12 weeks

I'm going to write this post in two sections.

Today is Monday, 4/29 and I am officially 12 weeks pregnant. 
This next month is going to be terrifying for me.  Again, I try to remember what my bishop says so very often - that the opposite of fear is faith, and to have faith always.  It's not that I don't have faith, it's just that I'm nervous.  I don't know what's going to happen and that leaves me uncertain.  Right now, I'm trying to envision a baby blessing in Dec/Jan and then a baptism (for my oldest) in March.  I'm wishing there was a way to combine them so that I wouldn't wonder if family would be able to afford coming to both.  But, before I get too into trying to move things around or really hoping to see family twice, I need to get to a point where I am certain we'll be planning both events.

This month in particular is going to be scary for me as Taylor died at 13 weeks and Seth died at 16 weeks.  This month will encompass both.  Remember that I am doing my very best to hold my emotions together and not let them run me or my life into chaos.  If I get a little testy, lazy, anxious, overly excitable, really busy with random distractions that aren't where you would think my priorities should be, or anything else - just remember that I'm doing my very best to focus on faith instead of fear.  I am holding it together as best as I can as I wonder if my child will live through this month or not, as my last two did not.  Cut me a little slack this month, and probably next month, too.  The whole second trimester is going to be filled with breathing exercises, constant prayer for comfort and strength, and emotions that are unpredictable.  I will get through it.  I just really hope that I get through it with a live baby still growing inside!

Today is now Thursday, 5/2 and I just got back from my second prenatal appointment.
My little Picard/Vash was happily bouncing/dancing around like crazy!  I used my doppler before I got out of bed this morning to make sure there was a heartbeat, especially since I had my two littles going with me.  Kiersten kept pointing "BABY!  HI, BABY!!" and Mitchell watched for a couple minutes, just long enough to see what appeared to be P/V waving HELLO to us!  Even my midwife was excited to see him/her bouncing all around like that!  Heart rate is in the 160's, just as it has been using my home doppler.  (I should mention real quickly...  my midwife's ultrasound machine is extremely weak.  You can't see much detail.  It's mostly just to confirm and date pregnancy, and make sure there's only one baby as licensed midwives in Utah cannot deliver twins at home, though unlicensed midwives can.  So these ultrasound pictures, just know that it's not a regular ultrasound, it's about as powerful as a doppler is all.  So the less than 5 minutes on my belly doesn't concern me the way frequent lengthy ultrasounds would using the cool "I can see everything" kind of high tech machines do.)  Anyway, so here are pictures of my little Picard/Vash!

GROW, BABY, GROW!

10 weeks and Supply Drive

First, I want to share with you a donation opportunity:

If anyone is interested in participating, I will be going up to make a donation sometime the week of May 6-11.  Right now, I've got 17 gown/diaper sets being sewn (thanks to some helpers because my machine in JACKED!) and 8 crocheted sets already made.  I am really hoping to get plenty more made before this Supply Drive because they are in such dire need of help!  While the local angel closet in Salt Lake County seems pretty well stocked for now, Weber/Davis County is still in need.  After spending the last several months making outfits out of my own pocket, I can tell you that the costs add up quickly.  Even sale flannel gets expensive when you're buying several yards at a time.  Plus $3-$6 for every skein of yarn.  Plus buttons.  Plus ribbon.  It just adds up.  And we REALLY want to be able to keep up this work as there is a HUGE need! 

Imagine for a minute going to the hospital to deliver your baby, then going home empty handed.  Imagine trying to get a few pictures of your child, like proof that s/he really did exist since no one will ever see him/her, but your baby is too small for even a preemie onesie or diaper. We make gowns because even babies that aren't alive, a mother still wants to dress warmly.  We make two diapers per gown, one for baby to wear and the other for mom to take home in memory of her angel.  Several NILMDTS photographers have said that they have observed a mother of an angel dressing her baby bring a small sense of peace to their situation.  I'm sure I've said it before, but when I picked out the clothing for the baby that we anticipated naming Isabelle, it gave me peace to know that my child would be warm and dressed.  It calmed my busy mind, if only a little.  Then, when Isabelle turned out to be Seth, I was sad that he only had a hat to fit him.  I ended up asking a nurse to bring in a regular newborn hat to wrap him in to "keep him warm" and give me the sense of him being dressed because my little naked baby with only a blanket around him seemed wrong.  It wasn't until after the pictures were done and I let the nurses take him away for good that a nurse brought me diapers for him.  I wish he could have worn one.

So, you see, this clothing is IMPORTANT.  And although it may seem that I'm the only person who ever talks about their loss, it happens ALL THE TIME!  One weekend, my photographer said there were 15 angels born, followed the next week by 1-3 more angels every other day.  20+ angels in ONE week just in HER area.  Please, consider making a donation.

If you're near me, please bring over any appropriate flannel, soft yarn, white thread, ribbon, ziploc bags, or gift cards to any of the 4 stores listed, or let me know if you'd like to trace patterns, cut fabric, sew gowns or diapers (both are fairly easy patterns)...  Or maybe if you've got time to crochet or knit some outfits, I've got patterns for that, too!  Please, PLEASE, help me fill this angel closet!  The need is there.  And what a way to extend some love, peace, and comfort to a mother who just lost her child - something we all hope never happens to us.

