at an increased rate for 2 years - and not all suicides.  Such as, they get into car wrecks and die at an increased rate.  My guess is that they get injured and feel like they'd rather pass on and go see the children they carried but never met than stick around fighting for their lives.  And yes, you read that right... this increase in maternal death is for TWO YEARS!  (It's only been a year since Seth was stillborn.)

I can't even imagine this woman, struggling to "deal with" the loss of her child for years with no one she felt like she could really talk to about it.  Instead, drinking herself into a stupor, becoming violent with those around her, wanting to be better (she checked herself into rehab) but never feeling supported enough to recover.  All the while, people unaware of her struggles were belittling her in an industry where the opinions of others seems to matter a great deal.

Anyway, so my point is - please, talk about your losses, help others as they endure their losses, don't ever expect anyone to just "get over it."  I read on facebook often that people still remember their sibling, their parent, their grandparent who died and how much they miss them.  Don't you think it's just as valid to miss your CHILD for years after they die?

I feel pretty lucky.  I've had pretty good support.  There have been a few comments that made me want to punch someone in the face, but overall, I've had an incredible support system.  Not everyone is so lucky.  Please, reach out to people.  Try to remember important dates.  Say their children's names.  Don't be afraid to say something because it might make them sad, they're already sad and thinking of their lost child (I assure you) and someone remembering their child might make them cry, but more likely out of joy that someone actually remembers their lost child.

Guess I've rambled enough.  Just remember to support each other, and to never stop supporting each other.  Grief isn't something you "get over" but live with for the rest of your life, in varying degrees each day.  LOVE AND SUPPORT!