Capture Your Grief: Days 9-15 in 2013

9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?


  
Music just hasn't played a role in my grief.  Odd since music used to sing my life, but it hasn't with this.

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not.



I think this is summed up well in the image I've shared several times of Taylor and the quote on the graphic...:

I believe whole heartedly that I will get to raise my children in the Millennium, doing what brings me both the most frustration as well as the most joy - being a mother.  This is an incredible opportunity to me and I look forward to it more than perhaps anything else. 


11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?


Birthdays, due dates, Christmas...
Taylor was due on her aunt's birthday but was born on her grandmother's birthday.
Seth was due just days after Christmas but was born on his uncle's birthday.

When we go to take family pictures and they aren't there, when we have to substitute our Molly Bears in place of our angel children, I remember them and it's a big trigger for me.

With another annual family picture coming up soon, I'm planning to crochet outfits for our bears again so our angels can be properly represented in our family picture.  This is a trigger for me.



12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.


If I think of anything in particular, I'll come back and edit this.  For now, all that is on my mind is that same quote by Joseph Smith that I posted above on day 10.  

13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.



I read two books about grief.  However, I should probably re-read them as it was while I was still fairly deep in my own grief and I really don't remember much.  Again, I may update this later.

14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.

This is my family now - my 3 living children, clinging to their angel siblings represented by bears, huddled around a gravestone to celebrate a birthday that didn't come with chubby cheeks and discussion about walking and talking and all the milestones met over the past year.  We'll be adding another baby to our family, hopefully next month, and hopefully without the need to get another bear.  My husband and I love all 6 of our children and are so very excited to see the beautiful, happy face of our newest addition soon.  I haven't had to consider talking to this new baby about her angel siblings because they're always remembered in our home.



15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

Today, I want to remember the angels that I've come to hold close to my heart, as well as my own.  And so I speak their names (in no particular order):

Grant Abernathy
Miracle Abernathy
Lily Robbins
ElizabethVawdrey
Cordelia Casper
Luke Wood
Ayla Schneider
Autumn Phillips
Melena Harvey
Addison Johnson
Bryce Carter
Isaac Palmer
Porter Palmer
Jerom Shaver
Jocelyn Files
Liam Allred
Malachi Allred
Allison Mattes
Breckin Law
Brighton Law
Avery Friend
Caden Tozier
Clark Deneca
Little Fella Allen
Hope Lewis
Jude Hastings
Willow Hastings
Oliva Kunz
Skylar Fitzgerald
Harlee Fitzgerald
Matthew Fitzgerald
Vincent Valenzuela

And also Taylor Harvey & Seth Harvey.  So many angels.  So many grieving hearts yearning to hold their babies.  Many hugs and much love to the families of each of these babies who never came home from the hospital, who were born too soon, who were gone before they were even born.  So much love to each of you. There are so many more to add to this list, unnamed babies, babies not talked about, (and a few that I missed just because the list is so long) and this is just within my circle of extended friends.  Forgive me if I missed your angel.  PLEASE, write out your angel's name in the comments here.  I want to remember your angels.  All of them. 

Love to you all....

Capture Your Grief: Day 6 of 2013

Day 6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

Nope.  No rituals.  No daily affirmations.  No prayers that are specific to my losses.  I only light candles on rare occasions like birthdays and Oct. 15th.  No mantras.

On birthdays, we do cupcakes and flowers.  Now that the gravestone is set, we visit the grave for birthdays, too.  Since Taylor didn't get her own, her name is on Seth's gravestone, too.

The above 3 were Taylor's first birthday.  Chocolate cupcakes because every girl needs chocolate, and roses because she's a beautiful princess!

The below 3 were Seth's first birthday.  They actually had dragonfly cupcakes!!  And he got flowers, too because I had been eying those flowers for him for months because they reminded me of him.

Capture Your Grief: Day 5 of 2013

Day 5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

Two big memories of Taylor - first, sitting in a parking lot getting a text from my very dear friend, Ashley, who gave me the quote on this red image above.  This quote helped me SO much through both of my losses.  She said she felt like it was what she was supposed to say, though she had no idea what to say herself.  She was inspired to share this with me, because my Heavenly Father loves me and knew it was exactly what I needed.

Next was her birth and how absolutely horrified I was when I realized that my baby's body was flushed down a toilet.  I'm still ready to cry my eyes out just thinking of it - both because of how it makes me feel now as well as because of remembering my feelings then.  The pain of not seeing her is nearly more than I can handle.  I try hard to push those feelings aside and focus on that quote above. 

With Seth, obviously a huge memory was finding out he was a boy instead of a girl like the ultrasound tech said!  I studied him for a long time.  His muscular legs.  His open eyes.  His adorable nose.  His shoulders.  His knees.  His bone structure.  His facial expression.  Isn't he just beautiful?  He died at 16 weeks gestation.  That's still a legal age for abortion.  Can you even imagine that some people kill a baby that is this perfectly formed?  Look at him.  No, really look at him.  That little body may only be 6" long, but how incredible! 

Of course it makes sense that this would be such a tremendous memory for me, considering what I just told you about Taylor.  I didn't get to see her body, so his meant the world to me. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 2 of 2013

Day 2. Identity:
What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

TAYLOR

We chose this name because she died at 13w1d and was born at 14w1d - we never got to see her tiny body and it was too soon for ultrasound to show a gender.  We HIGHLY believe Taylor was a girl, but just in case, we didn't want to offend our little one, so we chose an androgynous name.  I went through the book "The Baby Name Wizard" and found a list of androgynous names.  I highlighted the ones that I liked best (Aubrey, Billie, Drew, Jody, Joey, Micah, Quinn, Reese, Robin, Taylor) and let Ben choose from that list.  He chose Taylor, which I was pleased with.  To read about her birth details, go HERE. 

Since then, I've found that her purpose was to introduce me to the community of loss mothers.  Being in the loss community already helped me with what was coming next.

SETH MICAH

As described HERE, we found out that we lost this sweet baby when I went in for my gender-reveal ultrasound at 19 weeks.  They were so positive that we were having a girl that the tech colored the gender-shot screen pink.  We chose the name Isabelle with no middle name, just as our little Taylor girl has no middle name.  Then I delivered my baby and found out that he was ALL BOY!  I pulled out my phone to look up my name list I had sent to my sister and read off all the boy names.  Ben said Seth was the only one that really stood out to him.  From there, we decided it sounded short and he needed a middle name, so I chose Micah to go with it (another name from our list). 

Seth means "Annointed."  Micah means "Who Is Like God?" (never understood why this is followed by a question mark).  However, both names are scriptural, biblical.  Seth was the perfect son of Adam (See D&C 107:43 or look up Seth in the Bible Dictionary) and Micah was a prophet (see HERE for more about Micah).  In our religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe that children are without sin, they are not accountable for their actions until they reach the age of accountability (age 8, unless other mental handicaps are present).  This means that our tiny son died while still perfect in the sight of our Heavenly Father.  Although he lived in my womb, he was never subjected to the sins of this world, he never sinned, he was in fact quite perfect.  So the name Seth has ended up being quite perfect for our little boy. 

