Home Water Birth of a Rainbow

Well, it finally happened! I have a baby in my home and in my arms again!

My estimated due date (EDD) was 11/11, and for a while, I was really worried about my baby being born too early. But the 11th came and passed and I stayed pregnant. I went in for a prenatal on Tuesday, 11/19 at 8 days past EDD. My sweet midwife did a quick Non-Stress Test (NST) to make sure all was well inside, and then gave me some "rocket juice" (her own herbal tincture concoction along with some orange juice to mask the flavor). I left her office around 12:30 and then met up with some family for lunch. I picked up my oldest kiddo from school around 3pm and then went home.

The "rocket juice" was supposed to increase the cramping sensation because the goal was to help me with effacement moreso than dilation (I was 4cm and 50% at this point). I could definitely feel the increase in cramping and began to notice that it came in waves, like contractions. So I began taking note of the time between waves. 5 minutes. Hmmm...

After an hour or so, once my husband was home, I let my midwife and doula know that things seemed to be coming together and that I felt like it was the day to bake a birthday cake. No rush yet though. I began timing the duration of the contractions in addition to the time between contractions. As things started seeming more and more coordinated, my husband got nervous and said it might be time to start inviting over our birth team. While I got everyone informed and ate some dinner, he blew up the birthing tub.

First to arrive was my doula, Denise, around 8pm. My midwife, Rebecca, arrived around 8:30-9pm. It was a slow start so I didn't ask my photographer, Kendra, to come over until 10:45-11pm.

We began filling the tub around the time Kendra came over. I didn't want to allow myself too much comfort for fear of slowing things down, but I guess my face was tipping people off that I was needing a little relief and they insisted I get in. The warm water was wonderful! We noticed the time and realized that if things hurried up, I could have a baby on an all prime number date... 11-19-13! unfortunately, with 9 minutes to go, I realized that wasn't going to happen, but also noted that my kids do things in multiples of 3 (#1 was 3 days past EDD, #2 was 6 days past EDD, #3 was 3 days before EDD) and an 11/20 birthday would put her at 9 days past EDD. Yes, I'm a dork and like numbers that much.

Rebecca checking the baby's heart rate while in the tub.

 Anyway, as contractions started really picking up, I guess my face was showing it because they started trying to distract me. Eventually, I had to make a decision - don't push and keep feeling the intense pain in my lower abdomen and thighs, or push knowing it'll hurt more but then will be over. I pushed and felt the water break as her head was birthed into the tub of warm water. I reached down and felt her hair. Once Rebecca checked to make sure the cord was not around her neck, I pushed a second time and out she came. Rebecca pushed her forward while I sat back so that I could lift her out of the water.

November 20, 2013
12:56am

She was beautiful! The first thing I noticed was her adorably dimpled chin. Then her tiny ears. Her long finger and toe nails. Her button nose (just like Mitchell and Kiersten). Her full lips that she definitely got from her daddy and not me!  I held her, stared and studied her.  Ben sat behind me (not in the tub though) and stared and studied her.  We kept her mostly in the water to keep her warm, eventually wrapping a towel around her to keep the warm water on her.  It seemed like time almost paused so that Ben and I could take in the experience and focus on the fact that we finally had our little girl here where we could see her and cuddle her.  No one interrupted us, they just allowed us to "be."

Then OUCH! What the? "Ooooh, time for the placenta." How did I not remember birthing the placenta at ANY of my births? OUCH!  After waiting for the cord to stop pulsing, Ben cut the cord, and they took my baby girl just long enough for me to birth the placenta (1:20am, so it pulsed for a good 24 minutes where we stayed connected), and then they gave her back. I liked that. Once that was over, it was time to get out. I showered up and got into my bed and got back to snuggling my newest sweetheart.

