Today I should be 16 weeks 2 days pregnant with my little Taylor. Instead, 2 weeks ago yesterday, I accidentally flushed my baby into the sewer system. I'm still not doing well with that. I'm okay with his/her passing, but just can't seem to come to terms with the treatment of that tiny body. I don't know if I'll ever get over that. I wake up with horrid headaches that Tylenol barely touches every single day. Not so much from crying because I only seem to cry when I allow myself to visualize what happened with Taylor's body, but instead it's like some kind of hormone headache. Hopefully things will get back to normal inside me soon. In the meantime, ouch!
I found a great group of women on facebook that have helped a lot. It's a group of mothers who have lost their babies. One in particular has been a tremendous help. She actually lives about an hour from me and blogs about her day-to-day experiences as she manages her grief at losing her twin boys, one at 21 weeks and one at (I think) 26 weeks. She delivered them both the same day. It was hard enough to lose my 13 week Taylor who had a fully formed body. I can't even imagine the pain she must be enduring to be twice as far along and lose two babies, her first babies, meaning she didn't even have the smiles of other children at home to force her to go on and work through the pain quickly. Every bit of her healing has been because her own doing, and that of our Heavenly Father. I just want to hug her so badly! As she works through her pain and therapeutically writes it out on a blog the way I do, it brings me so much help and relief and insight. She even said how doing genealogy work is like her and her sons both working toward the same goal, considering the righteous spirits of our passed children are doing missionary work where they are. We are all working together towards one goal, and that brings so much amazing comfort!
Also in our group, we are starting to make quilts to engulf with love other mothers going through similar grief as they lose or have lost a child. They're actually all going to send their 2 identical quilt blocks (as many sets of 2 as they'd like) to me to sew into a quilt top... and then eventually quilt together! I'm working on getting a quilting machine from my great-aunt. Gotta save up quite a bit first. I hope so much that I can get it by summer so I can work on this project. It's such a healing project to do something for someone else. I still feel like Taylor's purpose was to enlighten me as to the needs of these other women so that I could do something to help. I also still feel like Taylor won't be my last loss. I hope I can have a "rainbow baby" next, before any more losses.
Thursday is Keith's birthday. We are letting each of the boys invite two friends as we go to Chuck E. Cheese this year. Mitchell's birthday is just 9 days later, so we're going to do an out-of-the-house celebration for both boys on the same day. Then, on Mitchell's birthday, we're hosting a cousin's dinner - so we can get together with all of the cousins on the Harvey side that we're close to. They love having their cousins over!! So, time to plaster on a happy face, despite anything I may be feeling (mostly numbly sad) and continue on...