For his birth details, read HERE. 
As for his features - he was a mere 6" long and 3oz.  He was slender yet very muscular as he wasn't old enough to have gained any real baby fat yet.  His eyes were open (which they say doesn't happen for another few weeks after he had died).  He had some swelling on the back of his head from being gone for so long before his birth (remember, he died at 16weeks and was born at 19w4d) but his hat covered it so we could enjoy everything else without being afraid.  He had a cute little nose and chin.  To me, he was absolutely beautiful.  

Now, like I was saying, Taylor's loss had me enter the community of loss mothers.  That enabled me to know about NILMDTS and get the pictures of Seth that I treasure more than I can describe.  While we anticipated Isabelle's arrival, I had picked out some outfits hoping one would fit our little girl, and it gave me comfort to know she'd be dressed like any other baby.  Then, we had a boy.  I was sad that the clothes were no longer appropriate for our baby.  All the pictures of him are of a little naked baby, sometimes wrapped in a blanket.  Since then, I've learned to crochet to make angel clothing and sewn more angel clothing and all of it has been donated out to photographers and hospitals, hoping others will be able to dress their babies.  Of course I have a special place in my heart for the tiniest outfits, the ones that would have fit my little Seth.  Those are my favorites to make because they mean so much more to me.  

I lost my babies because there is a need in this world, a need to comfort grieving parents, to extend a hand of love to show grieving parents that they're not alone.  Making angel clothing is how I go about accomplishing the task I have been called to do.  I will likely always do it.  I hated that my baby was naked and cold.  We were so sure we were having a girl, though.  Who would have thought to bring boy clothes "just in case?"  I don't blame anyone.  It just makes me sad.  After everyone had left, before I gave Seth to the nurses so the funeral home could take him away, I had the nurses bring me a full-term baby hat to wrap him in, to keep his toes warm, to act like a sleeping bag because I hated him being so cold.  Yes, I know he couldn't feel the cold, but it made me feel better to have him warmly wrapped.  Hopefully, my efforts will help so that other parents don't have to use full-term items to wrap their tiny ones in.

So that's how I perceive their identities.  They introduced me to the loss community and to the needs of those who have lost.  The work I do is in remembrance of my sweet angels, and hopefully it brings comfort, even the tiniest bit, to other grieving parents.

August

August was a pretty big month.  It started off with Seth's birthday which included a visit out to his grave.  We took balloons and flowers, and after dinner out we had cupcakes at home.  We took our two Molly Bears with us and the boys doted on them quite a bit.  Mitchell cradled and cuddled and Keith hugged and kissed.  They're both so very sweet with their angel siblings!

Next, I was able to send off a package to Granting Hope Ministries to help with some baskets and donations they were taking to hospitals to honor the 5th birthday of their angel son, Grant.  There were 25 outfits, most crocheted but some sewn, and diaper pairs included.  My dear friend, Stacy, included a couple outfits made specifically in remembrance of Seth & Taylor, as well as some sewn outfits that are just gorgeous.

Next up was sewing with the Mia Maids in my ward.  They helped sew LOTS of angel sized blankets (because a newborn sized blanket is just way too big for these babies)!  The girls did so wonderfully!  They completed 13 blankets, had 5 with top-stitching only to go, and cut another 6, plus cut several diapers, too!  All in all, for the month, we completed 24 blankets!

As if all this wasn't enough, there's still more.  Stacy and I created a new sewn angel gown!  There are two patterns frequently used.  One (the Tea Towel Gown under the Patterns tab) is absolutely beautiful with a back-closure (easiest way to dress an angel) but the sleeves intimidate me with my lack of sewing skills mixed with my perfectionist attitude.  I've made a few "shirts" that I never finished because I always stop at the sleeves.  Then, there's a second pattern (the Share Kimono Gown pattern) that is much easier in the way of sleeves, but it has a front-closure (harder for dressing angels) and a neckline that I am not so good at so I always send out the gowns to a neighbor-friend who serges the neckline for me.  I really wanted a back-closure gown that had short sleeves and where I didn't have to add on the sleeves to the rest of the body.  So, we created one!  The TAYLOR GOWN (after my little Taylor) was born!  I don't have to send out my gowns anymore!  I can now sew them myself!  Each has their place, we just added another option.  These pictures are ones Stacy did with scrap fabric as we tested the design...

Left:  Tea Towel gown (back closure, long sleeves)
Center:  Taylor Gown (back closure, short sleeves)
Right:  Share Gown (front closure, short sleeves)

After working long and hard on this, making several tests and changing a few things here and there, testing again, and dreaming at night about how to make the pattern better, I'm so excited to say that the pattern is ready for use!  Remember, my sewing skills are lame, I mean minimal, at best.  This pattern was made so that I could make it without having to have someone help me.  If I can do it, I'm pretty sure you can, too!  It is available to download by clicking THIS link, or you can go to Stacy's blog and see her beautiful workup of the gown HERE, or among our favorite PATTERNS.  This is the second pattern that I've been a part of creating.  The other was the WAVY BLANKET crochet pattern that I worked up a few months ago.  I'm really enjoying all this!  Anyway, more sizes to come soon, but this is a size bigger than we can easily crochet, so I hope you'll give it a try!

And still working....

For almost every blanket, there was a matching pair of diapers.  And then extra diapers, too.  My goal was to make sure each blanket/diaper set had a gown to coordinate with it.  I crocheted, and crocheted, and crocheted, and don't you know I'm still crocheting.

Pictured are 35 hats donated by Annette - my mother-in-law posted pictures of the diapers they were sewing and Annette asked what she could do to help.  Is that not truly amazing?!  To the left of the hats and scattered throughout the picture are lots and lots of diapers that my husband's parents and uncle helped sew, around 35 sets total, so 70+ diapers (lots of the fabric donated by Ashley who also cut patterns for many of them).  18 of the 24 blankets are also pictured, along with 2 no-sew hats, 5 Share pattern gowns, 15 crochet outfits - 1 small, 12 medium, and 2 large... plus one of my Taylor Gowns!  I'm fixing the collar on 2 more, but this works for now.

Total this month:

24 blankets (thanks EM 6th Ward Mia Maids)
70+ diapers (thanks Ashley, Shari, Milt, and Morey)
8 sewn gowns (thanks Brittany)
25 crocheted gowns
35 knitted hats (thanks Annette)
6 no-sew hats

Also...  I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and feel baby "Vash" kicking often!  This is my first experience with a baby who gets the hiccups, too!  Hubby felt her hiccups one day, the first he'd really felt this baby at all, and his face just lit up like you wouldn't believe!  He's so sweet and excited about this little girl!  There's still 57 names on our list (we start with every name possible and take names off - rather than seeing a name we like and adding it to a list) so don't expect her to be called anything but "Vash" for a while yet!  In the mean time, I'm crocheting a blanket for her, trying to get out all the newborn/0-3 clothes for her, cleaning up the car seat, arranging our bedroom for both the birth and a pack-n-play, and feel the testing kicking in big time!  She's around 3 lbs already and just under 16" long, according to the estimations various baby sites post.  She's a joy already and I'm getting very excited to meet her... though not TOO soon!

