Remember my post back in August, 2 Week Follow-Up & Testing? In it, I told you about how I was having some blood tests done, then a sonohystogram (SHG), and then if needed, we'd consider genetic testing. Well, it's time to follow up with all that...
As expected, the initial blood work came back clean and clear. No antibodies attacking "pregnancy products." No clotting disorders. So we did the SHG this week. When I realized that both Taylor & Seth had anterior placentas, whereas my other 3 had posterior placentas, I told my midwife about it. She said it sounded like perhaps I had a uterine septum. My family history suggested that I prepare to hear that I had uterine fibroids. I considered hearing that whatever problems were found would be fixable. I considered hearing that any problems would not be fixable. I started working through the emotions so that I wouldn't freak out too badly. I never considered preparing myself for what I heard - nothing.
Yep, my uterus is about as healthy, clean, and clear as they come. No problems at all. No scarring. No fibroids. No septum. No size problems. It's slightly tilted to the front, but that's not an issue. My ovaries are fine. He even showed me the egg I am going to release from my left ovary this month, perfect, happy, and healthy. I halted in disbelief and asked "now what?" He said that women who miscarry have a 70% chance of carrying a healthy, full-term baby next time. Well, my "next time" also ended in a loss. He said (and this is not Dr. Silver, but someone else who will be sending a report to Dr. Silver) that, if it happens again, I should have the "pregnancy products" tested for abnormalities. I wanted to do that, except insurance doesn't cover it and it's expensive. So he went back to how 70% of following pregnancies are just fine. Odds of losing a baby between 13-19 weeks gestation are approx 1% to 5% chance. That 70% is about recurrent miscarriage, as in 4-19 weeks, both first and second trimester. When you've lost two babies in the second trimester in a row, that "only 30% chance of miscarrying again" feels horrible. When you've been in that 30% already, you feel as though your chances of being in that 30% again are much higher. And the thing is, I can't seem to find the odds of loss after two second trimester losses in a row. Has anyone out there in the blog-reader's world had a background like mine and decided to try again? How did it go? I REALLY want to hear responses on this one.
In the mean time, emotionally, I'm not ready for another pregnancy now. I had anticipated answers this week. I anticipated hearing that something was causing my losses and I'd be able to have another baby. I anticipated that I might have to wait so I could fix things, or that I'd be able to have early ultrasounds done to see what my chances in keeping each pregnancy would be. I didn't anticipate being told "well, you just happened to receive two flukes in a row, but try again and you never know what'll happen, hahahahaha!" Yes, I got to my car and cried my eyes out because there was nothing wrong with me. My babies were perfect (as far as ultrasounds could tell) and their home in my body was perfect. There was no obvious reason for either of them to die. But they did. And I have no answers. If you've never been through this, I'm sure you're thinking I'm some kind of nutcase for crying over having no problems. But remember, it also means no answers. Can you tell I'm still working through the emotions of this?
To say "this sucks" is an understatement. I get so angry and sad and confused and afraid that it makes me want to puke. It's like I can feel my emotions working their way up from my tummy to my throat and they stay logged there, haunting me, hurting me. This sucks.