8 week update

Thursday, I went in for my first prenatal appointment.  We had suspected that I was around 9 weeks (jacked up cycles are crazy to figure out) but ultrasound showed there to be one baby around 8 weeks with a very strong heartbeat.  It fluttered happily... just as Taylor's had (which lead me to be confused and devastated when that heartbeat was gone) and just as Seth's had.

The night before, fear and terror showed up and attempted to take me over.  But thanks to my faith and the faith of those that I called on to help me (thank you, Facebook, for quick and easy access to my friends and family in a mass communication kind of way), I fell asleep that night quickly and easily as those fears were... not lessened, not eased, but literally taken from me long enough that I could sleep the best sleep that I've had in days, weeks, months, possibly even years.  8 solid hours of sleep with no wakings, no int interruptions, just restful sleep.  By morning I was a little ashamed of the way fear had overtaken me, and especially how QUICKLY it had overtaken me!  I had been a little worried all week as Thursday was approaching.  However, it wasn't until it was getting close to bedtime that pure terror hit me like a Mac truck straight on!  Tears poured.  And thanks to some great teaching in my life, my faith poured out, too.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  And I asked for others to pray with me.  And I felt those prayers. 

Now, when I pray for this pregnancy, I've learned little things that guide me.  I don't dare ask for any certain outcome.  If I beg for something, but it's not right for me, but He gets so tired of me begging that He finally says "FINE!" - I tend to not be as pleased as I thought I would be.  In this case, that seems like an odd thing to consider.  It's a baby and it's a blessing.  But, if keeping my baby means that someone else loses theirs, someone who can't handle it as well as I can, someone who loses faith because of it, someone who figuratively crawls into a dark cave with no intention of returning - what kind of selfish person am I to have begged for that to happen?!  This is NOT to say that if I should lose this one, that I would be indifferent, or that I would cry my eyes out for several days, or cave myself for a few days.  But because of my faith, I know that I will have another little blessing being stored up in heaven, waiting for me.  I will miss him/her just as much as I do Taylor and Seth, or would miss any of the children than I enjoy in my home right now.  I cry or get sad about T&S because I miss them.  But I know I'll see them again.  I'm not angry with God now, nor have I ever been.  I may wonder momentarily why *I* was chosen for these experiences, but I don't blame Him or get angry at Him or curse Him or anything like that.  I love Him and rely on Him to get me through it. 

So, instead, I pray for comfort and strength.  I pray that my emotions will be comforted, that I'll always remember that the best outcome will come about - no matter which direction that happens to be.  I express my hopes that things would go the way that puts another baby in my arms and in my home rather than stored in my heart and in heaven, but I ask for comfort that all will be right either way.  And I pray for strength in facing my fears - whether it be pushing my fears away as I live each day wondering the outcome, or strength in dealing with a reality of my fears, or perhaps strength in dealing with a reality of my hopes and dreams (yes, babies can wreck havoc on a mom, even if they do love and want them more than anything else in this world)! 

I wish I had video of this little Picard/Vash, but I don't.  The ultrasound in my midwife's office isn't the high tech kind that shows every little thing with amazingly cool clarity.  It's about as powerful as a doppler is all.  So while you can't see the flittering and fluttering of that sweet little heart, I got to watch it!  Here are some stills of the baby that is not yet formed into a full identifiably human body:

At least in this last one, I know that the head is on the left and the rump is on the right.  I *think* that's true with the other two also, but hey, I'm just not really that sure!

GROW, BABY, GROW!!!