Thursday, January 26, 2012
Today we went in to see the midwife again. We couldn't help but hope to see that Taylor was still inside. Our hope was in vain. Of course I was empty inside, in more ways than one. It is all my fault that we didn't get to meet our baby. Despite being on my knees searching through the toilet, I couldn't find my sweet baby. It's my fault, and I can only hope Taylor will forgive me for not giving that body a proper resting place. We know there was no spirit inside the body, but we both feel badly nonetheless. People keep saying I can't blame myself, but I do. Who else would be to blame? I can't help but cry at the thought of where my child is laid to rest... in a sewer, being filtered out in a water plant somewhere before the water is sent to irrigate a farm or something. And that's my fault. I don't think I'll ever be able to beg for forgiveness for that enough to feel okay and at peace about it.
I suppose all I can do now is look forward to resurrection and the chance to meet my Taylor face-to-face where I can beg forgiveness. I hope Taylor will allow me to raise him/her, to be his/her mother. I hate that I still don't know a gender. I want to say the name Taylor as much as I can to avoid the lack of knowing a gender, and to acknowledge him/her as much as possible.
I know mothers will understand more than fathers - I loved my baby. As soon as a woman finds out she's pregnant, she develops a love for her child. She immediately becomes protective of her child and her child's home (her body). Taylor, please know that I loved you. I do love you. And I hope you'll forgive me. I hope I can hold you one day. You're in my thoughts always.
I'm going to choose to believe that my Heavenly Father didn't want me to see Taylor's body for a reason. Perhaps it would have been harder on me than I imagined. Perhaps I needed a lesson in faith. Perhaps it was so that I can better empathize with someone. Perhaps it is for the benefit of someone else, not me. I refuse to let this be something entirely negative. Someone is going to benefit from this in some way, even if I am never aware of it. So if anyone has any questions, no matter how personal the question may seem, please ask. I promise that, no matter how much it may hurt to answer, I will answer honestly and openly and entirely. I also refuse to be angry at anyone else being pregnant or having a baby. My pain isn't going to get in the way of the joy someone else is experiencing. As far as that goes, I WILL be happy for others. So don't shy away from sharing your joyous news with me.
Okay, I guess that's about all I can say. Goodbye Taylor. Though we never met face-to-face, your mommy loves you always.