Well, everyone knows how my last week has been, so I would like to share some thoughts and inspirations from my past week, along with some thanks to so many people...
I am so grateful for prayers that have guided me and kept me at task this week. This experience wasn't for me, but for me to share so that others could receive comfort, guidance, and knowledge.
I know that it isn't of me that I have appeared so strong. I know that it was through the prayers of others, and the attendance of the Holy Ghost that I was given the strength and determination to write of my experience. If the Holy Ghost were to entirely withdraw from me right now, I may break down and hide out for weeks. However, there was a mission and a purpose for Taylor's short life, and that's what I've been empowered to help bring about. It was to help others through comfort, guidance, and knowledge. I have been so humbled by the outreach extended to me by so many. I've been humbled by how many women have shared their own experiences with me. I wish that these women would find the courage to share these experiences here where others can draw strength from them, sharing with all instead of just one. These stories have been such a source of help and inspiration for me.
This has also been testimony and faith building for me. This time, my trial showed me immediately that it was going to be helpful to others. I hope that I can always remember this so that with another trial, I will remember to hold judgement and anger until I can see that something good will come of it. Remember how Christ had trial after trial and suffered so greatly? As women, when something as tragic as losing a child happens, the first thing we do is turn inward questioning what we did to deserve such a trial. Christ didn't do anything to "deserve" his trials and sufferings. It is the same with us. We do not "earn" or "deserve" our trials and sufferings. Sometimes they are to help us to grow spiritually somehow. Sometimes they aren't about us, but rather to help someone else. Christ suffered and now knows exactly what each of us feels with each of our own trials. He did it to help us; He atoned for our sins so that we may be forgiven. My suffering wasn't nearly on the same scale, but it helps me to remember that our sufferings can be for the benefit of others. It's not our fault that we are tried in the ways we are. It is merely what must happen so that we can help and empathize as we are called on. I know that so many women have suffered more than me by far. I also know that I could handle it if this happened again. I hate knowing that, in a way. I fear that it will happen again BECAUSE I am able to handle it. However, as much as it sucks, I'd rather go through it again than some other woman who can't handle it as well having to endure such a trial. There are such amazing, strong, caring, loving, endearing, and sensitive women near me that I would rather take on such a trial than any of them having to endure it. Not that they can't handle it, but I wouldn't want them to.
I just hope that I can remember things like "there must needs be opposition in all things" (2 Nephi 2:11) and that you don't "deserve" trials and sufferings. I hope I can remember that having opposition in all things means there is good to come of all trials. I hope I can remember how incredible people have been to me, and I hope I can return the kindness to each and every single person. I pray that I can be aware of the needs of others and help where I am able. I pray that others will be able to feel of the love of their Heavenly Father as much as I have this week. And I hope each of you knows just how important you have been to me this week. Thank you, each of you, for your kind words, shared experiences, and kind thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much. I feel like Taylor's short life will not be in vain because of the wonderful things that have come from the experience of his/her life.
I wrote all of the above on Sunday night. Monday was not nearly as spiritually minded. Instead, I couldn't stop crying. It is the most I've cried so far. I just can't stop thinking about how it's all my fault that my Taylor ended up in the sewers with everything else that has been flushed. That is NOT where my baby deserves to be. Taylor should be in my arms. Even if there was no need for him/her to live this earthly life, there was no need for him/her to end up in the sewer. That was not the choice Ben and I made. Yet that is what happened and it's my fault that it happened that way. I didn't do enough. I could have searched longer and harder. It's my fault. I hope he/she knows that I didn't want him/her there. Oh gosh! And referring to my child as him/her and he/she tears me up, too. I could have known a gender, but because of my own mistakes, I don't know and can't even give my child enough respect to use the proper words. I know people keep saying it wasn't my fault or there was a purpose behind it, but all it feels like is that it's my fault that I couldn't treat Taylor's body appropriately and respectfully. I am to blame.
I know I put on a strong front, but Monday was anything but strong. It hurt for the entire day. Something tells me my Tuesday isn't going to be that much better.
In fact, Tuesday begins with Keith asking me, "Mommy, what's our new baby's name?" Perfect 9am conversation after such a rough day yesterday. I told him, "Sweetie, the new baby died. There isn't a baby in mommy's tummy anymore. The baby's name is Taylor, but [she's] already gone. I'm so sorry sweetie." He was sad, didn't want to believe it, and gave me a hug. Then he repeated what he told me last night, "I hope we have a lot of kids."
Well, I can't say I don't wish for the same. Here's to hoping today is better than yesterday...