Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Calvin's Hats

So, as I've said, I'm "okay" with having miscarried.  I look forward to my opportunity to be a mother after the resurrection.  I hate not having my baby kicking away in my belly right now (I would be 17w2d today), but I know that the promises of the future are so much brighter than I could imagine with Taylor on earth right now (or in a few more months).  The only part I still have trouble with is not having seen that tiny little body.  I still believe Taylor was a girl, so just get used to me referring to Taylor as she/her. 

Having not seen her, I've looked things up trying to imagine how tiny she was.  There are so many amazing organizations out there that help mothers who have lost.  One of those companies is Calvin's Hats.  They make hats for babies born before 28 weeks.  I requested one, just to help me with my own healing at not seeing my baby.  They sent the most tiny little hat. 

I put it in a scrapbook I have going for Taylor's remembrance.  See how tiny it is compared to a standard, hospital-issue pacifier, or compared to the standard size business card?  It's so very tiny. 

The card reads:
Itsy Bitsy Hats
Made For
Teeny Tiny
With a Whole
Bunch of Love

Also, they posted my very short version of my experience with her on their Updates & Angel Stories page:

We miscarried our second pregnancy back in February 2007 at a mere 7 weeks. We had such a hard time getting pregnant again but Mitchell finally joined us in February 2009, and then Kiersten in January 2011. Both took help to achieve pregnancy (clomid for him, herbs for her). So when we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant, it felt almost miraculous. We had a very early ultrasound done at 9w4d and I saw that tiny heart beating so strongly. When I went in for my next scheduled appointment at 13w4d and we could not find a heartbeat, my own heart sank and filled with hurt. Ultrasounds show that my baby's growth stopped at 13w1d though I did not pass the tiny body until 14w1d, on January 23, 2012. We did not have the chance to see my Taylor's body, but I strongly believe it was a girl. My little miracle baby is gone, but my heart still yearns for her.

At any rate, I wanted to share with you both how tiny she was, and also share this company with you that helps spread comfort and love.  How incredible for people to take the time to help others heal their hearts like this.

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