While her weight (8.0 lbs) and length (21") and other measurements (head/chest 13.25-13.5") were taken and the newborn exam was completed, we talked about names. We had our name list narrowed down to 40 this time (which is good for us, there were 117 names on the list when Mitchell was born). Ainara was a birth team favorite, as it means illuminating, shining, which kind of fits her. Eve means life, which is significant after two losses. Despite meaning "beautiful lion," Arabella was taken off the list. It is also a fitting meaning as she's such a beautiful little girl, and also was a bit feisty while still in the womb. Names were tossed back and forth but we eventually narrowed it down to 5 - Ainara, Miranda, Jeslyn, Sasha, and Emmalyn.

Around 4am, Kiersten woke up. Ben let her meet her new sister, which was an adorable encounter. Finally, though, it was bedtime. Ben and I were both absolutely exhausted after being up for 23 hours or so.

Camera picture of Daddy with his two girls!

All that day, we tried the names on our new addition. I loved Ainara, but alas, it isn't HER name. We both loved Jeslyn, but it wasn't HER name. The boys, asked independently, both said Emmalyn. In fact, when Mitchell went to preschool, his teacher told him that his new baby sister looked like him, to which he replied that, "no, she looks like Emmalyn." The next day, we asked again and they still both said her name was Emmalyn. So there it was. That was HER name.

Before I miss writing it, I want to document it for next time around... after 3 days I was still having contractions in my lower abs and thighs. And it hurt. It hurt like early labor, but it hurt.  How ridiculous! How do I not remember this happening with the others?

Overall, this was such a perfect birth!  We hung out, carried on random conversations, kind of had a "girl night in" feeling to the whole night, and just happened to have a baby in there somewhere!  I loved being in the water.  I loved being the one to bring my baby up out of the water.  I loved letting birth just happen.  I loved sitting in the tub with Emmalyn while waiting for the placenta to detach.  I loved letting the cord pulse until it was done.  I love that her newborn exam wasn't until after I was showered and in my own bed and when I was ready to let someone else hold her while I watched what was going on.  I love that she was in my sight the whole time.  I love that I didn't have to labor in a car!  I loved just everything about this birth!  I absolutely ADORE my birth team!  These ladies were so wonderful to have around me as I labored, keeping my spirits high the whole time, empowering me as my body worked toward its goal.  If the time should arise again, I would choose these 3 to be there, hands down!  And Ben!!  He stays so calm, never freaks out.  Yes, this was my ideal birth.  I got a great birth experience and a great little girl, all in the same night!  Perfect ending to a perfect day!

Erythema Toxicum - no worries, she's not cold, just a normal newborn "rash" kind of thing.

One day old tiny princess!  Our rainbow baby!

Christmas Jammies embody Faith vs Fear

Today, my oldest and I went to the store and picked out a Christmas onesie and jammies for our little "Vash" (no, still no name - we'll see her before naming her, it's HER name rather than ours, after all).  This sounds like no big deal, but it is to me. 

Let me explain.

Over the course of the last year, I've made lots of friends who are photographers for NILMDTS (the organization that does bereavement portraits).  I've made lots of friends who are loss-moms like me.  I'm too familiar with the stories - stories like mine of losing babies before 20 weeks, of those who lose babies in the second trimester... and also of those who lose their babies at 32 weeks, 39 weeks, 41 weeks, during labor, just after delivery, and every other possible scenario. 

I know a lot of people think that, now that I'm past when both my babies had died, I should feel like I'm safe and on the home stretch and just a bundle of joy!  But that's just not how it is.  My eyes have been opened and I am no longer in that joyfully innocent group of women who will ever feel "safe" at ANY point in pregnancy ever again.  In fact, the closer I get to my due date, the more I have to remember "fear is the opposite of faith, must have faith, do not entertain fear as it is an insult to faith."  If I have a mantra, that's it.  "Do Not Entertain Fear, It Is An Insult To Faith."  So while I try to push away the fear DAILY, I'm also not blind, innocent, or naive.  The closer I get to my due date, the more I feel like I've been SO lucky so far, and that my luck could still run out at any moment.  It gets hard to breathe.  Tears stay so close to the surface that I feel like I just want to hide in my room and cry nearly every day.  My heart literally hurts, sometimes to where I wonder if I'm going to have a heart attack!  But, I push it away.  I put on a happy face.  I rub my belly and tell her how much I love her and am so excited to meet her next month (I dare not wish her to come before SHE is COMPLETELY ready, it's just as scary to me as anything else).  I beg her to stay with me. 

