Capture Your Grief: Day 3 of 2013

Day 3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.

I think I covered this last year in this post:  What (not) to say

However, to kinda answer things a little differently this year, I'd say here is a myth that bother me...

#1 - Time heals all.  This too shall pass.  You're still grieving, it's been so long.
As I've said before, people continue to grieve their lost sibling or parent or grandparent or friend years after they've passed.  Why would you expect any less when someone has lost a child?  As soon as you're pregnant, you start making plans - holiday plans (Seth was due Dec 28 so I began planning Christmas at home rather than with family), home plans (if Seth were born alive, we would have needed to consider building in the basement because we just wouldn't be able to fit 3 boys in one bedroom), budgeting (even with insurance, delivering a baby costs money, as do clothes and diapers, etc), and so much more!  When you lose that baby before he or she is even born, all those plans and dreams change.  You've lost a child AND the future you had envisioned.  And it hurts.  Every holiday, you think about how you could have or should have had another baby crawling around, starting school, or whatever is relevant.  Time helps, but it doesn't completely heal and the death of a child never passes.  Ever.

Sometimes I think I must SEEM like I'm "over it" because I don't cry so much.  Other times I think I must SEEM like I'll never be "over it" because I still do all my angel work and am constantly reaching out to people, trying so hard to help... which makes me think people must think I SEEM like I'm "over it" since I'm to a place where I can do that kind of stuff.

I just want to say that I think of both Taylor and Seth daily.  I think of them as often as I think of my three living children.  They're always in the back of my mind.  Other people thinking or speaking of them makes me happy.  I don't like thinking that they've been forgotten.  They'll always be mine and I'll always remember them.  Always.

Capture Your Grief: Day 2 of 2013

Day 2. Identity:
What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?

TAYLOR

We chose this name because she died at 13w1d and was born at 14w1d - we never got to see her tiny body and it was too soon for ultrasound to show a gender.  We HIGHLY believe Taylor was a girl, but just in case, we didn't want to offend our little one, so we chose an androgynous name.  I went through the book "The Baby Name Wizard" and found a list of androgynous names.  I highlighted the ones that I liked best (Aubrey, Billie, Drew, Jody, Joey, Micah, Quinn, Reese, Robin, Taylor) and let Ben choose from that list.  He chose Taylor, which I was pleased with.  To read about her birth details, go HERE. 

Since then, I've found that her purpose was to introduce me to the community of loss mothers.  Being in the loss community already helped me with what was coming next.

SETH MICAH

As described HERE, we found out that we lost this sweet baby when I went in for my gender-reveal ultrasound at 19 weeks.  They were so positive that we were having a girl that the tech colored the gender-shot screen pink.  We chose the name Isabelle with no middle name, just as our little Taylor girl has no middle name.  Then I delivered my baby and found out that he was ALL BOY!  I pulled out my phone to look up my name list I had sent to my sister and read off all the boy names.  Ben said Seth was the only one that really stood out to him.  From there, we decided it sounded short and he needed a middle name, so I chose Micah to go with it (another name from our list). 

Seth means "Annointed."  Micah means "Who Is Like God?" (never understood why this is followed by a question mark).  However, both names are scriptural, biblical.  Seth was the perfect son of Adam (See D&C 107:43 or look up Seth in the Bible Dictionary) and Micah was a prophet (see HERE for more about Micah).  In our religion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe that children are without sin, they are not accountable for their actions until they reach the age of accountability (age 8, unless other mental handicaps are present).  This means that our tiny son died while still perfect in the sight of our Heavenly Father.  Although he lived in my womb, he was never subjected to the sins of this world, he never sinned, he was in fact quite perfect.  So the name Seth has ended up being quite perfect for our little boy. 

For his birth details, read HERE. 
As for his features - he was a mere 6" long and 3oz.  He was slender yet very muscular as he wasn't old enough to have gained any real baby fat yet.  His eyes were open (which they say doesn't happen for another few weeks after he had died).  He had some swelling on the back of his head from being gone for so long before his birth (remember, he died at 16weeks and was born at 19w4d) but his hat covered it so we could enjoy everything else without being afraid.  He had a cute little nose and chin.  To me, he was absolutely beautiful.  

