Testimony

First, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has decided to help make these memory boxes!  I hope it can be an ongoing project of love for years on end!  I am so humbled by how quickly so many of you have jumped at the chance to help out!  Some of you have said you don't really have anything to donate, don't have a crafty bone in your body, or are far enough away that you don't know how to help.  So, I've made an amazon wish list so that everyone who wants to can help out!!  I have it set up so that my address is entered in for shipping.  Some of the items are not from amazon, but other sites - if I can find something similar on amazon, I'll post it on there also.  But the other sites had better prices.  Not sure how the other sites part actually works.  Anyway, it's there and THANK YOU for wanting to help in this endeavor!!

Now, for today:
If you're unfamiliar with my religion, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or LDS/Mormon.  Every month on the first Sunday, we fast (go without food and water for one day or two meals while praying for guidance, for help for ourselves or someone else, or some other reason, but we fast while praying with a purpose), and then we go to church and hold a Fast & Testimony meeting rather than the regular meeting of talks given to uplift, guide, and support each other.  Today was a Fast & Testimony meeting Sunday.

Several people had gone up and shared their testimony already, and then it got really quiet.  That rarely happens in our ward as we are filled with some of the most amazingly spiritual and loving and faithful people I've ever met.  But it was quiet.  And I began fighting back tears.  It was quiet because I needed to go share my testimony.  Except I'm a great big chicken, and I was fighting tears before even standing up, so how in the world was I going to speak?  So I didn't.  I'm a little ashamed that I didn't, but I promised myself I would share it here instead.

I wanted to share that, although I'm still suffering through losing two babies so far this year and my emotions are a mess, my faith is not.  My faith is still strong.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.  I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, loves me.  They know ME.  They know MY trials, MY sufferings, MY joy, MY desires, MY heart, ME.  And they care and love ME.  This love is expressed to me through the wonderful outpouring of love and support I've received from so many people, including some that I haven't seen in a long time or haven't even talked to in a long time or that I didn't think ever even noticed me!  But people have noticed, and they care.  And I appreciate it so very much.

Even when life presents us with trials as harsh as burying your child, remember that it's not because we deserved it, because we are hated, because we did anything wrong.  Instead, remember that our Heavenly Father and Savior are both there to help us as we endure it.  Losing a child isn't something anyone ever "gets through" or "gets over" because it stays with us forever.  Every single day, I think of my Taylor and my Seth, and I miss them.  Don't ever be afraid of bringing them up because I'd rather talk about them than think no one else remembers them or cares about them.  Bringing them up *might* make me cry, or hold back tears as best I can, or I may smile - either way, the tears and the smiles are out of love for them and appreciation that you cared to speak their names. 

Although I already believed that every life had meaning, I've learned that belief comes from the mind while a compelling faith comes from the heart and soul.  Now, my heart and soul have a pure faith in the truth that every life has meaning, no matter how brief that life may be.  I'm learning this more and more every day as people are moved to volunteer to help with these memory boxes.  One lady donated enough pre-made scrapbook pages for 8 scrapbooks (4 double pages each).  Another lady donated a box FULL of scrapbooking supplies (had to be a good solid $100 worth) along with baskets and wooden boxes with frames on the top.  Another donated fabric, which I promptly took to yet another lady who is sewing gowns, diapers, and blankets/pouches.  Another is helping me search for donations.  Another is donating her time and talents to crocheting, knitting, and sewing burial outfits, hats, blankets, etc.  Taylor and Seth are both being honored as everyone helps me make these memory boxes for other grieving parents and their lost babies.  Their lives have meaning, despite how brief they were, because I was introduced to a need that I am now able to help fill along with the help of so many others.  Their short lives inspired love and kindness from others in SO VERY MANY forms. 

So, I testify to you that our Heavenly Father and our Savior both know and love each of us individually.  I testify to you that They show this love through the kindnesses of others, as well through The Comforter, the Holy Ghost.  I testify to you that every life, no matter how brief, has purpose.  And I encourage everyone to pray more, get to know these loving heavenly beings, and allow yourself to open your heart and mind to being instructed and directed to show kindness to those around you.