Taylor & Seth continued....

Seth's due date is in 8 days.  Taylor's first angel-birthday is 4 weeks after that.  We're still working on getting their gravestone set.

There are a lot of confusing emotions that go around all of this with Taylor and Seth.  If Taylor hadn't died, I wouldn't know Seth.  I would have a 5 month old little girl instead.  If Seth hadn't died, I wouldn't know that there was a need for angel baby clothing, Taylor would be alone, but I would be very large and complaining joyfully about swollen ankles while washing all of the baby boy clothes leftover from Keith and Mitchell that hasn't been worn in nearly 4 years.

I wish I had them both, but I'm glad they're together.  I wish I had them both, but I think I've become a less selfish person because of their brief lives.  I wish I could hold them both, watch them smile, listen to them coo and laugh... but I understand that they are where they are most needed (they've got missionary work to do, after all) and because of them I have a work to do here.

Ben and I have talked, and several have asked about this conversation:  what about more kids?

Well, who knows when it will ever happen.  It doesn't matter if it's this month or 6 months, or a year from now, I will have the same emotions to go through.  After losing two in a row (both second trimester) and now being familiar with so many people's stories where they've lost anywhere from 4 weeks as they find out they're pregnant to their full term baby to a baby a few days or weeks or even months old (SIDS), I will have the same fears of losing my baby.  I am no longer naive believing it won't happen to me.  It has happened.  Twice.  Just as all those parents in Connecticut will now have children in caskets with gravestones as they miss amazing milestones in their lives, I have two of those.   In a few months, the outrage will die down and everyone, such as their friends and neighbors, will go back to their daily lives as if nothing ever happened.  That's when those parents are going to feel another wave of grief.  I know, I know... "it's not the same thing" for me as it is for them.  But I know enough about losing a child that I know what to expect for them.  I may not know what my babies' favorite colors are or what their laugh sounds like, but neither I nor those parents will get to see our angel children graduate high school, get married, have kids, etc.  Both I and those parents will always treasure the items that they touched, like blankets and outfits.

Anyway, being pregnant again will have the same emotions, no matter when it happens.  It'll all be wrapped around:  will I get to keep my child?

However, until then, I am glad I was able to carry my two angels letting them know and feel love every day of their brief lives.  I'm glad they were/are MY children.  I'm so glad to be their mommy, even if from such an incredible distance.  I hope I can continue to honor them and their memories always.  And I hope to be able to bring comfort to others as I go about honoring my angels.

Capture Your Grief - Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

Day 23: Their Name/Their Photo

I very much DO feel comfortable sharing my babies' photos.  I know that not everyone is comfortable seeing them, though.  So, proceed with caution.

First up is my baby girl, Taylor.  Remember, I never got to see her.  We aren't even positive Taylor was a girl, hence the androgynous name, but I strongly feel like Taylor was a girl.  This is my angel girl...

See how she's in a praying position, kneeling with her hands clasped?  What a righteous little spirit she is!  I love her so very much!  I wish so much I had seen her, but this is second best - an ultrasound photo just 3 days after she died that shows her kneeling in prayer.  It tugs at my heart strings a LOT.

As for Seth, I've shared pictures of him, kind of.  They're all wrapped in a blanket or of his feet or hand, but I've never posted his face here.  Today, that changes.  Remember, he died at 16 weeks gestation and wasn't born until 19w4d gestation, nearly a whole 4 weeks later.  So please be kind as you view him, if you choose to do so.  I think he's a handsome boy.  I try to imagine him fattened up like a full term bouncing baby boy.  Here, he's all muscle, no fat and incredibly tiny.  He was 6" long and only 3 ounces (though he would have been closer to 9 ounces if he had been born closer to when he died).  Proceed with caution and kindness...

His eyes were open when he was born, though some pictures were edited to have them closed as I know it freaks people out a bit to see them open.  I'm sharing color pictures, not black & white because I think he's beautiful like this.  See the polka dots?  This is why light blue, and to a lesser degree navy and red, are what I associate with him.  So tiny, so perfect, so handsome.  My Seth!

These are my children that don't live with me.  These are my children "with wings."  These are my children that I only get to cuddle teddy bears to represent.  These are MY CHILDREN.  Don't you just love them, too?  Oh, they are so precious and wonderful!

Grave Stone

Just ordered Seth's gravestone. The cemetery has regulations for stones in the infant section of the cemetery. It's a tiny 8x16 and online, the stone only was $189.  Setting the stone will be around another $200, plus another $150 for the vase to be set into the cement border (required by the cemetery, the cement is, not the vase, but I want the vase), plus the city charges $100 when you set the stone.  Just under $650 for the whole thing compared to some local companies that charge more than that just for the stone itself!  Really, we only saved about $200 going the online route, but anyway...

As you know, Ben and I had two Star Trek names picked out to use for the baby, once we found out the gender, until settling on a real name at birth. As we went in that day for the ultrasound at 19 weeks, we were going to find out if we were going to be calling our baby Worf (boy) or Sito Jaxa (girl) for the next 20 weeks until s/he was born. Instead, we found out our baby had died. The u/s tech was sure it was a girl, but at birth we found out our little one was a boy. We had wanted to put the Star Trek emblem on the stone, but despite several emails and being guided and directed to different people in different departments, I never heard back from the final person. So I ordered the stone today without the emblem. I'm kinda sad about that as it was going to be our little happy moment when visiting his grave. Instead, we got a teddy bear graphic, foot prints hopefully sized to his feet (2cm heel to toe, not HIS footprints, but the right SIZE anyway), and a heart corner-piece with a stemmed rose.

I wish we could have gotten that emblem on the stone.  But we didn't want to wait a long time before getting the stone set.  I want his grave marked properly.  Right now, I have pictures of who is buried around him so I don't lose his unmarked spot.  :( 

What a bittersweet day.  I'm happy to have it ordered, but it really sucks having to buy your son's grave marker.

 

Here is a preview of the stone:

 

 

Questions concerning Miscarriage

One of the amazing women in one of my online loss support groups posted a link talking about her 5 (yes, FIVE) miscarriages.  She's compiling stories of miscarriages for a book and had some questions at the end of her post for anyone who felt up to contributing.  If anything, I want to be able to help others after my experiences, so I'm going to post my answers here.

Suzanne asked -
In your experiences with miscarriage:
What happened? How did you feel? How did you grieve? How did those around you feel and grieve? How did your experiences affect you spiritually? What was your greatest challenge with miscarriage? What, if any, was your greatest gift or life lesson?

Let's go through them.

