1. How are you doing?
I'm okay with Taylor's passing. I'm still working through how Taylor's body entered this world, and its resting place. I don't know if I'll ever be okay with that part, but as long as I don't allow myself to visualize it, I don't cry. I talk as though Taylor can hear me sometimes, still wishing to know a gender and promising that I'll be a good mom when I get the opportunity to raise my sweet baby in the Millennium. Call me crazy, but that's what I do.
2. Well, at least...
Well, at least NOTHING. Any time you are trying to comfort someone in grief and mourning over the passing of a child, do NOT say ANYTHING that starts with "Well, at least..." because it doesn't do anything but cause anger. This includes "Well, at least you can try again." or "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant." or "Well, at least the spirit was out of the body before it was flushed." or "Well, at least you've already got a kid/children." or "Well, at least you were only 13 weeks. " or "Well, at least you didn't have to see the body." or "Well, at least you didn't have to hold your dead baby's body." or "Well, at least you already have one of each gender." Are you understanding? Do NOT say these things.
3. When are you going to try again?
I would like to be pregnant again right away. My body feels empty and I don't like it. I wanted another baby in my home, and that hasn't changed. I was just blessed with a few short weeks of a spirit that is now waiting for me elsewhere, allowing me the chance to be a mother again after this life. I still want another baby in my home. I don't want a replacement baby, I want ANOTHER baby. Not sure how Ben feels about this, but that's how I feel. Some women wait longer, but that's not me.
4. Would you wait longer to announce a pregnancy next time?
Nope. Not at all. I can't imagine having to endure any/all of this without the amazing comfort, prayers, love, and support of those around me. When it happens again, I'll probably announce right away again. I don't know how people handle this without so much support and kindness. Thanks again, to everyone who has prayed or said kind words or given hugs. Thank you.
5. Is there anything I can do for you?
- Prayers are amazingly helpful.
- Someone brought our family dinner the night I found out my pregnancy was over, and that was incredible.
- Spiritual quotes giving promise and comfort for the future are amazingly helpful.
- Some have shared their experiences and even memorabilia (baby books, journal entries, photos, etc) with me, and my heart just goes out to each of those women. The stories shared have helped me to remember that I'm not alone in this, life goes on around us, and healing does happen even if we never forget.
Well, that one is weird. In the last 22 days since my Taylor's body came into and left this world, I've experienced some really odd things.
- Sometimes I feel these... phantom kicks. It feels just like a baby kicking, not so much like gas though I'm sure it is. At 17 weeks, I should be starting to feel some kicking now. :(
- Also, a few days after Taylor's delivery, it felt like milk was trying to come in. I'm still nursing Kiersten just a little bit, but it was unmistakably milk filling my breasts. Granted, milk tends to come in 3 days after giving birth, but it's not so great of a feeling when you're not able to feed a healthy newborn with it. I'm glad I am still nursing Kiersten because that sure helped during this stage.
- Next, nearly every mole on my body became inflamed and itchy. I even went to a doctor because it was so odd. They did a punch biopsy on one of the moles on my arm, just to check to be sure it's not something more serious, you know, like skin cancer. This started 8 days after Taylor's delivery. The inflammation has gone down on MOST of them, but the ones that are still inflamed still also itch. I did get two nice blue stitches out of it, though! My first stitches! - Oh, and the doctor's office called back to say that the biopsied mole only showed inflammation, nothing else.
- Bleeding slowed after a couple weeks, but continued to just trickle until 21 days. 22 days and today is my first day "clean" again. The bleeding hurt in that, postpartum bleeding is usually accompanied by a baby in your arms. It's also a reminder that my body was not yet ready to hold another baby. I really want another. Now. I need that love to grow inside of me again.
- Headaches, lots and lots of headaches that Tylenol just doesn't touch.
- Lauren Green's Blog (read her story on the left - although reading about her new baby girl named Taylor really kinda sucks, I just FEEL like my Taylor was a girl... and that our next baby will be a boy, but we'll see about that later)
- Jacob & Kimberly Palmer's Blog (this is my facebook loss-group-mama friend)
- My New Norm - Learning How to Survive (another facebook loss-group-mama)
- Small Bird Studios - - - When You Lose a Baby (the 1st link is their story, the 2nd is helpful)
- Jonathan's Journey - This is full of uplifting quotes after her loss.
- A Day in the Life of a Toddler - This link is about the loss of her twin daughters
8. Were you angry with God?
Nope. Not at all. My Heavenly Father blessed me with a wonderful little righteous spirit that I get to raise in a world without temptation during the Millennium, a spirit that I got to carry even if for a short time as she grew a body. He provided me with support in so many ways. He gave me connections to my baby that mean the world to me. How can I be angry at the love He has shown me through all of this? I have been blessed, despite the pain and sadness of losing a baby.
If anyone has other questions, please feel free to ask. I want to help others, and that comes more easily when you know what questions to address. Also, please post responses, feelings, and your own experiences on here for others to take comfort in... if you're comfortable sharing.
Again, thanks to everyone who has been so supportive and comforting to me. You are all so incredible. And hugs to all those mamas who have lost. I know you all need it. It doesn't seem to matter WHEN you lose a baby, but THAT you've lost a baby ever or at all is painful. It's not something anyone "deserves." There are some great, supportive women out there. Please, if you've lost, take time to find someone to help you through it. And also find someone else to help. Helping others is so healing on its own.