Again, I am so humbled by the outpour of love shown by those around me, and by the compassion shown by all those who are wanting to help with these memory boxes.  They are going to bring a bit of love and comfort to families going through one of the hardest moments of their lives - the death of their child(ren).  Thank you for getting involved, no matter if it's with my project or any other.  Thank you.

More Blessings

So,...
I think it seems like I start all my posts with "So,..."

So, let me just tell a quick story. 

My friend, Penny, and I were able to get some solid oak bunk beds for $40 back in August.  There was a college selling off their dorm furniture.  We found out that they'd be selling one last dorm's furniture in the spring.  We were hoping to get some dressers to match our bunk beds when they sell more stuff.  Anyway, so I texted her one day to ask if she'd talked to the college about the dressers yet.  The day before, she'd received a call from a friend saying she had several dressers in her house that she had planned to paint and make nice but she hadn't gotten around to it and wanted them out of her house.  I mentioned to Penny that we only had ONE dresser in our whole house, so of course she was thrilled to be able to offer me some dressers!  I also mentioned that I hoped we could get more mattresses.  (Another college was selling off their new, never used mattress surplus so I got 2 extra longs for $25 each and a regular twin for $50... but I needed one more for Mitchell's bed now that he needed something other than his toddler bed.)  Penny had an extra from the same sale I got mine from, which means it'd match Keith's mattress.  Anyway, so then one night in our family prayers, I prayed for help getting our budget back on track (yeah, yeah... so I've been over spending in our grocery envelope... see www.mitebudget.com for more envelope information, it's the site Ben made for us and we now share with everyone!).  So then Penny calls me, tells me all of this, and the puzzle comes together that Heavenly Father has been placing things where they needed to be so that I could get a total of 3 dressers, a hutch, and a twin mattress... all for $50!!

You may wonder, why on earth would God care to give me all those things for such a price?  I'll tell you why.  Because He KNOWS ME.  He LOVES ME.  He wants ME to be HAPPY.  Because WE have a good RELATIONSHIP where I talk to Him and He answers back.  Call me crazy, but I tell my Heavenly Father about my day, my frustrations, my joys, my concerns, my desires.  I ask Him for blessings (sometimes the answer is "no" such as when I plead for a quiet, uninterrupted night of sleep, and then we've got one kid who doesn't want to go to bed and another that wakes up every couple hours), and I ask to be lead to others that I can serve and help.  If it's at all possible, I try to never say "no" to someone that I am able to help.  Remember when your mom told you "what goes around, comes around?"  Well, that applies to the positive, too.  Not just the negative.  Help someone and someone else will help you.  It's the pay-it-forward principle.  And I think I have a lot to pay forward after all my recent blessings.  So, let me know if I can help you!  ;)

Also, be sure to pray to find out that Heavenly Father knows YOU individually, too.  It's so amazing to know that we have a TWO-WAY relationship.  It's not all me talking (despite what you may believe, knowing that I never shut up).  I get responses, and if you pay attention, you will too!  It may come through the words of someone else.  It may come through the actions of someone else.  It may be a still, small voice that whispers to you so very quietly.  Answers can come in so many different ways.  But they come.  Yes, No, or Maybe... they come.  My favorite... when I feel the "I Love You" from my Heavenly Father.