What happened?
Rather than type it all out again, I'll just direct you to my posts about what happened.
Taylor - Background Post
Taylor - Birth
Seth - Background Post
Seth - Birth
Seth - After Birth

How did you feel?
I had lost one very early between Keith and Mitchell, back in February 2007.  Around 5-6 weeks, I started bleeding and knew something was wrong.  I finally got someone to listen to me and do an ultrasound at 7 weeks.  They said my 5 week fetus was just fine.  Except I was 7 weeks.  They insisted my dates were wrong.  A few days later, I passed a little gray "blob" that was my baby.  I had never really felt like a spirit was connected to this body, so I was sad at the missed chance at parenthood but was overall fine.  It was in the ensuing 15 months to finally conceive again that I had emotional issues.  I felt like I must have been such a horrible mother to Keith that I wasn't going to be trusted with another of Heavenly Father's children.  It hurt.  But finally, with some help, I had Mitchell and then Kiersten.

I was so thrilled to be pregnant again in November 2011!  I hadn't started taking supplements to help me get pregnant yet, so it was a bit of a surprise!  People called me crazy for spacing my kids only 18 months apart.  And I was nervous about a summer delivery (I'd previously had Keith in February, lost in February, had Mitchell in February, and Kiersten in January - love my winter babies!).  Then, to lose her, and not see her tiny body...  I was crushed.  I hurt.  I felt like a terrible mother for not finding her body in the toilet before flushing.  I was drained.  I cried a lot.  But I received comfort quickly and it helped a lot.  I looked to the positive.  I had a child waiting for me, a perfect child, and I would get to be a mother during the Millennium, and that was amazing!  So I focused on the good and continued on, remembering and loving, but not being overwhelmed.

Then came Seth.  He was a first-try baby, just as my early loss between the boys had been.  With that tidbit plus being so soon after Taylor, I was nervous.  VERY nervous.  But even when pregnant with Taylor, I envisioned that this new pregnancy would be a boy.  So, I had hope.  I was fearful as I came up on 5 months since Taylor was born at the same time as I hit my mark in my new pregnancy when Taylor had died.  I had a quick-peak ultrasound in between my monthly prenatals just to make sure all was well.  When it was, and it was still well at my regularly scheduled appointment, I decided I needed to not be the crazy lady who was constantly fearful and asking for quick-peaks to make sure all was still going well.  After that 15 week appointment, I wanted to check in again so many times, but I was trying so hard not to be obnoxiously scared.  So I waited it out until that 19 week ultrasound when I found out that Seth had died at 16 weeks.

I should have gone in sooner.  I should have listened to my instincts.  As I was thinking all week how, if Seth had no heartbeat I would not be going on our weekend trip to see family, I should have realized that those thoughts were not mine, but inspired thoughts.  When I went in for the ultrasound, she checked the cervix and such first, then went toward the baby and I asked if there was a heartbeat.  She was shocked, especially as there wasn't one.  I held it together well, though I asked Ben to take the kids out of the room.  They were still excitedly asking for a gender and I could tell it was upsetting the ultrasound tech.  I was surprised at myself for breaking down against the wall of the clinic.  I was both surprised AND not at all surprised.  I had envisioned my baby boy for MONTHS but I had also felt like he wasn't going to live.  I didn't ever actually THINK "why did you do this to me twice in a row and so quickly" but the feeling was underlying.  I've never been angry with my Heavenly Father.  In fact, I continue to pray asking that He lead me to what is best (as opposed to good or better, I want best) and I don't question if this is part of leading me to that "best" because I know it is.  But my arms sometimes literally ache for my babies.  I'm comforted that Taylor and Seth are together, or I at least assume they are.  I'm just very sad that I don't have them both with me.

I still hurt that I never got to see Taylor.  And that neither baby is in my home or my belly.  But, I'm mostly okay.  Life continues on for the rest of us, I'm just sad that I can't get to know my children right now.  I know it's selfish because they are in a much better place than this crazy world, but that doesn't make me miss them less.  I'm not a horrible mother, despite the days that I feel I might be.  All of my children know I love them.  I just have this lingering aching pain/hurt.  It's something that I don't anticipate will ever go away.  And I don't want it to because the lack of the lingering pain would mean I'm not remembering my children.  Anytime love is taken away, pain lingers.  A love that's as pure as a mother's love for her children lingers longer than I think any love/pain could.  I don't think it matters how old your child is, you still miss your children every single day.  You miss what they could have been, you miss what they were, you just miss them.  Age and accomplishments have nothing to do with it.

How did you grieve?
Mostly, I grieve through pictures.  I take the few images I have (whether Taylor's ultrasounds or Seth's NILMDTS pictures) and edit them into collages or add words of remembrance.  I speak a LOT about my experiences because other people speaking to me has helped me a lot.  I choose to take these sad experiences and find something worthwhile to make out of their lives.  Their lives cannot be meaningless.  I've started making angel clothing for other stillborn and miscarried babies.  I even have a few others working on angel clothing, too.  Someone mentioned making mini-scrapbooks and donating them to hospitals.  I absolutely love the idea.  The hospital I delivered at had nearly nothing for angel babies.  No memory boxes.  They had a couple blankets and bracelets.  No hats.  No clothing.  So I plan on taking items to hospitals.  If I can get full memory boxes made, that would be amazing!  I just keep talking, keep crying, keep looking at pictures, and keep trying to do whatever I can for others in such a sad point in their lives.  Doing things in their memory and honor makes their short lives have meaning and purpose - and expanding it to more than just meaning and memories for ME makes me feel even better.  I should say that, just because I can type out positive stuff today doesn't mean that every day is positive.  Some days, that lingering pain just doesn't ease up and I cry at the tiniest little things.  Some days are still very hard, but it's only been 3 weeks since his birth.

How did those around you feel and grieve?
I know that others have been effected.  My mom was saddened, as was my sister.  For some, it stirs up painful memories of their own loss.  For others who have lost, they take the opportunity to help me to return the favor of being helped by someone else during their first days and weeks.  Some are inspired to help me as I try to make clothes and such.  Some prefer to ignore the whole thing.  I had an amazing outpouring of love and help like I had never experienced after Seth was born.    Other than that, I'm not really sure.

How did your experiences affect you spiritually? 
I think many who know me need to read this part.  I feel like my losses continue to bring me closer and closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  My prayers change.  I pray more and more to know how to help others.  I pray for chances to serve others.  I pray that He'll tell my children that I love them and miss them.  I pray more fervently than ever that He will lead me to what is best.  I'm more likely to cry when praying than ever before.  In fact, nearly every prayer includes tears now (or, at least in the last 3 1/2 weeks since we found out Seth had died).  My faith has not diminished at all.  It continues to grow and strengthen.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.  I know it.  With no doubt.  And I recognize in prayer that I am just sad for my own loss, but that I am grateful for the chance to know them and raise them later.  I may not focus on that on my bad days, but on my good days (like today) those thoughts are very prevalent.

