Thursday, October 4, 2012

Capture Your Grief - Day 4: Most Treasured Item

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

With Taylor, I never saw her.  I don't have foot prints.  I don't have pictures.  I don't have blankets that touched her.  I have nothing from her brief little life.  The placenta from her pregnancy is still in my freezer (go ahead and freak out, but it's not like it's touching anything - I have pictures of the placenta, but I doubt anyone will want to see that here), and during the actual miscarriage, I stained Kiersten's bed sheet with blood from the loss.  When I go in her room, when I see that blood stain on her bed, that's the closest I come to something that is from her life.  I purposefully did not treat the stain because I couldn't bare to wash away the last of her life.  Call me crazy, but that's how it is.  It is the ONLY thing I have to grasp onto.

With Seth, I held him for a couple hours, NILMDTS took pictures for me, and I have mementos from his birth that don't include a stain on a sheet.  One of the blankets that he was photographed on seems to mean more to me than the other.  There's one that he didn't touch, but somehow I saw it and my emotions grasped it.  And there's the bow he "held" in pictures with a charm that matched the one on the bracelet NILMDTS made for us as a set.  I hold these things when I need to feel closest to him.  I hold them and allow my tears to flow.  They are all I have left of my baby boy.

I am making shelves into little sanctuaries or memorials for my angel babies.  The shelves hold all the memorabilia and items that remind me of my babies.

These are the bears that MOLLY BEARS made for me.  I told them merely that light blue reminded me of Seth and that with Taylor, I liked red due to how androgynous it is and purple because it just feels right as I think Taylor would have shown to be a girl, had we seen her.  They came up with a way to make my bears beautiful using that tiny bit of inspiration.  I love the angel wings on the back.  I love my bears, weighted to their sizes, 2oz for Taylor and 3oz for Seth (if we had discovered he had died earlier, he would have been closer to 9oz, but when I held him, he was 3oz). 

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