Constant Trials

Do you know what the hardest thing in the world seems to be, in my book?  Constant trials.  Trial after trial, testing my faith.  I'm given trials where I could choose to be angry, or I could choose to see that my Heavenly Father is there and helping me along, giving me the support and love that I need to get to where is best for me.  I can't tell you in words how amazingly hard it can be sometimes to always have that trust in God that these trials are for my own good, to bring me to where I can better live up to the stature of my soul.  I know I'll never reach that full stature in this life, but I know that He is trying to get me there.  I feel like that old song says... He is the potter and I am the clay.  My life spins around me, circling and spinning.  Sometimes I feel like something goes awry and so I'm smashed back down to try again.  Or maybe I'm getting to the part where I'm a formed vase and intricate designs are being carved into me.  I long for the day when I am put into the kiln and glazed and finished as a beautiful sculpture, no longer having trials to endure.  For now, I just have to trust that I have been prepared for what is to come.  I have to trust that others have been prepared to help me through this stage of my life.  I have to know that I have been brought to the place where those who can best help me are nearby.  Everything has been carefully put into place so that *I* can become what I must through the endurance and faith through the trials that are to come.  Trials are called trials for a very good reason... 1) they are not easy, not at all.  2) you have choices to make.  Constant prayer will guide you through it.  Listening to the Spirit, allowing yourself to receive answers through those placed in your life, or through internal promptings, just accepting answers where they come (and then praying to know if that is actually your answer or not, and then listening again)... it's the only way through.  As was said in last night's Relief Society Activity/Enrichment Night - The more you align yourself and your life with what God wants of you, the less the thoughts, words, and negativity of others will matter to you.  If I can just stay focused on what God wants of me, helping others, serving in every capacity that I can, then I will endure to the end.  I will survive my trials.  I will be rewarded with great love and peace.  If I follow where my God leads me, I will find the blessings He wants me to receive.  I must stay the course.  I must stay focused.  Oh, please help me to stay focused.  Please help me to be strong.  Please help me to endure without fault and without shame.  Please, allow me to help others in any way I can so that I don't have time to focus on my own life's trials.  I don't want to wallow in self-pity.  I want to serve.  Please, let me serve.  Distract me from what hurts.  I can do it.  I can.  I will.

I Love The Temple

Okay, so you know how I was going to the Temple with the other loss mama from that facebook group, Kim?  Can I just say that the Temple is an amazing place to meet someone?  What an amazing end to the day!  I had an amazing experience myself, and with meeting Kimberly.  She gave me so many insights (and advanced thoughts, I was at the start of some thoughts, but she's been doing this mother-to-passed-babies thing much longer and has had more time to consider the thoughts I'm just starting out with) and comforts to ponder!  I'd tell you more, but I think this experience was more on the sacred side rather than excitingly sharable side so it's going in my written journal instead of my typed and shared journal.  Also, I think I may have just made a life-long friend. 

I love good days!  I hope I can stay on this high for a while! 
I love the Temple and how close you can feel to someone, living or passed.
I love the comforts that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints gives.  The eternal truths the LDS Church teaches gives someone so much comfort, love, and promise. 
I have no idea how people handle grief without these eternal truths.
I am grateful for good friends.

Temple Experience

Today, my friend (Tricia) and I went to the Mt. Timpanogos Utah Temple.  I've been to various Temples quite a bit, but today was different.  Today, I took my own names... names from my own family's history.  And the experience was so completely different!

Since it was just me and Tricia, I had to ask if the mens names could be done by one of the random guys there today.  I was called up to do my stack of womens names but right afterward, a random young man was called up and did the stack of mens names I brought.  I was so happy as each was read and their work was done for them, but nothing prepared me for the overwhelming feelings that came over me as one specific name was done.  My grandfather.  It was so strong that I began to cry.  (side note: I think I'm getting more sensitive in my old age)  As we went to do the next ordinance, we had to ask for a guy to be pulled aside for it to be done so that all of my names could be done today.  As my grandfather's name was read and the work was done, again I was overwhelmed.  This time, I heard a soft, quiet "Thank you, Sweetheart" afterward.  The names continued and all of a sudden, the ordinance worker had to stop.  HE had become overwhelmed feeling the presence of yet another name, my great-grandfather on the other side!  Afterward, the ordinance worker said he's never been so overcome like that before!  And Tricia said that whomever that first name done was gave her a strong feeling, too.  That name Tricia had felt so strongly about had been the same that I had, my grandfather! 