What was your greatest challenge with miscarriage?
Maybe the people who know me should stop reading now.  It's hard to see how miscarriage affects a mother and a father differently.  Ben hadn't yet bonded with our children.  He thought it was sad, but he's overall pretty fine and not in any stage of grief or mourning.   I'm sure he'll not be pleased with me sharing this online, but those going through miscarriage should know - I had my NILMDTS photographer take a picture of Seth in the same pose as each of our children have been photographed in.  I intended from the beginning for it to be hung on the wall with our other children, which happens to be in the dining room.  I chose an edited picture so that Seth's eyes were closed so the kids wouldn't be confused by his opened eyes.  I chose black and white rather than color to be a little more kind to anyone who came to our home.  Ben took it down a couple days after I hung it up.  I let him know that him removing the photo was like him rejecting Seth as one of our children.  He said it grossed him out to see a picture of a corpse when sitting at the dinner table.  A picture of my son should not "gross out" my husband, his father, and should not be referred to as a picture of a corpse.  That hurt me SO MUCH.

Also, others telling me in their kindest words that I needed to stop being sad and get over it already is amazingly difficult.  Every birth day and due date is going to be hard, and there will be random hard days in between.  Imagine losing your child.  You don't just get over it.

So, it wasn't the physical stuff that was hard.  It wasn't my own coming to terms that my child would not live in my home.  It was that others move on more quickly than I am.

What, if any, was your greatest gift or life lesson?
My greatest gift is my faith and devotion.  I have a Heavenly Father and Savior that love me and comfort me.  And they guide me to where I can help others.  I try to look at my losses as a way to show me that there is a great need that isn't being met, and I'm being entrusted to help meet those needs.  So I will keep making angel clothing and other items.  I will keep telling my story.  And I will keep holding nothing back in the hopes that someone will be helped by my experience.  I may have severe heartache every single day as I sew these tiny little clothes, but Christ comforts me as I follow His guidance.  How could any gift be much greater than that?


If you’d like to be interviewed, please email tuckersuzanne @ sbcglobal (dot) net, or feel free to comment on the link to her post provided above. You can see the videos from other moms she has talked to on Hopeful Miscarriage.

And as she ended her post, I would like to end mine the same:
Blessings to you on your journey, and thank you from MY healing heart for listening.

Day 2 - again

Well, thanks to some absolutely fabulous women in my ward and that I met after Taylor died, I:

• have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow, and then I can schedule an induction
• am in contact with a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
• know to ask for the benevolent specialist
• know to use words like "stillbirth" instead of "miscarriage," after all, despite her age, I have still carried her for over 19 weeks, perhaps 20 weeks by delivery and I know that a certificate of stillbirth would be better for me than being sent home with no proof of her existence
• know that I need to find a mortuary/funeral home so that I can
•  either get an urn or a casket, depending on cremation or burial
• get an infant burial plot at a cemetery, if we choose to go that route
•  have some places to contact concerning a headstone, if we go that route 
•  got to the Jordan River Temple yesterday - even if I didn't get all the answers I wanted, it was a break from crying and that was nice, my eyes are sore and burn, had to switch to glasses it hurt so much
• know to have MORE memorabilia rather than a bare minimum - I can choose not to look at too many pictures, hide away the foot/hand castings or prints, make a box for everything so I only have to look when I want to, but I can't ever get more done - more people seem to wish they had more photos and memorabilia than fewer/less

There is still a lot to accomplish, like all those big decisions I mentioned (cremation/burial, cemetery, mortuary, urn/casket, headstone, etc...) but I am working on it.  I talked to my insurance company a few times already.  They'll do genetic testing on me, need pre-approval for testing on the placenta, but will not cover ANYTHING for Isabelle.  No autopsy.  No blood work.  No checking for chromosomal abnormalities.  No searching for cause of death.  No searching to see if this would happen a third time if I got pregnant again.  Any testing has to be done on ME only.  I think it's a crap shoot, but what do I know.  Oh, and the reason they don't cover testing on Isabelle...?  She's not registered under our insurance plan.  There would be no family member to charge it to.   Yes, if you're feeling angry right now, you've got just a taste of my feelings.

How am I feeling?  I got most of the really snotty and loud crying out... for now.  I still cry, though not for a solid half hour of tears streaming down my face.  I'm in business mode trying to get all of these arrangements made.  TV isn't very numbing, but being in business mode is.  My head hurts constantly.  Not sure if it's from crying or from holding back tears, or both, or just the headache that it is to arrange for delivery of my already dead baby and then figure out what to do with my child's body.  No parent should have to do this kind of stuff.  I called the hospital that I plan to deliver at, and they were very UNhelpful.  She couldn't tell me if I'd get a certificate of stillbirth or not - if it's based on how many weeks pregnant I am or the gestational age of the baby.  She couldn't tell me what the hospital's photographer offers for parents of a stillborn.  All she could tell me is that, if I wanted to, they would DISPOSE of the body for me.  Yeah, like anyone wants to hear that.  Sounds like (and they probably do) they just throw the baby in the trash.  This is my CHILD.  She should NOT be in the trash.  I WILL do better this time.  Half of what hurt so much with Taylor was how her body was treated.  Since I never saw it and she was flushed down a toilet, I felt very guilty for mistreating her.  I know I didn't do it on purpose.  I hope Taylor knows that, too.  And I am NOT going to allow such a thing for Isabelle.  Her body WILL be respected and treated properly, like a child, not trash.

So, if anyone has any suggestions or stories of what you/others have done considering cremation/burial, cemetery, mortuary, urn/casket, headstone, etc..., please let me know.  A closer cemetery is probably better so I can visit, should I want to.  Or maybe I should go for the same one that other family is in so that she is properly visited on Memorial Day, though it's a good hour or so from here.  Suggestions??

Happy Mother's Day!

Today, I thought I'd take the opportunity to make my SIXTH announcement.  Pregnancy announcement, that is!  Yes, I am 7 weeks 2 days pregnant, and pregnant for the 6th time!

Yes, that's right.  This is my SIXTH pregnancy.  This is the SIXTH time I've had the privilege to announce that I am growing a tiny little human right now.  (I'm so crafty, I make people.)  I'll gladly accept any and all prayers that this baby grows happy and healthy and joins our family here on Earth where s/he will grow to a ripe old age, still happy and healthy.  I'm nervous, but I don't have the same fears with this pregnancy as I did the last one.

I'm not "over" losing Taylor.  I don't think I'll ever be "over" it.  However, the opportunity to be pregnant again is amazing, glorious, and I am so very thankful for it!  I want to shout it out to the world that I am pregnant again!  I want to celebrate every minute of this pregnancy, much as I have felt with my other FIVE pregnancies.