Back to the jammies.  Why is it such a big deal?

Because I'm preparing for a baby that could still be taken away at any moment.  I've heard too many stories of having to pack up nurseries or box up clothes that were all washed and ready to go.  Buying these jammies is a HUGE leap of faith that I won't have to gift them to someone else or box them up for another pregnancy/baby.  It's a step where I'm forever trying to quash the fear and hold tight to that faith that I'm really going to get to hold (and keep) my little "Vash." 

Laugh if you must, but laying those items on the counter, swiping my debit card, bringing them into the house, and next will be hanging them up...  every step of it has made me want to cry.  But I'm refusing to allow myself to do so.  Because "fear is an insult to faith."  I've bought a few things along the way, even dug out old things from my other kiddos, but none has been with such intent - gifting these jammies to her on Christmas Eve...  it makes the assumption that she'll be there for Christmas.  Buying a girl outfit because we were told we're having a girl... it assumes we're having a girl.  Buying a gift for her assumes she'll get to open it.  That's much more realistic (as opposed to fantasy/dreams) than anything else I've done so far. 

So...  less than 4 weeks until my due date.  If you're a praying person, pray for me to be able to overcome fear and increase my faith.  Pray that this little girl will grow healthy and strong and happy.

Capture Your Grief: Days 9-15 in 2013

9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?


  
Music just hasn't played a role in my grief.  Odd since music used to sing my life, but it hasn't with this.

10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not.



I think this is summed up well in the image I've shared several times of Taylor and the quote on the graphic...:

I believe whole heartedly that I will get to raise my children in the Millennium, doing what brings me both the most frustration as well as the most joy - being a mother.  This is an incredible opportunity to me and I look forward to it more than perhaps anything else. 


11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?


Birthdays, due dates, Christmas...
Taylor was due on her aunt's birthday but was born on her grandmother's birthday.
Seth was due just days after Christmas but was born on his uncle's birthday.

When we go to take family pictures and they aren't there, when we have to substitute our Molly Bears in place of our angel children, I remember them and it's a big trigger for me.

With another annual family picture coming up soon, I'm planning to crochet outfits for our bears again so our angels can be properly represented in our family picture.  This is a trigger for me.



12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.


If I think of anything in particular, I'll come back and edit this.  For now, all that is on my mind is that same quote by Joseph Smith that I posted above on day 10.  

13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.



I read two books about grief.  However, I should probably re-read them as it was while I was still fairly deep in my own grief and I really don't remember much.  Again, I may update this later.

14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.

This is my family now - my 3 living children, clinging to their angel siblings represented by bears, huddled around a gravestone to celebrate a birthday that didn't come with chubby cheeks and discussion about walking and talking and all the milestones met over the past year.  We'll be adding another baby to our family, hopefully next month, and hopefully without the need to get another bear.  My husband and I love all 6 of our children and are so very excited to see the beautiful, happy face of our newest addition soon.  I haven't had to consider talking to this new baby about her angel siblings because they're always remembered in our home.



15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.