Now, like I was saying, Taylor's loss had me enter the community of loss mothers.  That enabled me to know about NILMDTS and get the pictures of Seth that I treasure more than I can describe.  While we anticipated Isabelle's arrival, I had picked out some outfits hoping one would fit our little girl, and it gave me comfort to know she'd be dressed like any other baby.  Then, we had a boy.  I was sad that the clothes were no longer appropriate for our baby.  All the pictures of him are of a little naked baby, sometimes wrapped in a blanket.  Since then, I've learned to crochet to make angel clothing and sewn more angel clothing and all of it has been donated out to photographers and hospitals, hoping others will be able to dress their babies.  Of course I have a special place in my heart for the tiniest outfits, the ones that would have fit my little Seth.  Those are my favorites to make because they mean so much more to me.  

I lost my babies because there is a need in this world, a need to comfort grieving parents, to extend a hand of love to show grieving parents that they're not alone.  Making angel clothing is how I go about accomplishing the task I have been called to do.  I will likely always do it.  I hated that my baby was naked and cold.  We were so sure we were having a girl, though.  Who would have thought to bring boy clothes "just in case?"  I don't blame anyone.  It just makes me sad.  After everyone had left, before I gave Seth to the nurses so the funeral home could take him away, I had the nurses bring me a full-term baby hat to wrap him in, to keep his toes warm, to act like a sleeping bag because I hated him being so cold.  Yes, I know he couldn't feel the cold, but it made me feel better to have him warmly wrapped.  Hopefully, my efforts will help so that other parents don't have to use full-term items to wrap their tiny ones in.

So that's how I perceive their identities.  They introduced me to the loss community and to the needs of those who have lost.  The work I do is in remembrance of my sweet angels, and hopefully it brings comfort, even the tiniest bit, to other grieving parents.

Capture Your Grief: Day 1 of 2013

Day 1: Sunrise, the beginning of the photo journaling event capturing the grief in my world of pregnancy and infant loss.  Remember, in October 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. “When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child,there isn’t a word to describe them. This month recognizes the loss so many parents experience across the United States and around the world. It is also meant to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.”

I snapped a few pictures "at" sunrise, but with the mountains in our backyard, it's hard to get much.  So this is about 45 minutes after sunrise as the sun peaks over the mountaintops.  I had to get it as I drove my oldest sweetheart to school, hence the mirror.  But, being on the road seemed appropriate since I've been traveling this road for a while now. 


For 2012's image

Upcoming CAPTURE YOUR GRIEF

It's about that time of year...  CarlyMarie's Project Heal "Capture Your Grief" is coming up again throughout October.  Last year's photo journaling experience was amazing and I really enjoyed it every day.  I don't know if I'll do EVERY day again this year, but there are many days that I'm looking forward to.

If anyone wants to join in, here is the link and what CarlyMarie wrote out about each day to guide you through it. 

http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2013/09/capture-your-grief-october-2013.html

