Saturday, June 30, 2012

Freaked Me OUT!

Okay, so I already told you about how I had a prenatal appointment at 11 weeks and then, just afterward, slipped in some soda which bruised one knee pretty badly and sprained the MCL in my other knee.  Being pregnant, that can sure worry a girl.  But, here's a little more...  At 12 weeks, I had the feeling all day long that "my baby is dead."  It felt like fact.  I just couldn't shake it.  Then, at 13w1d (that's when Taylor died), we were out camping.  That day also happened to be the 23rd.  Taylor was born on January 23rd.  So it was the 5 month anniversary of delivering my dead baby.  Can I just say, being the mother of a dead baby is HARD WORK.

Have you heard of a "rainbow baby" ever?  It refers to a baby born after a loss, the rainbow after the storm.  A rainbow pregnancy is HARD WORK!  I'm constantly finding reasons to freak out.  It's not easy at all.  I may have had some experiences with Taylor that should have alerted me to a problem (not being able to envision that birth, or that child being missing in my visions of this coming birth), but overall, I had no idea that anything had been wrong.  Now, I try to read into EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE red flag.  Every feeling.  Every lack of feeling.  It's ridiculous!  I try hard to say to myself, "today I am pregnant and I love my baby."  But it's hard when you don't know if the baby you are pregnant with happens to be dead or alive day to day.  And let me just remind you, walking around feeling like your baby's tomb is NOT a comforting feeling.

Alright, so what am I getting at?

I freaked myself out enough that I finally gave into my midwife's invitation to come in and take a quick peek to make sure everything was okay.  So, I packed up the kids, had lunch with Ben, bought the boys some new shoes, and saw my midwife.  She was so pleasant and kind, I interrupted her lunch, but she was perfectly friendly about it.  She said she wanted me to have a nice, calm, relaxing weekend with some reassurance.  My next appointment is in a week, but after two weeks of freaking out, I just didn't want to wait another week.

So what happened?

She has a low intensity ultrasound machine in her office, so she turned it on, gelled up my tummy, and went to work.  This baby... is INCREDIBLY ACTIVE!!  Oh my gosh, s/he was flipping, turning, kicking, swimming, and doing all kinds of acrobatics!  Call me crazy, but I was still afraid that s/he was just being pushed around by amniotic fluids and my tummy moving as I spoke.  She turned on the doppler and it took a little bit, but she found a happy and healthy heartbeat that was in the 170's!!  Oh, that was the most beautiful sound!  I can't even tell you how much I wanted to cry with joy and reassurance!  I felt silly going in only a week before my next appointment, and felt terrible for interrupting her lunch, but it was worth it to hear that heart beating away!  I am now officially further along in this pregnancy than I was with Taylor.  Well, my baby has lived longer than Taylor did.  She was born at 14w1d, so I guess Sunday I'll officially be further along.  Not really sure how to count all that.  But who cares when I know that RIGHT NOW, my baby is happy, healthy, and actively alive?!  Nausea is letting up a bit.  I'm sleeping well right now.  I'm not as exhausted every day as I have been.  Things are going well.

So CHEERS!  (with sparkling cider of course)  Here's to babies, and heartbeats, and joy!!
I know it's hard to tell, but that's a head at the bottom and legs at the top.


Kim said...

I'm so glad everything went well!! I remember feeling so anxious after my miscarriage. Completely acceptable and you should go in for reassurance any time you need! It sounds like your midwife is very understanding:) Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Mel said...

Interesting. I almost quoted you word for word with my last pregnancy -- "I am pregnant today, be happy with that."-- I kept telling myself over and over. That reassurance with the ultrasound is priceless. I am so glad things are going well.