Afterward, we did the next set of ordinances, again having to ask random men in attendance to do the work for my stack of mens names.  Overall, I left the Temple today (mind you, this is the Temple I was married in) feeling so happy, joyful, excited, and fulfilled because I know that I was able to help my ancestors get their Temple ordinance work completed. 

I know that not everyone will understand what in the world I am talking about.  However, for those of you that do, I hope so much that you will have such an experience sometime helping your own ancestors!  This was the most amazingly spiritual experience!  I am still so overcome with joy on their behalf, and such love for these people that have been gone from this earth for so long, most that I have never met! 

Needless to say, I have been given the inspiration I need to continue working on my family history.  I had given it up for quite a while because it was interfering with my sleep (easier to get it done at night when the kids are asleep).  But I think it's time to get back to work!  It was amazing to hear names read and know stories about them and feel so connected to these names and people!

8-11-11 Temple Square

 Being near Salt Lake City, one of the best places to go is Temple Square.  A lot of people think that looking at the pretty castle-like building is all there is to do there.  But there is so much more!  While Thanna's family was visiting, we took a tour of Temple Square.

We started at the Church History Museum!

My favorite part of the Church History Museum was the upstairs.  Downstairs has a lot of displays of events as the Church began.  Upstairs was fun!  I loved the displays of each prophet of our dispensation of time, beginning here with Joseph Smith.  I am so grateful that he was worthy and willing to serve as he restored the fullness of the gospel to the earth!

As I joined the church back in 2003, this was the current prophet, President Gordon B. Hinkley.  I love this man!  He was so tender and sweet as he inspired the members of the Church!

All that stuff isn't much fun for kids, but there was plenty for kids to do, too!  Here, the kids are putting together quilt blocks on a magnetic board.  Sounds simple enough, but they really enjoyed it!  Pictured left to right are Treena, Summer, Alyssa, Jaycee, Mitchell, and Keith.

While the kids were playing with magnetic quilt blocks, here is an actual quilt.  OH MY GOSH!  That is just fascinating!  Each of the strips of cloth that the women are holding has something written on it, too.

Bring up your children in light and truth. 

Another amazing quilt!

Here is Rylee with the temple she built out of the gigantic foam blocks!

Alyssa below is watching Jaycee and Keith (and some random kid) fishing from what I think was Noah's Ark.

Next we went outside for lunch.

Yep, using that ring sling from www.poppysnaps.com yet again!  Brittany, your work is fantastic!  I just love that sling!

Mitchell eating his sandwich.

This is where we ate, right in front of the Nauvoo Bell. 

The Nauvoo Bell originally hung in the Temple that the Church members built in Nauvoo, Illinois in the late 1840's.  The Saints removed the bell in 1846 when they were forced to leave Illinois because of persecution.  Following instructions from Brigham Young, the second company of pioneers carried the bell to the Salt Lake Valley.  During their journey, they rang the bell to signal daybreak and departure and to warn that night sentries were on duty.  The bell is now rung hourly as a symbol of religious freedom and is heard on KSL radio. 

This monument honors the Relief Society, and organization founded on 17 March 1842 for women of the Church.  The bell tower was built with donations from Relief Society members to mark the organizations centennial.

Next: The Conference Center

You can see the traffic lights as we cross the street to the Conference Center.  It's a gorgeous building.  I wish I could have gotten a better picture than just the fountain like this.

Keith, Treena, Rylee, Alyssa, and Koriann... waiting to go inside.

Twice each year, our prophet (now President Thomas S. Monson) addresses us along with other apostles and Church leaaders from the Conference Center.  It seats 21,200 people and is packed FULL every time!  It is also televised for those unable to attend.  This provides seating at General Conference for 158 general authorities and general officers of the church and the 360-voice Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The auditorium is large enough to hold two Boeing 747s side by side. All seats in the audience have an unobstructed view of the pulpit.  It is quite amazing to see... both the auditorium AND the Conference addresses!