1. Sunrise: Just like last year, I thought it would be very meaningful for us all to capture the beginning of this journey and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning.
2. Identity: What is your child’s name? Why did you chose that name? What is the meaning of their name? If they were born, what were their birth details. What were their features? Who are they?
3. Myths: Do you believe there are any myths about grief? You could write the myth on a piece of paper and photograph it.
4. Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.
5. Memory: What memory do you have of your child that stands out for you the most. It may be a positive or negative memory. When you think of your child what is the first memory that comes to your mind?
6. Ritual: Do you have any rituals to help get you through the day? Maybe it is a daily affirmation or prayer. It could be that you light a candle or recite a mantra etc. Do you do anything meaningful on special dates for your baby?
7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?
8. Colour: What colour/s do you represent your baby? Why that colour/s?
9. Music: This might be hard to capture in a photograph so why not post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren. Why this piece of music?
10. Beliefs: Do you have a certain belief about what happens to us after we die? You might believe that we go to a heaven or you might believe that our bodies eventually turn to dust and that is the end of our story. Please feel free to share your beliefs whether they are religious, spiritual or not.
11. Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?
12. Article: Have you read an article about grief that you would love to share with everyone? Maybe it is something from Still Standing Magazine or a blog post from your favourite blogger or writer. Please feel welcome to share who wrote the article and how the article resonated with you and also the direct link to the article if it is online.
13. Book: Have you read a book about grief that helped you immensely in your journey of grief? Please feel welcome to share the book and links to where it can be purchased so others can find it.
14. Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.
15. Wave Of Light: Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light! Please remember to share your location for this day as well. Wishing you all a ton of love for this sacred day of remembrance.
16. Seasons: Share what certain seasons or holidays mean to you now. What season did your baby die in? What season were they conceived/born in? Etc. Do you dread those seasons now? Are they more meaningful to you because of your baby?
17. Time: How long has it been since your baby died.
18. Release: What do you want to let go of on this journey of grief? Is it fear? Guilt? Worry? Deep sadness? Regrets?
19. Support: Share about what has been the best support for you since the loss of your baby. Maybe it is a special friend or family member? A pet? An organization? What have they done for you? Where would you be without them?
20. Hope: Do you have hope for the future? What do you hope for those who will join this club in the future.
21. Honour: Is there anything that you have done to honour your baby since they died? Did you give back to the community? Make a conscious decision to live as beautifully as possible? Take on the role of helping others in your situation? Maybe you work as an advocate for breaking the silence for our community.
22. Words: Share your favourite quote, poem, song lyrics, scripture that you have found.
23. Tattoos/Jewellery: Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby? Or maybe a tattoo. Please feel welcome to share links too.
24. Artwork: Have you created a piece of artwork in the wake of your baby’s death? Or maybe someone has given you some artwork to honour your baby? Please feel welcome to share links to your own website or to other artists.
25. #SayItOutLoud: Say It Out Loud is The STILL Project’s famous hashtag. STILL is a feature-length documentary film project aimed at breaking the cycle of silence surrounding pregnancy and infant loss. If you could say anything out loud about your journey with grief with the death or your baby, what would it be? What do you want the world to know? Is there a cause that touches your heart that you want to raise awareness for?
26. Community: What does this community mean to you?
27. Signs: If you believe in life after death do you believe your child has ways of contacting you? Have you had any signs?
28. Special Place: This could be your baby’s place of rest. If they do not have a grave, maybe you have a special place that you associate with your baby. A place you go to, to remember them. Where is it? Why did you choose that particular place?
29. Healing: What has had the most healing impact on your life through this journey of grief?
30. Growth: Do you believe you have grown or are growing as a person since the loss of your precious baby? How? How do you see other people now? How do you see the world? Do you believe you have a higher purpose? Do you believe your baby had a higher purpose?
31. Sunset: To close this project and this month of BabyLoss Awareness I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

I AM THE COOLEST MOM EVER!

See what I did today?  Well, in the last HOUR!!

I am going to Comic Con tomorrow and taking some kiddos with me.  Keith was Obe-Wan for Halloween one year, and then Darth Maul another year.  Plus I just bought a Worf costume for him, too... just in case I could talk him into it (take off the sash and it is a Star Trek TNG engineering/science officer uniform... no Klingon makeup required).  So the boys have those costumes to choose from if they'd like to dress up tomorrow.  But little K2 had nothing to wear that showed our family's geek side.  Of course that didn't stop ME though!

While at Wal-Mart, I saw the Men sized geek shirts.  There was Sheldon saying Bazinga! or Green Lantern or Batman (which of course my little Superhero wanted desperately).  I love blue so I was drawn to the Superman shirt.  I bought it for a mere $7.50 in a Men's Small.  Then I came home and got to work.

I found THIS BLOG about how to make an old shirt into a toddler dress, looked it over, and realized that I could do this REALLY easily!

I found a dress of K2's that I really liked, though it's getting a little small.  But I liked the lines of it.

Next, I folded both the shirt and the dress in half.  I lined things up so that the front collar of the blue shirt could be used on the dress, and made sure I got ALL of the Superman emblem.

Then, I got out a dry erase marker and a ruler, then started drawing my cut lines on the blue shirt.  There needs to be enough space for a 1/4" seam PLUS, since the dress I'm patterning it from is a little snug, I gave it some extra space, too.  And I wanted it a little longer, so I did that, too.

I cut it out and began sewing.  Oddly enough, once I opened up the shirt, it sewed together nearly the same as the Taylor Gown that we just posted about!

I cut off some of the back collar from the blue shirt's scraps and sewed it onto the shirt.  I could have just left it on to begin with, but this was my first attempt at making an adult shirt into a kid dress.

Next, with right sides together (shirt inside out), I sewed the shoulder hem, followed by the sleeve hem (easier to do when you can still lay it flat).

Then, still inside out, I sewed the side seam.  Then I hemmed the bottom.

Turn it back right side out and this is what I had:

The fabric makes it look kind of like a night gown, but once I get some red tights under it and fix her hair so it isn't "I just woke up" hair, it's going to be PERFECT!!

So, yes, I am the coolest mom EVER!  I just made a dress for my toddler out of a men's shirt so that she could go to Comic Con with me!!

