Friday, November 2, 2012

Capture Your Grief - Days 24-31

Day 24: Siblings

Day 25: Blessing
     Taylor did not get a blessing as we never were able to see her body, and thus no burial or any formal ceremonies for her.  Seth, on the other hand, we buried.  And although it is not an "official" church blessing, it is still something that is allowed to be done for these babies gone too soon.

Day 26: Their Age

Day 27: Artwork

Day 28: Memory
     A memory, positive or negative, from along this journey...
 One of my most significant memories...

With Taylor, it was realizing that I'd never see her precious body.  Even 9 months later, I still cry that I didn't get to see her.  It hurts so much.  But, when I'm having a good day, I try so hard to look at it as - in her ultrasound, she was in a praying position and perhaps that was/is a "sign" for me.  Perhaps it was important for me to always remember her in such a position.  Perhaps it's meant for me to remember to pray always, and signifies that she is now a heavenly being.  On my bad days, like last night, I cry.

With Seth, it was trying to hold myself together as I heard the news.  I asked if there was a nice, healthy heartbeat.  The ultrasound tech was stunned that I would ask, and even more so as she had to tell me that there was not.  I know she was holding herself together as best she could.  I knew that if I cried, she would too.  And I was surrounded by my kids, so I didn't want to upset them.  However, once I came outside and headed to the van, it just let loose.  I found myself curling into the outside wall, trying to let the kids go ahead of me, trying to re-group, but not doing well with the task.  It's like time just paused, things happened in slow motion, my head was empty almost like an out-of-body experience where I didn't exist in that moment; I was trying so hard to escape it.

Day 29: Music
    Music hasn't really played a role in my losses.

Day 30: Your Grief - Tell The World
"Owl" my children
Day 31: Sunset

1 comment:

Mel said...

Oh Ginger, what a trying journey this has been for you. I think it is beautiful the way you are memorializing it and I pray that it helps you find some healing.