Today, I want to remember the angels that I've come to hold close to my heart, as well as my own.  And so I speak their names (in no particular order):

Grant Abernathy
Miracle Abernathy
Lily Robbins
ElizabethVawdrey
Cordelia Casper
Luke Wood
Ayla Schneider
Autumn Phillips
Melena Harvey
Addison Johnson
Bryce Carter
Isaac Palmer
Porter Palmer
Jerom Shaver
Jocelyn Files
Liam Allred
Malachi Allred
Allison Mattes
Breckin Law
Brighton Law
Avery Friend
Caden Tozier
Clark Deneca
Little Fella Allen
Hope Lewis
Jude Hastings
Willow Hastings
Oliva Kunz
Skylar Fitzgerald
Harlee Fitzgerald
Matthew Fitzgerald
Vincent Valenzuela

And also Taylor Harvey & Seth Harvey.  So many angels.  So many grieving hearts yearning to hold their babies.  Many hugs and much love to the families of each of these babies who never came home from the hospital, who were born too soon, who were gone before they were even born.  So much love to each of you. There are so many more to add to this list, unnamed babies, babies not talked about, (and a few that I missed just because the list is so long) and this is just within my circle of extended friends.  Forgive me if I missed your angel.  PLEASE, write out your angel's name in the comments here.  I want to remember your angels.  All of them. 

Love to you all....

Capture Your Grief: Day 8 in 2013

Day 8. Colour: What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?

Seth's is light blue due to the abundance of light blue in all of his NILMDTS photos, mostly his hat.  And with Taylor, I'm not really sure why, but purple (not lilac) and red (not pink). 

Capture Your Grief: Day 7 of 2013

Day 7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?

THIS is where I am in my grief right now.  This was last week, but still.  Today I am 35 weeks pregnant with the baby we lovingly call "Vash" (last paragraph) until we see her and can decide what her name really is.  Every day, I have to choose faith over fear.  Every day, when I start feeling her kick, I am so very reassured.  If I don't feel her, I have to think through and remind myself that she'll kick later, that she's fine, that she moved around yesterday, that she's probably just sleeping, etc.  It takes a while sometimes, but I try hard to keep my emotions in check.

As I approach my due date in a mere 5 weeks, I am feeling... well, I'm feeling.  Like I said, I have to talk myself out of fear.  I fear her dying still.  I fear a cord accident.  I fear a placenta issue.  I fear something happening during birth.  But, most days I'm able to push it all aside.  I'd say that's coming pretty far.

So, that's where I stand.  Constantly having to choose faith over fear, battling fear daily.  But my heart is lighter than it was.  I don't do that gasping-for-air crying anymore.  I get teary-eyed sometimes, but as far as my angels are concerned, I am at peace.  I have my purpose because of them.  I miss them, but my religion assures me that I'll see them again.  I know I won't see them in this life, but I'll see them again.  I miss them.  I love them.  But I'm okay.  I remember them every single day.  But I'm okay.  I am okay. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 6 of 2013

Day 6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?

Nope.  No rituals.  No daily affirmations.  No prayers that are specific to my losses.  I only light candles on rare occasions like birthdays and Oct. 15th.  No mantras.

On birthdays, we do cupcakes and flowers.  Now that the gravestone is set, we visit the grave for birthdays, too.  Since Taylor didn't get her own, her name is on Seth's gravestone, too.

The above 3 were Taylor's first birthday.  Chocolate cupcakes because every girl needs chocolate, and roses because she's a beautiful princess!

The below 3 were Seth's first birthday.  They actually had dragonfly cupcakes!!  And he got flowers, too because I had been eying those flowers for him for months because they reminded me of him.

Capture Your Grief: Day 5 of 2013

Day 5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?

Two big memories of Taylor - first, sitting in a parking lot getting a text from my very dear friend, Ashley, who gave me the quote on this red image above.  This quote helped me SO much through both of my losses.  She said she felt like it was what she was supposed to say, though she had no idea what to say herself.  She was inspired to share this with me, because my Heavenly Father loves me and knew it was exactly what I needed.

Next was her birth and how absolutely horrified I was when I realized that my baby's body was flushed down a toilet.  I'm still ready to cry my eyes out just thinking of it - both because of how it makes me feel now as well as because of remembering my feelings then.  The pain of not seeing her is nearly more than I can handle.  I try hard to push those feelings aside and focus on that quote above. 