August

August was a pretty big month.  It started off with Seth's birthday which included a visit out to his grave.  We took balloons and flowers, and after dinner out we had cupcakes at home.  We took our two Molly Bears with us and the boys doted on them quite a bit.  Mitchell cradled and cuddled and Keith hugged and kissed.  They're both so very sweet with their angel siblings!

Next, I was able to send off a package to Granting Hope Ministries to help with some baskets and donations they were taking to hospitals to honor the 5th birthday of their angel son, Grant.  There were 25 outfits, most crocheted but some sewn, and diaper pairs included.  My dear friend, Stacy, included a couple outfits made specifically in remembrance of Seth & Taylor, as well as some sewn outfits that are just gorgeous.

Next up was sewing with the Mia Maids in my ward.  They helped sew LOTS of angel sized blankets (because a newborn sized blanket is just way too big for these babies)!  The girls did so wonderfully!  They completed 13 blankets, had 5 with top-stitching only to go, and cut another 6, plus cut several diapers, too!  All in all, for the month, we completed 24 blankets!

As if all this wasn't enough, there's still more.  Stacy and I created a new sewn angel gown!  There are two patterns frequently used.  One (the Tea Towel Gown under the Patterns tab) is absolutely beautiful with a back-closure (easiest way to dress an angel) but the sleeves intimidate me with my lack of sewing skills mixed with my perfectionist attitude.  I've made a few "shirts" that I never finished because I always stop at the sleeves.  Then, there's a second pattern (the Share Kimono Gown pattern) that is much easier in the way of sleeves, but it has a front-closure (harder for dressing angels) and a neckline that I am not so good at so I always send out the gowns to a neighbor-friend who serges the neckline for me.  I really wanted a back-closure gown that had short sleeves and where I didn't have to add on the sleeves to the rest of the body.  So, we created one!  The TAYLOR GOWN (after my little Taylor) was born!  I don't have to send out my gowns anymore!  I can now sew them myself!  Each has their place, we just added another option.  These pictures are ones Stacy did with scrap fabric as we tested the design...

Left:  Tea Towel gown (back closure, long sleeves)
Center:  Taylor Gown (back closure, short sleeves)
Right:  Share Gown (front closure, short sleeves)

After working long and hard on this, making several tests and changing a few things here and there, testing again, and dreaming at night about how to make the pattern better, I'm so excited to say that the pattern is ready for use!  Remember, my sewing skills are lame, I mean minimal, at best.  This pattern was made so that I could make it without having to have someone help me.  If I can do it, I'm pretty sure you can, too!  It is available to download by clicking THIS link, or you can go to Stacy's blog and see her beautiful workup of the gown HERE, or among our favorite PATTERNS.  This is the second pattern that I've been a part of creating.  The other was the WAVY BLANKET crochet pattern that I worked up a few months ago.  I'm really enjoying all this!  Anyway, more sizes to come soon, but this is a size bigger than we can easily crochet, so I hope you'll give it a try!

And still working....

For almost every blanket, there was a matching pair of diapers.  And then extra diapers, too.  My goal was to make sure each blanket/diaper set had a gown to coordinate with it.  I crocheted, and crocheted, and crocheted, and don't you know I'm still crocheting.

Pictured are 35 hats donated by Annette - my mother-in-law posted pictures of the diapers they were sewing and Annette asked what she could do to help.  Is that not truly amazing?!  To the left of the hats and scattered throughout the picture are lots and lots of diapers that my husband's parents and uncle helped sew, around 35 sets total, so 70+ diapers (lots of the fabric donated by Ashley who also cut patterns for many of them).  18 of the 24 blankets are also pictured, along with 2 no-sew hats, 5 Share pattern gowns, 15 crochet outfits - 1 small, 12 medium, and 2 large... plus one of my Taylor Gowns!  I'm fixing the collar on 2 more, but this works for now.

Total this month:

24 blankets (thanks EM 6th Ward Mia Maids)
70+ diapers (thanks Ashley, Shari, Milt, and Morey)
8 sewn gowns (thanks Brittany)
25 crocheted gowns
35 knitted hats (thanks Annette)
6 no-sew hats

Also...  I'm now 30 weeks pregnant and feel baby "Vash" kicking often!  This is my first experience with a baby who gets the hiccups, too!  Hubby felt her hiccups one day, the first he'd really felt this baby at all, and his face just lit up like you wouldn't believe!  He's so sweet and excited about this little girl!  There's still 57 names on our list (we start with every name possible and take names off - rather than seeing a name we like and adding it to a list) so don't expect her to be called anything but "Vash" for a while yet!  In the mean time, I'm crocheting a blanket for her, trying to get out all the newborn/0-3 clothes for her, cleaning up the car seat, arranging our bedroom for both the birth and a pack-n-play, and feel the testing kicking in big time!  She's around 3 lbs already and just under 16" long, according to the estimations various baby sites post.  She's a joy already and I'm getting very excited to meet her... though not TOO soon!

