Seth's due date is in 8 days. Taylor's first angel-birthday is 4 weeks after that. We're still working on getting their gravestone set.
There are a lot of confusing emotions that go around all of this with Taylor and Seth. If Taylor hadn't died, I wouldn't know Seth. I would have a 5 month old little girl instead. If Seth hadn't died, I wouldn't know that there was a need for angel baby clothing, Taylor would be alone, but I would be very large and complaining joyfully about swollen ankles while washing all of the baby boy clothes leftover from Keith and Mitchell that hasn't been worn in nearly 4 years.
I wish I had them both, but I'm glad they're together. I wish I had them both, but I think I've become a less selfish person because of their brief lives. I wish I could hold them both, watch them smile, listen to them coo and laugh... but I understand that they are where they are most needed (they've got missionary work to do, after all) and because of them I have a work to do here.
Ben and I have talked, and several have asked about this conversation: what about more kids?
Well, who knows when it will ever happen. It doesn't matter if it's this month or 6 months, or a year from now, I will have the same emotions to go through. After losing two in a row (both second trimester) and now being familiar with so many people's stories where they've lost anywhere from 4 weeks as they find out they're pregnant to their full term baby to a baby a few days or weeks or even months old (SIDS), I will have the same fears of losing my baby. I am no longer naive believing it won't happen to me. It has happened. Twice. Just as all those parents in Connecticut will now have children in caskets with gravestones as they miss amazing milestones in their lives, I have two of those. In a few months, the outrage will die down and everyone, such as their friends and neighbors, will go back to their daily lives as if nothing ever happened. That's when those parents are going to feel another wave of grief. I know, I know... "it's not the same thing" for me as it is for them. But I know enough about losing a child that I know what to expect for them. I may not know what my babies' favorite colors are or what their laugh sounds like, but neither I nor those parents will get to see our angel children graduate high school, get married, have kids, etc. Both I and those parents will always treasure the items that they touched, like blankets and outfits.
Anyway, being pregnant again will have the same emotions, no matter when it happens. It'll all be wrapped around: will I get to keep my child?
However, until then, I am glad I was able to carry my two angels letting them know and feel love every day of their brief lives. I'm glad they were/are MY children. I'm so glad to be their mommy, even if from such an incredible distance. I hope I can continue to honor them and their memories always. And I hope to be able to bring comfort to others as I go about honoring my angels.