With Seth, obviously a huge memory was finding out he was a boy instead of a girl like the ultrasound tech said!  I studied him for a long time.  His muscular legs.  His open eyes.  His adorable nose.  His shoulders.  His knees.  His bone structure.  His facial expression.  Isn't he just beautiful?  He died at 16 weeks gestation.  That's still a legal age for abortion.  Can you even imagine that some people kill a baby that is this perfectly formed?  Look at him.  No, really look at him.  That little body may only be 6" long, but how incredible! 

Of course it makes sense that this would be such a tremendous memory for me, considering what I just told you about Taylor.  I didn't get to see her body, so his meant the world to me. 

Capture Your Grief: Day 4 of 2013

Day 4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

As I explained on Day 2, I believe my losses lead me to a purpose - making angel clothing to help others feel a little comfort and love, and a little less alone during their loss.

These were all from August.  Hopefully I'll have my September stuff photographed soon to post.  I had to get a little help with some necklines on some of the new Taylor gowns because I was doing them awkwardly. 

Anyway, with every outfit I make, my angels' legacy is embodied.  This is what I was lead to do (who picks up crocheting as quickly as I did unless it was something they were called to do, like I believe I have been?).  Their lives had purpose, and this is it... to bring about love and compassion toward other angel parents.

Capture Your Grief: Day 3 of 2013

Day 3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.

I think I covered this last year in this post:  What (not) to say

However, to kinda answer things a little differently this year, I'd say here is a myth that bother me...

#1 - Time heals all.  This too shall pass.  You're still grieving, it's been so long.
As I've said before, people continue to grieve their lost sibling or parent or grandparent or friend years after they've passed.  Why would you expect any less when someone has lost a child?  As soon as you're pregnant, you start making plans - holiday plans (Seth was due Dec 28 so I began planning Christmas at home rather than with family), home plans (if Seth were born alive, we would have needed to consider building in the basement because we just wouldn't be able to fit 3 boys in one bedroom), budgeting (even with insurance, delivering a baby costs money, as do clothes and diapers, etc), and so much more!  When you lose that baby before he or she is even born, all those plans and dreams change.  You've lost a child AND the future you had envisioned.  And it hurts.  Every holiday, you think about how you could have or should have had another baby crawling around, starting school, or whatever is relevant.  Time helps, but it doesn't completely heal and the death of a child never passes.  Ever.

Sometimes I think I must SEEM like I'm "over it" because I don't cry so much.  Other times I think I must SEEM like I'll never be "over it" because I still do all my angel work and am constantly reaching out to people, trying so hard to help... which makes me think people must think I SEEM like I'm "over it" since I'm to a place where I can do that kind of stuff.

I just want to say that I think of both Taylor and Seth daily.  I think of them as often as I think of my three living children.  They're always in the back of my mind.  Other people thinking or speaking of them makes me happy.  I don't like thinking that they've been forgotten.  They'll always be mine and I'll always remember them.  Always.

Capture Your Grief: Day 2 of 2013

Day 2. Identity:
What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

TAYLOR

We chose this name because she died at 13w1d and was born at 14w1d - we never got to see her tiny body and it was too soon for ultrasound to show a gender.  We HIGHLY believe Taylor was a girl, but just in case, we didn't want to offend our little one, so we chose an androgynous name.  I went through the book "The Baby Name Wizard" and found a list of androgynous names.  I highlighted the ones that I liked best (Aubrey, Billie, Drew, Jody, Joey, Micah, Quinn, Reese, Robin, Taylor) and let Ben choose from that list.  He chose Taylor, which I was pleased with.  To read about her birth details, go HERE. 

Since then, I've found that her purpose was to introduce me to the community of loss mothers.  Being in the loss community already helped me with what was coming next.

