Friday, October 4, 2013

Capture Your Grief: Day 2 of 2013

Day 2. Identity:
What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

We chose this name because she died at 13w1d and was born at 14w1d - we never got to see her tiny body and it was too soon for ultrasound to show a gender.  We HIGHLY believe Taylor was a girl, but just in case, we didn't want to offend our little one, so we chose an androgynous name.  I went through the book "The Baby Name Wizard" and found a list of androgynous names.  I highlighted the ones that I liked best (Aubrey, Billie, Drew, Jody, Joey, Micah, Quinn, Reese, Robin, Taylor) and let Ben choose from that list.  He chose Taylor, which I was pleased with.  To read about her birth details, go HERE

Since then, I've found that her purpose was to introduce me to the community of loss mothers.  Being in the loss community already helped me with what was coming next.

As described HERE, we found out that we lost this sweet baby when I went in for my gender-reveal ultrasound at 19 weeks.  They were so positive that we were having a girl that the tech colored the gender-shot screen pink.  We chose the name Isabelle with no middle name, just as our little Taylor girl has no middle name.  Then I delivered my baby and found out that he was ALL BOY!  I pulled out my phone to look up my name list I had sent to my sister and read off all the boy names.  Ben said Seth was the only one that really stood out to him.  From there, we decided it sounded short and he needed a middle name, so I chose Micah to go with it (another name from our list). 

Seth means "Annointed."  Micah means "Who Is Like God?" (never understood why this is followed by a question mark).  However, both names are scriptural, biblical.  Seth was the perfect son of Adam (See D&C 107:43 or look up Seth in the Bible Dictionary) and Micah was a prophet (see HERE for more about Micah).  In our religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe that children are without sin, they are not accountable for their actions until they reach the age of accountability (age 8, unless other mental handicaps are present).  This means that our tiny son died while still perfect in the sight of our Heavenly Father.  Although he lived in my womb, he was never subjected to the sins of this world, he never sinned, he was in fact quite perfect.  So the name Seth has ended up being quite perfect for our little boy. 

For his birth details, read HERE
As for his features - he was a mere 6" long and 3oz.  He was slender yet very muscular as he wasn't old enough to have gained any real baby fat yet.  His eyes were open (which they say doesn't happen for another few weeks after he had died).  He had some swelling on the back of his head from being gone for so long before his birth (remember, he died at 16weeks and was born at 19w4d) but his hat covered it so we could enjoy everything else without being afraid.  He had a cute little nose and chin.  To me, he was absolutely beautiful.  

Now, like I was saying, Taylor's loss had me enter the community of loss mothers.  That enabled me to know about NILMDTS and get the pictures of Seth that I treasure more than I can describe.  While we anticipated Isabelle's arrival, I had picked out some outfits hoping one would fit our little girl, and it gave me comfort to know she'd be dressed like any other baby.  Then, we had a boy.  I was sad that the clothes were no longer appropriate for our baby.  All the pictures of him are of a little naked baby, sometimes wrapped in a blanket.  Since then, I've learned to crochet to make angel clothing and sewn more angel clothing and all of it has been donated out to photographers and hospitals, hoping others will be able to dress their babies.  Of course I have a special place in my heart for the tiniest outfits, the ones that would have fit my little Seth.  Those are my favorites to make because they mean so much more to me.  

I lost my babies because there is a need in this world, a need to comfort grieving parents, to extend a hand of love to show grieving parents that they're not alone.  Making angel clothing is how I go about accomplishing the task I have been called to do.  I will likely always do it.  I hated that my baby was naked and cold.  We were so sure we were having a girl, though.  Who would have thought to bring boy clothes "just in case?"  I don't blame anyone.  It just makes me sad.  After everyone had left, before I gave Seth to the nurses so the funeral home could take him away, I had the nurses bring me a full-term baby hat to wrap him in, to keep his toes warm, to act like a sleeping bag because I hated him being so cold.  Yes, I know he couldn't feel the cold, but it made me feel better to have him warmly wrapped.  Hopefully, my efforts will help so that other parents don't have to use full-term items to wrap their tiny ones in.

So that's how I perceive their identities.  They introduced me to the loss community and to the needs of those who have lost.  The work I do is in remembrance of my sweet angels, and hopefully it brings comfort, even the tiniest bit, to other grieving parents.

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