This brought me to tears.  I'm not usually such a softie, but I cried when I saw this.  This is our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He loves me.  I love him.  Love doesn't seem strong enough.  The gratitude I feel as I look at this image/statue of him is overwhelming. 

This one is of Joseph Smith and his wife, Emma.  Again, gratitude and love.

On top of the Conference Center, they grow things that naturally inhabit Utah.  This is echinacea, which is an herb that, when ingested, stimulates the body's immune system and wards off infection.  It's a popular herb in our home.

This is the view of the Temple from the top of the Conference Center.

I don't remember if this view of The Capitol Building (toured previously in the week, but only Ben was able to go) was from the top of the Conference Center or the top of the Church Office Building.

This view of the Salt Lake Temple was from the top of the Church Office Building.  It wasn't too exciting, so no pictures of it.  Sorry!  But isn't this a fantastic view?

Mitchell and Keith - exhausted!

This was from the inside of the Joseph Smith Memorial Building.  I didn't get any other good pictures here.  Several of our group watched a movie but I had to leave pretty early on because Kiersten was unhappy.  So we sat out in the lobby of the little theater area for everyone else.  I wish I had seen more of the movie.  It was about Joseph Smith's life and was incredible the last time I had seen it.

 After all this, we went to Cafe Rio for a delicious Pork Salad before heading home with some exhausted kids!  It was a LOT of walking, but it was such a wonderful, spiritual day!  I am so glad I was able to see some things that I hadn't even realized were there!  Aren't these some sweet exhausted kids?!

She Cut Me Off!

Okay, so a while back, I had an experience that originally made me want to start this journal.

I was driving up Redwood through all the crazy construction. The lanes eventually became defined by orange cones. There were three lanes and because I had chosen the far right one before and ended up in the construction workers area, I chose the middle lane this time. WRONG! One car quickly sped by me as I saw cars coming over the hill straight at me. GREAT! So, I tried to edge back into the correct (far right) lane, but I ended up cutting off the lady behind me. I was, for one, very embarassed! And second, I was a little defensive because I thought that the lady behind me should have also noticed the cars coming straight at me and should have let me back in a little easier. But, that was all because I was so embarassed. I couldn't get it off my mind.

Finally, the construction brought traffic to a complete stop. The lady got out of her van. OH CRAP!! I locked my doors and probably turned beet red and a little scared that the lady was about to yell and scream at me. Why would she do that? I was about to die because I chose the wrong lane and had cars coming at me. I was nervous. *tap, tap, tap* on my window. CRAP! I rolled down the window, fear on my face I'm sure, and prepared for the tongue lashing. "I just wanted to appologize. I shouldn't have honked at you like that! I've chosen the wrong lane before too, and I just shouldn't have reacted that way. I'm so sorry." WHAT?! She was a beautiful, thin, blonde woman. Her voice was very sincere. "I've been hoping that we'd stop so I could appologize. I really shouldn't have reacted so badly. I'm really, really sorry." I'm sure my face must have gone completely blank with shock and amazement. Remember in A Christmas Story when Ralphie's mom tells his dad that he had been in a fight but then she still covers for him, and his thought was that he realized he was not about to be destroyed afterall? THAT is what I thought! She was so sweet! And now my mind could be cleared of that terrible embarassment and instead, my mind was filled with love and compassion and thanksgiving as I realized that I was not about to be destroyed.

I LOVE where I live! Eagle Mountain must be the best place to live for us! Random acts of kindness like this happen frequently. One guy saw that our trashcan had blown over in the wind, so he took it out of the street (I was feeding Mitchell as I noticed all this) and put it up by our garage. He didn't just set it up again, he didn't put it in the driveway, he took it all the way up to where most garbage cans are kept by people's garages. Another day, someone noticed a bike helmet in our yard. Assuming it was ours (we had actually put it there because some kid hid it from another kid in our backyard... odd), he put it on our porch where we could find it. HOW SWEET!

Anyway, I'm so glad we were able to buy this home and that we have such amazing neighbors!