SETH MICAH

As described HERE, we found out that we lost this sweet baby when I went in for my gender-reveal ultrasound at 19 weeks.  They were so positive that we were having a girl that the tech colored the gender-shot screen pink.  We chose the name Isabelle with no middle name, just as our little Taylor girl has no middle name.  Then I delivered my baby and found out that he was ALL BOY!  I pulled out my phone to look up my name list I had sent to my sister and read off all the boy names.  Ben said Seth was the only one that really stood out to him.  From there, we decided it sounded short and he needed a middle name, so I chose Micah to go with it (another name from our list). 

Seth means "Annointed."  Micah means "Who Is Like God?" (never understood why this is followed by a question mark).  However, both names are scriptural, biblical.  Seth was the perfect son of Adam (See D&C 107:43 or look up Seth in the Bible Dictionary) and Micah was a prophet (see HERE for more about Micah).  In our religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe that children are without sin, they are not accountable for their actions until they reach the age of accountability (age 8, unless other mental handicaps are present).  This means that our tiny son died while still perfect in the sight of our Heavenly Father.  Although he lived in my womb, he was never subjected to the sins of this world, he never sinned, he was in fact quite perfect.  So the name Seth has ended up being quite perfect for our little boy. 

For his birth details, read HERE. 
As for his features - he was a mere 6" long and 3oz.  He was slender yet very muscular as he wasn't old enough to have gained any real baby fat yet.  His eyes were open (which they say doesn't happen for another few weeks after he had died).  He had some swelling on the back of his head from being gone for so long before his birth (remember, he died at 16weeks and was born at 19w4d) but his hat covered it so we could enjoy everything else without being afraid.  He had a cute little nose and chin.  To me, he was absolutely beautiful.  

Now, like I was saying, Taylor's loss had me enter the community of loss mothers.  That enabled me to know about NILMDTS and get the pictures of Seth that I treasure more than I can describe.  While we anticipated Isabelle's arrival, I had picked out some outfits hoping one would fit our little girl, and it gave me comfort to know she'd be dressed like any other baby.  Then, we had a boy.  I was sad that the clothes were no longer appropriate for our baby.  All the pictures of him are of a little naked baby, sometimes wrapped in a blanket.  Since then, I've learned to crochet to make angel clothing and sewn more angel clothing and all of it has been donated out to photographers and hospitals, hoping others will be able to dress their babies.  Of course I have a special place in my heart for the tiniest outfits, the ones that would have fit my little Seth.  Those are my favorites to make because they mean so much more to me.  

I lost my babies because there is a need in this world, a need to comfort grieving parents, to extend a hand of love to show grieving parents that they're not alone.  Making angel clothing is how I go about accomplishing the task I have been called to do.  I will likely always do it.  I hated that my baby was naked and cold.  We were so sure we were having a girl, though.  Who would have thought to bring boy clothes "just in case?"  I don't blame anyone.  It just makes me sad.  After everyone had left, before I gave Seth to the nurses so the funeral home could take him away, I had the nurses bring me a full-term baby hat to wrap him in, to keep his toes warm, to act like a sleeping bag because I hated him being so cold.  Yes, I know he couldn't feel the cold, but it made me feel better to have him warmly wrapped.  Hopefully, my efforts will help so that other parents don't have to use full-term items to wrap their tiny ones in.

So that's how I perceive their identities.  They introduced me to the loss community and to the needs of those who have lost.  The work I do is in remembrance of my sweet angels, and hopefully it brings comfort, even the tiniest bit, to other grieving parents.

Capture Your Grief: Day 1 of 2013

Day 1: Sunrise, the beginning of the photo journaling event capturing the grief in my world of pregnancy and infant loss.  Remember, in October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child,there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.”

I snapped a few pictures "at" sunrise, but with the mountains in our backyard, it's hard to get much.  So this is about 45 minutes after sunrise as the sun peaks over the mountaintops.  I had to get it as I drove my oldest sweetheart to school, hence the mirror.  But, being on the road seemed appropriate since I've been traveling this road for a while now. 