Hollywood Deaths

http://www.tmz.com/2013/08/15/that-70s-show-star-lisa-robin-kelly-dead-at-43/

http://tv.yahoo.com/blogs/tv-news/-that--70s-show--star-lisa-robin-kelly-dead-at-43-194434270.html?cache=clear

Have you read these articles yet?   I've seen them on facebook a bit.  Some of the comments have been...  well, they inspired this post.  Some people proclaim that she couldn't handle being a celebrity.  Others blame drugs in Hollywood.  Others just pass it off as another someone who died because of their own mistakes.  But here's the deal - she lost a baby, and she never recovered from it.

That's right.  It's not highly publicized.  It's not in every article you read.  It's not on Wikipedia (yet).  I can't seem to find out how far along she was because she apparently didn't talk about it much.  I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she didn't feel like she could talk about it.  Take a look at THIS article, for example.  They say that she had lost a baby and mockingly say "Aw, poor Lisa." as though it was no big deal and shouldn't have led to her downfall. 

Read more at: http://www.heavy.com/entertainment/2013/06/that-70s-show-lisa-robin-kelly-arrest-dui-assault-bail/

Aw, poor Lisa.

Read more at: http://www.heavy.com/entertainment/2013/06/that-70s-show-lisa-robin-kelly-arrest-dui-assault-bail/

It really is sad that people who endure miscarriages and stillbirths don't feel like they have the resources available to them to get through.  This is why I'm so open about my miscarriage and stillbirth.  This is why I work so hard to make clothing for those tiny babies to wear and pass on information about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and the amazing photography they do for these parents and their stillborn children.  Women are almost made to feel like they need to "get over it" and "move on" quickly, get "back to normal" after losing a child.  It's not that easy!  Being in the public eye, I'm sure the pressure to get "back to normal" is even more real.  Everyone moves on before you're ready for them to.  Everyone else forgets your child leaving only you to remember that your child ever existed.  If I didn't have my faith to rely on, I'm sure I could have done some serious damage.  As it was, I didn't eat for about two weeks where I dropped about a pound a day.  After that, I continued to lose...  about 35 lbs in 5 months total.  There were so many days that I wanted to drink or buy cigarettes (I haven't had a single drink or smoke in 10 years now).  I wanted to hide away and never come out.  I wanted to sit in the tub and slit my wrists.  I didn't, but following miscarriage/stillbirth, some mothers DO.  Some sink into such a deep depression that they need to be watched for YEARS.  I read an article once (can't seem to find it anywhere) that following the loss of a pregnancy/child, mothers die at an increased rate for 2 years - and not all suicides.  Such as, they get into car wrecks and die at an increased rate.  My guess is that they get injured and feel like they'd rather pass on and go see the children they carried but never met than stick around fighting for their lives.  And yes, you read that right... this increase in maternal death is for TWO YEARS!  (It's only been a year since Seth was stillborn.)

I can't even imagine this woman, struggling to "deal with" the loss of her child for years with no one she felt like she could really talk to about it.  Instead, drinking herself into a stupor, becoming violent with those around her, wanting to be better (she checked herself into rehab) but never feeling supported enough to recover.  All the while, people unaware of her struggles were belittling her in an industry where the opinions of others seems to matter a great deal.

Anyway, so my point is - please, talk about your losses, help others as they endure their losses, don't ever expect anyone to just "get over it."  I read on facebook often that people still remember their sibling, their parent, their grandparent who died and how much they miss them.  Don't you think it's just as valid to miss your CHILD for years after they die?

I feel pretty lucky.  I've had pretty good support.  There have been a few comments that made me want to punch someone in the face, but overall, I've had an incredible support system.  Not everyone is so lucky.  Please, reach out to people.  Try to remember important dates.  Say their children's names.  Don't be afraid to say something because it might make them sad, they're already sad and thinking of their lost child (I assure you) and someone remembering their child might make them cry, but more likely out of joy that someone actually remembers their lost child.

Guess I've rambled enough.  Just remember to support each other, and to never stop supporting each other.  Grief isn't something you "get over" but live with for the rest of your life, in varying degrees each day.  LOVE AND SUPPORT!