I haven't posted in a while, but I haven't known what to post about. Or maybe I just didn't want to make this post... just in case... or out of fear. I don't know. But it's time, so here goes:
Yes, I'm very happy and excited!
Yes, I'm also terrified out of my mind.
So far, we've accomplished development from
Poppy Seed (4 weeks) - been here 7 times
Sesame Seed (5 weeks)
Lentil (6 weeks) - that's where we are today
and now we're working on
Kidney Bean (8 weeks) - been here 6 times
It's going to be such a long ride. Everything terrifies me. I feel like my abdomen is bloating much faster this time, and I get a little crampy fairly often. Every time I go to the bathroom, I'm afraid of seeing blood because of the cramping. I fear an ectopic pregnancy. I took 6 tests total, taking one every few days to see if the line was getting darker or not (it did). I am nauseated often, but I was with both Taylor & Seth, too. The second trimester (12 weeks) is about when a lot of people wait to make announcements, but that will be the start of some MAJOR fear for me - Taylor died at 13 weeks and Seth died at 16 weeks. Getting past that point won't be a huge comfort because I now know too many people who have lost babies further along than that, some at 40+ weeks! There is no safe point in pregnancy anymore. So I suppose I should just let everyone know so that maybe some extra prayers will help out.
When I told Ben, he didn't say anything for about a day, and then he laid quietly in bed and said "I hope we get to keep this one." Me too, honey. Me too.
And I have NOT told Keith or the other kids yet. PLEASE DO NOT MENTION IT TO THEM!!! Keith is much more sensitive to these things than the other kids. I'm so afraid of having to tell him that we have another angel baby, that another of his siblings has died. It'll take a while to find the right words and the right time to tell him that we're pregnant again in a way that won't frighten him, too. Any suggestions?
Also, My Tangible Peace makes these awesomely accurate gestational pieces. Here is the first trimester (I think this is way cooler than the seeds and beans):
That one on the left, yep - that's where I am right now. 6 weeks. This next picture is weeks 6 through 9. That's mine on the bottom!
Last but not least...
Last time around, we chose Star Trek names so that we didn't say "it" or "the baby" or whatever until we knew a name. We're doing the same this time, too. Instead expecting a Worf or Sito Jaxa, this time we're expecting either a Picard or a Vash! Just as before, these are names we'd never ACTUALLY use (like is possible with a Kirk, William, Riker, Troi, etc...) but lets me start my sci-fi indoctrination at an early age, lets me feel like I am bonding without nagging/forcing Ben into picking a name before he's ready, and c'mon, it's fun! So, Picard/Vash - GROW BABY, GROW!!!