For 2012's image

Upcoming CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF

It's about that time of year...  CarlyMarie's Project Heal "Capture Your Grief" is coming up again throughout October.  Last year's photo journaling experience was amazing and I really enjoyed it every day.  I don't know if I'll do EVERY day again this year, but there are many days that I'm looking forward to.

If anyone wants to join in, here is the link and what CarlyMarie wrote out about each day to guide you through it. 

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html

1. Sunrise: Just like last year, I thought it would be very meaningful for us all to capture the beginning of this journey and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning.
2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?
3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.
4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.
5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?
6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?
7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?
8. Colour: What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?
9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?
10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not.
11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?
12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.
13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.
14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.
15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.
16. Seasons: Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Etc. Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?
17. Time: How long has it been since your baby died.
18. Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?
19. Support: Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?
20. Hope: Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future.
21. Honour: Is there anything that you have done to honour your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.
22. Words: Share your favourite quote, poem, song lyrics, scripture that you have found.
23. Tattoos/Jewellery: Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby? Or maybe a tattoo. Please feel welcome to share links too.
24. Artwork: Have you created a piece of artwork in the wake of your baby’s death? Or maybe someone has given you some artwork to honour your baby? Please feel welcome to share links to your own website or to other artists.
25. #SayItOutLoud: Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag. STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?
26. Community: What does this community mean to you?
27. Signs: If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?
28. Special Place: This could be your baby’s place of rest. If they do not have a grave, maybe you have a special place that you associate with your baby. A place you go to, to remember them. Where is it? Why did you choose that particular place?
29. Healing: What has had the most healing impact on your life through this journey of grief?
30. Growth: Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?
31. Sunset: To close this project and this month of BabyLoss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

I AM THE COOLEST MOM EVER!

See what I did today?  Well, in the last HOUR!!

I am going to Comic Con tomorrow and taking some kiddos with me.  Keith was Obe-Wan for Halloween one year, and then Darth Maul another year.  Plus I just bought a Worf costume for him, too... just in case I could talk him into it (take off the sash and it is a Star Trek TNG engineering/science officer uniform... no Klingon makeup required).  So the boys have those costumes to choose from if they'd like to dress up tomorrow.  But little K2 had nothing to wear that showed our family's geek side.  Of course that didn't stop ME though!

While at Wal-Mart, I saw the Men sized geek shirts.  There was Sheldon saying Bazinga! or Green Lantern or Batman (which of course my little Superhero wanted desperately).  I love blue so I was drawn to the Superman shirt.  I bought it for a mere $7.50 in a Men's Small.  Then I came home and got to work.

I found THIS BLOG about how to make an old shirt into a toddler dress, looked it over, and realized that I could do this REALLY easily!

I found a dress of K2's that I really liked, though it's getting a little small.  But I liked the lines of it.

Next, I folded both the shirt and the dress in half.  I lined things up so that the front collar of the blue shirt could be used on the dress, and made sure I got ALL of the Superman emblem.

Then, I got out a dry erase marker and a ruler, then started drawing my cut lines on the blue shirt.  There needs to be enough space for a 1/4" seam PLUS, since the dress I'm patterning it from is a little snug, I gave it some extra space, too.  And I wanted it a little longer, so I did that, too.

I cut it out and began sewing.  Oddly enough, once I opened up the shirt, it sewed together nearly the same as the Taylor Gown that we just posted about!

I cut off some of the back collar from the blue shirt's scraps and sewed it onto the shirt.  I could have just left it on to begin with, but this was my first attempt at making an adult shirt into a kid dress.

Next, with right sides together (shirt inside out), I sewed the shoulder hem, followed by the sleeve hem (easier to do when you can still lay it flat).

Then, still inside out, I sewed the side seam.  Then I hemmed the bottom.

Turn it back right side out and this is what I had:

The fabric makes it look kind of like a night gown, but once I get some red tights under it and fix her hair so it isn't "I just woke up" hair, it's going to be PERFECT!!

So, yes, I am the coolest mom EVER!  I just made a dress for my toddler out of a men's shirt so that she could go to Comic Con with me!!