Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Capture Your Grief - Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

Day 3:  After Loss Self Portrait

Just as it was important to document the "before loss" days where the world was still a bright and cheery place, when the world held hope and promise, it's important to document the "after loss" too.  While pregnant with Seth after Taylor died, I was scared, but I still had hope.  I had known he would be a boy since I was pregnant with Taylor.  I could never envision Taylor's birth, and I never got to see her precious little body.  However, even when pregnant with Taylor, I could see my NEXT birth would be a boy.  I got to hold Seth.  Turns out there was a bit of prophesy in my dreams.  I've never received personal revelation in this way, that I'm aware of, so I didn't know that this should be preparing me for anything.  And, although I could envision Seth's birth, it was never with my midwife that I had chosen (she wasn't there for his birth, either, it was some random doctor that I'll never go to ever again).  I didn't know that I would lose Seth, but there were still some indications that were accurate in my dreams.

Taylor died approx 16 January and Seth died approx 13 July, about 6 months apart.  Taylor was born 23 January and Seth was born 07 August.  After losing two babies in the second trimester so close together, the thought of being pregnant again is terrifying.  I mean, I REALLY want more babies.  But I'm so scared of losing another.  I kind of hated my body for a while and stopped eating, for the most part.  Eventually I got hungry again, but I felt guilty every time I put something into my mouth, like I was rewarding my body despite its failure to keep either of my babies happy and healthy and alive.  But hunger won out.  I noticed the weight loss and decided I should roll with it while I had the chance.  I had the will power to say no to things, so I started choosing more healthy options and exerted that will power to say no to the not-so-healthy things.  Of all the things that I have no control over, I DO have control over my actions.  I figure, it's time to take responsibility for my actions and make better choices for my body so that maybe next time it won't fail me.  Maybe if I care for my body, it will care for my babies.  So I started with a cleanse, and then I started something called The PINK Method.  I've been working HARD!!  And here is me now (22.4 lbs lighter than when I found out I had lost Seth, too):

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