Last time around, I could never envision the birth.  I could see the NEXT birth (as in, this pregnancy), and would even try to create an image of Taylor there with us, but it was a forced illusion.  This time, I am guessing we're having a boy and I can SEE this birth happening.  But, that doesn't mean I'm fear-free.  Every twinge has me nervous.  My first appointment isn't until 10 weeks (June 1st) and it breaks my heart to remember how Taylor's heart was beating so strongly at that stage, as I had that initial early ultrasound done.  So seeing it this time around isn't going to lessen any fears I have.  I'm nervous, almost like I shouldn't be but can't quite kick it anyway.

I should be due sometime around December 28th, though give it +/- a week!

Only 32 weeks 5 days-ISH to go!!

21 April 2012

Tuesday News Day

It's Tuesday and I remember!!

On the Taylor front:  I should be 22 weeks 2 days pregnant.  Instead, I'm not pregnant at all.  I still hate this.  There have been a LOT of pregnancy announcements recently and it's killing me.  I want to cry at nearly every one of them.  Which is funny, because I have a friend who is trying to become pregnant, and if she succeeds, I am going to be nearly as happy and excited for them as they are themselves!  I really don't begrudge anyone due to their pregnancies, I am just sad that I'm not going to be meeting my precious baby in another 18 weeks, dressing her in cute outfits, complaining about how miserable a summertime third trimester is/was, and watching my baby grow.  I am not very good at letting myself cry.  I need to get better at allowing it to happen though.  It hurts even more as I let it all sit inside of me, building and building until I burst.  I noticed that I hate hearing pregnancy complaints SO much now.  Yeah, I know pieces of it kinda suck.  But suck it up, ladies!  Those horrible parts are such a blessing, one I wish I was burdened with!

If you look over to the right, you should find a little box that states my weight loss.  Yes, only 6 lbs so far.  1 lb to go to achieve my pre-Taylor weight.  It's not that I had gained much with that 13-14 week pregnancy, but I lived on chocolate and Pepsi quite a bit afterward.  Then 5 lbs after that to achieve my pre-Kiersten weight.  5 more lbs to reach my pre-Mitchell weight.  Once I'm there, then we'll start talking about how much more to get to my pre-Keith and eventually my pre-BEN! weight.  I tell ya, getting married and having the first kid were my two biggest weight gain times.  Ben put more weight on me, more quickly, than one could ever have imagined.  It was more and faster than any of my pregnancies!  You're killin' me, Ben! 

Before meeting Ben

After Mitchell was born

Kiersten says things.  If you don't know the phrases that we say to her often, you can't recognize them, but she says them.  She says "over" when a show/movie ends.  Why?  Because that's what the boys do.  She says "thank you" when she gives you something, or takes something from you.  Why?  Because this is one of the most important and the very first thing we teach our kids to say.  She says "good girl" randomly because that's what I say to her when I am pleased with something she has done.  She is just the most wonderful little bitty girl!  At nearly 15 months, I STILL just can't get enough of her!  She's just perfectly wonderful!  Oh, and she still just has the two teeth on bottom.  However, she is barely cutting the two on top.  Hopefully you'll be able to see them and not just feel them soon.

Mitchell and Keith are such boys.  I'm so glad it warmed up again.  They've been really enjoying playing outside again, and I'm so glad we've got a fenced backyard for them to play in.  Once we get those window wells covered, it'll be even better!

Speaking of warming up...  I wonder if I'll do a garden this year.  I've done one every other year we've been here, but I'm just not feeling it this year.  They're so much work and I'm not very good at it.

Finally, this weekend is going to be General Conference!  I love Conference weekend!  It's like a mini-vacation!  I make BIG breakfasts, treats, BIG dinners... I just cook the whole time so that I pay attention better.  I think we're going to invite some people over, too!  When I'm not cooking, I try to take notes.  How wonderfully amazing that we have a prophet and apostles and other church leaders who address us twice a year to keep us inspired and working toward righteousness!  They give us instructions to lead us to happiness, and I am just so grateful for their words of wisdom and kindness! 

Okay, let's see if I remember next week...

Tuesday News Day

So, I kinda got busy and forgot last week.  SORRY!

Keith has been home all last week and will be most of this week.  A kid at school got the chickenpox, and since Keith was never vaccinated for it, the school has asked that he stay home until the contagious period has passed.  So, I get extra Keith time, but that also means I'm busier and forget about things like blogging.

Also, I was a guest blogger yesterday!!  RobbyGurl's Creations featured my tutorial on a frame I have hanging in Kiersten's room for her flower clips.  Check it out!!

On Friday, someone called me.  I don't know if I'm allowed to say whom, because I don't know if they're sharing their news with everyone or just those they're closest to.  No facebook announcements yet, so I'll leave the name out.  Anyway, in case you haven't guessed, they're pregnant.  And I am amazingly happy for them!!  However, as I hung up the phone, I cried.  I really am so very happy for them.  I just also happen to be very sad for me.  We both have little girls right now, and they're 2 months apart.  If we were still BOTH pregnant, our babies would be 2 months apart again.  We'd both have babies 18 months younger than our little girls.  As I was told of their happy 11 week ultrasound, all I could think of is that I had an ultrasound just a few days before 10 weeks and it was such a happy ultrasound... but the next one wasn't so happy.  Oh, I pray they don't suffer the same fate.  I now better understand that hitting your second trimester does NOT ensure that you won't suffer a miscarriage, that all will be well after that.

I had thought that I was doing remarkably well, but this announcement still hurts me.  I cried a LOT over it.  No, not over the announcement and their joy... but rather at my own loss.  When I say "I cried," I don't mean I had a couple tears roll down my cheeks.  I mean wet, slobbery, snotty, please-don't-walk-in-on-me crying.  The kind that requires a lot of tissues and leaves a few big wet spots on your pillow or blanket.  I had no idea that all that emotion was still in me.  I really thought I was doing fine.

The point?  I am learning more and more that bad days appear out of nowhere, and that a loss is a loss, no matter how early or late it was.  Loss hurts.  And healing takes a lot more time than I thought.  I miss my Taylor.  I'm also learning that someone's loss hurts more than just their immediate family.  It effects friends and grandparents and so many others, too.  It's not just moms that hurt.  Oh dear Taylor, you are STILL so very loved, even though we never got to meet you.

In other news, anyone want to drive to Missouri with me in late April?  I am hoping to take my mom to the Kansas City Temple's open house and perhaps the dedication in early May.  Wanna ride with me?  3 kids and one adult on a 17 hour drive is NOT sounding happy.  I need help!!

Calvin's Hats

So, as I've said, I'm "okay" with having miscarried.  I look forward to my opportunity to be a mother after the resurrection.  I hate not having my baby kicking away in my belly right now (I would be 17w2d today), but I know that the promises of the future are so much brighter than I could imagine with Taylor on earth right now (or in a few more months).  The only part I still have trouble with is not having seen that tiny little body.  I still believe Taylor was a girl, so just get used to me referring to Taylor as she/her. 

