So, (I mentioned before that I always seem to start off with "So," and here I go again) I decided I needed to try today to go out and about. I went to Wal-Mart yesterday and did fine, though I'm still a bit tender and sore from the D&C. So I figured today would be alright too.
Not so much.
It was a cute little boutique held in the home of a neighbor and friend. Most of the people there I knew. Perhaps that is where I went wrong. As a few more people came, I started breathing more and more heavily until I realized I was fighting back tears. I'm not sure why. No one was talking about anything sensitive. In fact, I was leaning against a wall quietly in a corner. I wasn't even part of a conversation. But feelings kept growing and growing until I finally had to leave. I had to walk a few houses down to drop something off anyway, so I did.
Then a very kind lady expressed to me that she was sorry for what I am going through again so soon and tears began to well up. I hope I didn't rush away too quickly. She was being so kind and thoughtful and I really appreciated her sweet sentiments. I may admit to crying here, but I HATE crying. I hate for people to see me cry. It's like it erases any illusions of strength, including the one I hold for myself.
I am now kind of scared to go to church again this Sunday. I skipped the last two weeks, which I rarely if ever actually do. But I was too much of a mess to go be with a dozen 3 year olds, so I skipped. If that 30 minutes amongst neighbors brings me close to hyperventilating, what would three hours do?! I know I need to go and be uplifted and take part in the Sacrament. Not to mention, it's not very fair of me to not be doing my share with my class of 3 year olds. But if I can't hold myself together very well in such a small group of people I know for 30 minutes, how will I do with a whole church full of people I know? How will I contribute positively to a group of toddlers?
How am I going to move through this? How am I going to find my new normal? What do I do now?