Sunday, August 5, 2012

Day 2 - again

Well, thanks to some absolutely fabulous women in my ward and that I met after Taylor died, I:
  • have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow, and then I can schedule an induction
  • am in contact with a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
  • know to ask for the benevolent specialist
  • know to use words like "stillbirth" instead of "miscarriage," after all, despite her age, I have still carried her for over 19 weeks, perhaps 20 weeks by delivery and I know that a certificate of stillbirth would be better for me than being sent home with no proof of her existence
  • know that I need to find a mortuary/funeral home so that I can
    •  either get an urn or a casket, depending on cremation or burial
    • get an infant burial plot at a cemetery, if we choose to go that route
  •  have some places to contact concerning a headstone, if we go that route 
  •  got to the Jordan River Temple yesterday - even if I didn't get all the answers I wanted, it was a break from crying and that was nice, my eyes are sore and burn, had to switch to glasses it hurt so much
  • know to have MORE memorabilia rather than a bare minimum - I can choose not to look at too many pictures, hide away the foot/hand castings or prints, make a box for everything so I only have to look when I want to, but I can't ever get more done - more people seem to wish they had more photos and memorabilia than fewer/less
There is still a lot to accomplish, like all those big decisions I mentioned (cremation/burial, cemetery, mortuary, urn/casket, headstone, etc...) but I am working on it.  I talked to my insurance company a few times already.  They'll do genetic testing on me, need pre-approval for testing on the placenta, but will not cover ANYTHING for Isabelle.  No autopsy.  No blood work.  No checking for chromosomal abnormalities.  No searching for cause of death.  No searching to see if this would happen a third time if I got pregnant again.  Any testing has to be done on ME only.  I think it's a crap shoot, but what do I know.  Oh, and the reason they don't cover testing on Isabelle...?  She's not registered under our insurance plan.  There would be no family member to charge it to.   Yes, if you're feeling angry right now, you've got just a taste of my feelings.

How am I feeling?  I got most of the really snotty and loud crying out... for now.  I still cry, though not for a solid half hour of tears streaming down my face.  I'm in business mode trying to get all of these arrangements made.  TV isn't very numbing, but being in business mode is.  My head hurts constantly.  Not sure if it's from crying or from holding back tears, or both, or just the headache that it is to arrange for delivery of my already dead baby and then figure out what to do with my child's body.  No parent should have to do this kind of stuff.  I called the hospital that I plan to deliver at, and they were very UNhelpful.  She couldn't tell me if I'd get a certificate of stillbirth or not - if it's based on how many weeks pregnant I am or the gestational age of the baby.  She couldn't tell me what the hospital's photographer offers for parents of a stillborn.  All she could tell me is that, if I wanted to, they would DISPOSE of the body for me.  Yeah, like anyone wants to hear that.  Sounds like (and they probably do) they just throw the baby in the trash.  This is my CHILD.  She should NOT be in the trash.  I WILL do better this time.  Half of what hurt so much with Taylor was how her body was treated.  Since I never saw it and she was flushed down a toilet, I felt very guilty for mistreating her.  I know I didn't do it on purpose.  I hope Taylor knows that, too.  And I am NOT going to allow such a thing for Isabelle.  Her body WILL be respected and treated properly, like a child, not trash.

So, if anyone has any suggestions or stories of what you/others have done considering cremation/burial, cemetery, mortuary, urn/casket, headstone, etc..., please let me know.  A closer cemetery is probably better so I can visit, should I want to.  Or maybe I should go for the same one that other family is in so that she is properly visited on Memorial Day, though it's a good hour or so from here.  Suggestions??


John and Heidi said...

My daughter is in the Herriman Cemetery where we live. My hubby and I have since baught the two plots to her right. We were lucky enough that Herriman does not charge for plots under the age of two. We went through Broomhead Funeral home in Riverton on 12600 South. They are awesome. They do not charge for under the age of two as well. We only paid for casket and headstone. The funeral home was so good to work with on the headstone as well. They do go through Salt Lake Monument. I would check with local cemeteries for plots at no cost and funeral homes near by that do the same if you wanting everything close to home.

I am so sorry for all the heartache you have had with your previous loss. I know Taylor knows you love her and you would give her everything if you could. I am sorry no one seems to have answers on what or how to handle things. That is so so maddening. This why I volunteer. I want to educate others. Let me know what else I can do. If you even want to talk or visit I can come be there. Hugs again

~GINGER~ said...

Heidi, thank you so much for sharing your experience and such kindness. I feel like we have a direction to go in and some feasible possibilities. I'll be calling funeral homes today, hoping they have lists of cemeteries. Turns out not a lot of cemeteries have websites. Writing what's going on is one thing, but vocalizing... it takes a lot out of me to keep the tears back so I can accomplish what needs done.

Kim said...

I know how difficult these days can be. It is the worst possible thing to plan for everything after your baby dies. I was determined like you to make sure everything was done right and I had no regrets. I admire your courage through all of this. We buried our daughters in a cemetery near our house and they have an infant section so we buried them with the other babies. It is nice to have a place to go at times to "visit" them and decorate for them. We got them a nice pink headstone with script writing and a picture of their footprints. I am thinking of you through these days and I hope you are finding comfort from those around you. I hope you get some answers as well.