Having not seen her, I've looked things up trying to imagine how tiny she was.  There are so many amazing organizations out there that help mothers who have lost.  One of those companies is Calvin's Hats.  They make hats for babies born before 28 weeks.  I requested one, just to help me with my own healing at not seeing my baby.  They sent the most tiny little hat. 

I put it in a scrapbook I have going for Taylor's remembrance.  See how tiny it is compared to a standard, hospital-issue pacifier, or compared to the standard size business card?  It's so very tiny. 

The card reads:
Itsy Bitsy Hats
Made For
Teeny Tiny
Angels...
With a Whole
Bunch of Love

Also, they posted my very short version of my experience with her on their Updates & Angel Stories page:

We miscarried our second pregnancy back in February 2007 at a mere 7 weeks. We had such a hard time getting pregnant again but Mitchell finally joined us in February 2009, and then Kiersten in January 2011. Both took help to achieve pregnancy (clomid for him, herbs for her). So when we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant, it felt almost miraculous. We had a very early ultrasound done at 9w4d and I saw that tiny heart beating so strongly. When I went in for my next scheduled appointment at 13w4d and we could not find a heartbeat, my own heart sank and filled with hurt. Ultrasounds show that my baby's growth stopped at 13w1d though I did not pass the tiny body until 14w1d, on January 23, 2012. We did not have the chance to see my Taylor's body, but I strongly believe it was a girl. My little miracle baby is gone, but my heart still yearns for her.

Ginger

At any rate, I wanted to share with you both how tiny she was, and also share this company with you that helps spread comfort and love.  How incredible for people to take the time to help others heal their hearts like this.

Tuesday News Day

Today I should be 16 weeks 2 days pregnant with my little Taylor.  Instead, 2 weeks ago yesterday, I accidentally flushed my baby into the sewer system.  I'm still not doing well with that.  I'm okay with his/her passing, but just can't seem to come to terms with the treatment of that tiny body.  I don't know if I'll ever get over that.  I wake up with horrid headaches that Tylenol barely touches every single day.  Not so much from crying because I only seem to cry when I allow myself to visualize what happened with Taylor's body, but instead it's like some kind of hormone headache.  Hopefully things will get back to normal inside me soon.  In the meantime, ouch!

I found a great group of women on facebook that have helped a lot.  It's a group of mothers who have lost their babies.  One in particular has been a tremendous help.  She actually lives about an hour from me and blogs about her day-to-day experiences as she manages her grief at losing her twin boys, one at 21 weeks and one at (I think) 26 weeks.  She delivered them both the same day.  It was hard enough to lose my 13 week Taylor who had a fully formed body.  I can't even imagine the pain she must be enduring to be twice as far along and lose two babies, her first babies, meaning she didn't even have the smiles of other children at home to force her to go on and work through the pain quickly.  Every bit of her healing has been because her own doing, and that of our Heavenly Father.  I just want to hug her so badly!  As she works through her pain and therapeutically writes it out on a blog the way I do, it brings me so much help and relief and insight.  She even said how doing genealogy work is like her and her sons both working toward the same goal, considering the righteous spirits of our passed children are doing missionary work where they are.  We are all working together towards one goal, and that brings so much amazing comfort!

Also in our group, we are starting to make quilts to engulf with love other mothers going through similar grief as they lose or have lost a child.  They're actually all going to send their 2 identical quilt blocks (as many sets of 2 as they'd like) to me to sew into a quilt top... and then eventually quilt together!  I'm working on getting a quilting machine from my great-aunt.  Gotta save up quite a bit first.  I hope so much that I can get it by summer so I can work on this project.  It's such a healing project to do something for someone else.  I still feel like Taylor's purpose was to enlighten me as to the needs of these other women so that I could do something to help.  I also still feel like Taylor won't be my last loss.  I hope I can have a "rainbow baby" next, before any more losses. 

Thursday is Keith's birthday.  We are letting each of the boys invite two friends as we go to Chuck E. Cheese this year.  Mitchell's birthday is just 9 days later, so we're going to do an out-of-the-house celebration for both boys on the same day.  Then, on Mitchell's birthday, we're hosting a cousin's dinner - so we can get together with all of the cousins on the Harvey side that we're close to.  They love having their cousins over!!  So, time to plaster on a happy face, despite anything I may be feeling (mostly numbly sad) and continue on...

Tuesday News Day

Well, everyone knows how my last week has been, so I would like to share some thoughts and inspirations from my past week, along with some thanks to so many people...

I am so grateful for prayers that have guided me and kept me at task this week.  This experience wasn't for me, but for me to share so that others could receive comfort, guidance, and knowledge.

I know that it isn't of me that I have appeared so strong.  I know that it was through the prayers of others, and the attendance of the Holy Ghost that I was given the strength and determination to write of my experience.  If the Holy Ghost were to entirely withdraw from me right now, I may break down and hide out for weeks.  However, there was a mission and a purpose for Taylor's short life, and that's what I've been empowered to help bring about.  It was to help others through comfort, guidance, and knowledge.  I have been so humbled by the outreach extended to me by so many.  I've been humbled by how many women have shared their own experiences with me.  I wish that these women would find the courage to share these experiences here where others can draw strength from them, sharing with all instead of just one.  These stories have been such a source of help and inspiration for me.

This has also been testimony and faith building for me.  This time, my trial showed me immediately that it was going to be helpful to others.  I hope that I can always remember this so that with another trial, I will remember to hold judgement and anger until I can see that something good will come of it.  Remember how Christ had trial after trial and suffered so greatly?  As women, when something as tragic as losing a child happens, the first thing we do is turn inward questioning what we did to deserve such a trial.  Christ didn't do anything to "deserve" his trials and sufferings.  It is the same with us.  We do not "earn" or "deserve" our trials and sufferings.  Sometimes they are to help us to grow spiritually somehow.  Sometimes they aren't about us, but rather to help someone else.  Christ suffered and now knows exactly what each of us feels with each of our own trials.  He did it to help us; He atoned for our sins so that we may be forgiven.  My suffering wasn't nearly on the same scale, but it helps me to remember that our sufferings can be for the benefit of others.  It's not our fault that we are tried in the ways we are.  It is merely what must happen so that we can help and empathize as we are called on. I know that so many women have suffered more than me by far.  I also know that I could handle it if this happened again.  I hate knowing that, in a way.  I fear that it will happen again BECAUSE I am able to handle it.  However, as much as it sucks, I'd rather go through it again than some other woman who can't handle it as well having to endure such a trial.  There are such amazing, strong, caring, loving, endearing, and sensitive women near me that I would rather take on such a trial than any of them having to endure it.  Not that they can't handle it, but I wouldn't want them to.

I just hope that I can remember things like "there must needs be opposition in all things" (2 Nephi 2:11) and that you don't "deserve" trials and sufferings.  I hope I can remember that having opposition in all things means there is good to come of all trials.  I hope I can remember how incredible people have been to me, and I hope I can return the kindness to each and every single person.  I pray that I can be aware of the needs of others and help where I am able.  I pray that others will be able to feel of the love of their Heavenly Father as much as I have this week.  And I hope each of you knows just how important you have been to me this week.  Thank you, each of you, for your kind words, shared experiences, and kind thoughts and prayers.  Thank you so much.  I feel like Taylor's short life will not be in vain because of the wonderful things that have come from the experience of his/her life.

