Thursday, January 26, 2012


Yesterday I spotted just a little, but nothing since.  I was excited that things were starting so that this journey can end and I can actually start healing.  But then nothing. 

Today, I went to the temple with my dear friend, Ashley, and her husband.  Thanks for letting me borrow your wife, Jerom!  We did some of my family names, which was nice.  It was nice to be surrounded by such beauty and peace.

However, today I also started feeling like this has all been my fault.  I've been so angry with Ben and his computer/video games.  I'm afraid that I scared off my baby because of my anger.  I feel like she might have felt my anger and decided she didn't want me as a mommy after all.  I say "she" because I feel like it's going to turn out that the baby was a girl.  We'll hopefully see soon enough.  Anyway, me and my anger issues.  I don't know that anyone can refute my current feelings.  But I do know two things:  1) I absolutely love and adore my children, all of my children, with my whole heart.  They give life and joy to my soul.  2)  THEY know this.  Each of them knows that I love them more than anything in this world.  They know that their mommy adores them, despite the trials they give me.  I tell them more than a few times each day, and I hug them with my heart and soul poured into the hug at LEAST once daily.  I don't think I'm a bad mom because of these two things, these two facts.  With my first miscarriage (between Keith and Mitchell at about 5-7 weeks), I questioned if I was such a horrible mother than I wasn't worthy to parent anyone else.  This time, I know that's not it.  I may not parent in a way that everyone approves of, and I may lose my patience and raise my voice (okay, okay, so I yell) much more often than I'd like to admit, but I love each of them and they all know it.

Also today, I've done some research online and in talking to midwives and others who have had late-term/second trimester miscarriages, and I've decided on a way to hurry things along so that I am not a walking tomb for my baby for weeks on end.  I've started with mega-doses of vitamin C (planning on 5-6,000mg daily for 5-6 day per THIS site) as well as a Dong Quai tincture (planning on 2-4 dropperfuls daily until bleeding begins, per THIS site as well as midwife and sister-in-law suggestion).  If no bleeding starts by Monday afternoon, I am going to just ask the midwife for the Cytotec to induce labor to begin, which should help this to all end within 1-3 days.  I started the Dong Quai around 3pm today and the Vitamin C around 6:30pm.  Still no bleeding yet, but hopefully soon.  I am anxious for this experience to end.

Finally, just before bed, I went over to return dinner dishes to the Becar's and got a Priesthood blessing while I was there.  Jerom, of course, performed the blessing.  I was told to realize what a power and rock of faith I am to my family, and what an influence I am to those around me.  Being sealed as an eternal family was mentioned quite a few times, too.

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