Holy Cow!
So, (I mentioned before that I always seem to start off with "So," and here I go again) I decided I needed to try today to go out and about. I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and did fine, though I'm still a bit tender and sore from the D&C. So I figured today would be alright too.
Not so much.
It was a cute little boutique held in the home of a neighbor and friend. Most of the people there I knew. Perhaps that is where I went wrong. As a few more people came, I started breathing more and more heavily until I realized I was fighting back tears. I'm not sure why. No one was talking about anything sensitive. In fact, I was leaning against a wall quietly in a corner. I wasn't even part of a conversation. But feelings kept growing and growing until I finally had to leave. I had to walk a few houses down to drop something off anyway, so I did.
Then a very kind lady expressed to me that she was sorry for what I am going through again so soon and tears began to well up. I hope I didn't rush away too quickly. She was being so kind and thoughtful and I really appreciated her sweet sentiments. I may admit to crying here, but I HATE crying. I hate for people to see me cry. It's like it erases any illusions of strength, including the one I hold for myself.
I am now kind of scared to go to church again this Sunday. I skipped the last two weeks, which I rarely if ever actually do. But I was too much of a mess to go be with a dozen 3 year olds, so I skipped. If that 30 minutes amongst neighbors brings me close to hyperventilating, what would three hours do?! I know I need to go and be uplifted and take part in the Sacrament. Not to mention, it's not very fair of me to not be doing my share with my class of 3 year olds. But if I can't hold myself together very well in such a small group of people I know for 30 minutes, how will I do with a whole church full of people I know? How will I contribute positively to a group of toddlers?
How am I going to move through this? How am I going to find my new normal? What do I do now?
3 comments:
Oh Ginger, I know the feeling all too well!! Sometimes you need to just let yourself cry anyways. Even if you hate to. Nobody expects you to be strong. Just remember that people love you and its okay to express how your feeling even in front of people. Love ya!
You come when you are ready, and you start slowly. Just come for Sacrament, sit in the back, bring tissue, sit in the car for a bit, come late, whatever feels best. Tears are going to be close to the surface and it has nothing to do with strength, it has to do with love. I can sub for you if you need.
I think it's really important to take your time. Never ever feel like you have to do something. You have been through something horrible and devastating and there is nothing more important in the world than your well being. Don't make any plans, just wait and see how you feel right before you should be leaving. If it feels right, then go and if not then don't go. Your emotions are so unpredictable at this time. Places you may try to go seem harmless, but something there triggers emotion and it changes your whole mood. I still have those moments, often. The pain is usually less sharp than in the beginning, although sometimes not, but it's still there. You need to take time to grieve and don't rush it. Thinking of you.
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