**UPDATE** 
I wrote all of the above on Sunday night.  Monday was not nearly as spiritually minded.  Instead, I couldn't stop crying.  It is the most I've cried so far.  I just can't stop thinking about how it's all my fault that my Taylor ended up in the sewers with everything else that has been flushed.  That is NOT where my baby deserves to be.  Taylor should be in my arms.  Even if there was no need for him/her to live this earthly life, there was no need for him/her to end up in the sewer.  That was not the choice Ben and I made.  Yet that is what happened and it's my fault that it happened that way.  I didn't do enough.  I could have searched longer and harder.  It's my fault.  I hope he/she knows that I didn't want him/her there.  Oh gosh!  And referring to my child as him/her and he/she tears me up, too.  I could have known a gender, but because of my own mistakes, I don't know and can't even give my child enough respect to use the proper words.  I know people keep saying it wasn't my fault or there was a purpose behind it, but all it feels like is that it's my fault that I couldn't treat Taylor's body appropriately and respectfully.  I am to blame.

I know I put on a strong front, but Monday was anything but strong.  It hurt for the entire day.  Something tells me my Tuesday isn't going to be that much better.

In fact, Tuesday begins with Keith asking me, "Mommy, what's our new baby's name?"  Perfect 9am conversation after such a rough day yesterday.  I told him, "Sweetie, the new baby died.  There isn't a baby in mommy's tummy anymore.  The baby's name is Taylor, but [she's] already gone.  I'm so sorry sweetie."  He was sad, didn't want to believe it, and gave me a hug.  Then he repeated what he told me last night, "I hope we have a lot of kids."

Well, I can't say I don't wish for the same.  Here's to hoping today is better than yesterday...

One Week

Thursday, January 26, 2012
Today we went in to see the midwife again.  We couldn't help but hope to see that Taylor was still inside.  Our hope was in vain.  Of course I was empty inside, in more ways than one.  It is all my fault that we didn't get to meet our baby.  Despite being on my knees searching through the toilet, I couldn't find my sweet baby.  It's my fault, and I can only hope Taylor will forgive me for not giving that body a proper resting place.  We know there was no spirit inside the body, but we both feel badly nonetheless.  People keep saying I can't blame myself, but I do.  Who else would be to blame?  I can't help but cry at the thought of where my child is laid to rest... in a sewer, being filtered out in a water plant somewhere before the water is sent to irrigate a farm or something.  And that's my fault.  I don't think I'll ever be able to beg for forgiveness for that enough to feel okay and at peace about it.

I suppose all I can do now is look forward to resurrection and the chance to meet my Taylor face-to-face where I can beg forgiveness.  I hope Taylor will allow me to raise him/her, to be his/her mother.  I hate that I still don't know a gender.  I want to say the name Taylor as much as I can to avoid the lack of knowing a gender, and to acknowledge him/her as much as possible.

I know mothers will understand more than fathers - I loved my baby.  As soon as a woman finds out she's pregnant, she develops a love for her child.  She immediately becomes protective of her child and her child's home (her body).  Taylor, please know that I loved you.  I do love you.  And I hope you'll forgive me.  I hope I can hold you one day.  You're in my thoughts always.

I'm going to choose to believe that my Heavenly Father didn't want me to see Taylor's body for a reason.  Perhaps it would have been harder on me than I imagined.  Perhaps I needed a lesson in faith.  Perhaps it was so that I can better empathize with someone.  Perhaps it is for the benefit of someone else, not me.  I refuse to let this be something entirely negative.  Someone is going to benefit from this in some way, even if I am never aware of it.  So if anyone has any questions, no matter how personal the question may seem, please ask.  I promise that, no matter how much it may hurt to answer, I will answer honestly and openly and entirely.  I also refuse to be angry at anyone else being pregnant or having a baby.  My pain isn't going to get in the way of the joy someone else is experiencing.  As far as that goes, I WILL be happy for others.  So don't shy away from sharing your joyous news with me.

Okay, I guess that's about all I can say.  Goodbye Taylor.  Though we never met face-to-face, your mommy loves you always.

Day 7 - It's Over

Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Today I realized that it's most likely all over.  I hate having to admit that, it hurts.  I feel like I've been cheated out of my opportunity to hold and mourn the loss of my baby.  I feel like a terrible mother than couldn't even find her 3-4" baby among soft, squishy blood clots, and flushed her poor sweet baby without any recognition at all.  Ben had bought some white satin material from a fabric store to line the wooden box we planned to bury the baby in.  He has been pretty sad about things, too.  Now it seems even he isn't going to get the experience and moments that he needed for healing.  I feel we've both been deprived of the MOMENTS that our emotions and our souls were in such need of, all because I couldn't recognize my baby.  I searched though.  I really did.  I am sobbing silently as I type, as though I'm pleading with my baby to understand.  I really wanted those MOMENTS to hold my child, to find out a gender, to tell him or her that I loved him/her. 

In my mind, I envision what those moments would have been like.  A tiny pale purple body that fits in my hand.  Petting his/her head with my finger, stroking its back or tummy, telling him/her how much I wanted it and loved it.  Mothers create a bond with their babies much sooner than fathers do.  Almost immediately, we begin rubbing our bellies and professing our love to the child.  We hold our bellies at night and tell our babies to grow healthy and strong as we sleep. I envision taking a couple pictures with our wedding rings coupled with the baby to show size, or maybe the baby inside my hand inside Ben's hand.  I imagine gently laying her (I still think it was a girl) inside the box lined with the beautiful satin fabric for a last picture, then laying the extra fabric around her, enveloping her in the soft satin, putting the lid on, writing her name, date, and gestation on the box, and standing outside to bury her.  I imagine a beautiful scrapbook to remember my baby with.  Instead, it won't be quite so beautiful because my baby is gone without me ever getting to hold him/her.  I can't tell you how sad I am.  I have no words for it.  Perhaps in a less ceremonious way, I'll merely bury the placenta instead, just in a garden area where it can nourish the life of something else.

However, here are some images of my beautiful baby, gone way too soon.  We named him/her TAYLOR HARVEY, a name that will be perfectly appropriate for either gender as we meet him/her after the resurrection and raise our child in righteousness in the Millennium.  I hope Taylor will forgive us for the manner of birth and burial.  I wanted so much more for my baby, it just didn't happen as I planned.  Nothing about this was ever as I planned.  Taylor, you will always be loved and missed.  We'll see you, hold you, love you, and cuddle you before long....

15 November 2011

Taylor's heart was fluttering so quickly here.

It's a very low-intensity ultrasound, so you can't see it very well,
but at the top is Taylor's hand with fingers outstretched.

This was just hours before Taylor's birth.