Oh!  I almost forgot! 
I'm 10 weeks along now, and thanks to a very dear friend who loaned me her home doppler, I have been able to find a heartbeat every time I've been worried!  I first heard it around 9 1/2 weeks, and today at 10 1/2 weeks I heard it again!!  The doppler claims it's around a 160-170 heartrate and I just love hearing it!  Hopefully I'll be able to hear it every week!!  (Photos are of MY TANGIBLE PEACE's gestational ooak dolls, made developmentally accurate)

 In both pictures, my baby's development is the one in the middle.  My little Picard/Vash is around the size of

To give some size prospective, these BabyCenter pictures should help:

That's a 10 week size of a kumquat (yeah, what is that?), 11 week size of a fig, and 12 week size of a lime.  12 weeks, that's my next goal.  Not that anything I do helps me achieve this goal, but setting small goals is better than freaking out that I have 30 weeks to go.  Instead, I have 2 weeks to go to make it to my next goal.  I can do it!

GROW, BABY, GROW!

By the way...

I also wanted to take the time to show off some of my favorites:

The rest of my family

Kiersten in her beautiful dress

My crocheted donations to Angel Babies in late March to honor the two babies not pictured above

8 week update

Thursday, I went in for my first prenatal appointment.  We had suspected that I was around 9 weeks (jacked up cycles are crazy to figure out) but ultrasound showed there to be one baby around 8 weeks with a very strong heartbeat.  It fluttered happily... just as Taylor's had (which lead me to be confused and devastated when that heartbeat was gone) and just as Seth's had.

The night before, fear and terror showed up and attempted to take me over.  But thanks to my faith and the faith of those that I called on to help me (thank you, Facebook, for quick and easy access to my friends and family in a mass communication kind of way), I fell asleep that night quickly and easily as those fears were... not lessened, not eased, but literally taken from me long enough that I could sleep the best sleep that I've had in days, weeks, months, possibly even years.  8 solid hours of sleep with no wakings, no int interruptions, just restful sleep.  By morning I was a little ashamed of the way fear had overtaken me, and especially how QUICKLY it had overtaken me!  I had been a little worried all week as Thursday was approaching.  However, it wasn't until it was getting close to bedtime that pure terror hit me like a Mac truck straight on!  Tears poured.  And thanks to some great teaching in my life, my faith poured out, too.  I prayed and prayed and prayed.  And I asked for others to pray with me.  And I felt those prayers. 

Now, when I pray for this pregnancy, I've learned little things that guide me.  I don't dare ask for any certain outcome.  If I beg for something, but it's not right for me, but He gets so tired of me begging that He finally says "FINE!" - I tend to not be as pleased as I thought I would be.  In this case, that seems like an odd thing to consider.  It's a baby and it's a blessing.  But, if keeping my baby means that someone else loses theirs, someone who can't handle it as well as I can, someone who loses faith because of it, someone who figuratively crawls into a dark cave with no intention of returning - what kind of selfish person am I to have begged for that to happen?!  This is NOT to say that if I should lose this one, that I would be indifferent, or that I would cry my eyes out for several days, or cave myself for a few days.  But because of my faith, I know that I will have another little blessing being stored up in heaven, waiting for me.  I will miss him/her just as much as I do Taylor and Seth, or would miss any of the children than I enjoy in my home right now.  I cry or get sad about T&S because I miss them.  But I know I'll see them again.  I'm not angry with God now, nor have I ever been.  I may wonder momentarily why *I* was chosen for these experiences, but I don't blame Him or get angry at Him or curse Him or anything like that.  I love Him and rely on Him to get me through it. 

So, instead, I pray for comfort and strength.  I pray that my emotions will be comforted, that I'll always remember that the best outcome will come about - no matter which direction that happens to be.  I express my hopes that things would go the way that puts another baby in my arms and in my home rather than stored in my heart and in heaven, but I ask for comfort that all will be right either way.  And I pray for strength in facing my fears - whether it be pushing my fears away as I live each day wondering the outcome, or strength in dealing with a reality of my fears, or perhaps strength in dealing with a reality of my hopes and dreams (yes, babies can wreck havoc on a mom, even if they do love and want them more than anything else in this world)! 

I wish I had video of this little Picard/Vash, but I don't.  The ultrasound in my midwife's office isn't the high tech kind that shows every little thing with amazingly cool clarity.  It's about as powerful as a doppler is all.  So while you can't see the flittering and fluttering of that sweet little heart, I got to watch it!  Here are some stills of the baby that is not yet formed into a full identifiably human body:

At least in this last one, I know that the head is on the left and the rump is on the right.  I *think* that's true with the other two also, but hey, I'm just not really that sure!

GROW, BABY, GROW!!!

Busy, busy,,,

I haven't posted in a while, but I haven't known what to post about.  Or maybe I just didn't want to make this post... just in case... or out of fear.  I don't know.  But it's time, so here goes:

We're expecting!!!

Yes, I'm very happy and excited!

Yes, I'm also terrified out of my mind.

So far, we've accomplished development from

Poppy Seed (4 weeks) - been here 7 times
to

Sesame Seed (5 weeks)
to

Lentil (6 weeks) - that's where we are today
and now we're working on

Blueberry (7 weeks)
and then

Kidney Bean (8 weeks) - been here 6 times

It's going to be such a long ride.  Everything terrifies me.  I feel like my abdomen is bloating much faster this time, and I get a little crampy fairly often.  Every time I go to the bathroom, I'm afraid of seeing blood because of the cramping.  I fear an ectopic pregnancy.  I took 6 tests total, taking one every few days to see if the line was getting darker or not (it did).  I am nauseated often, but I was with both Taylor & Seth, too.  The second trimester (12 weeks) is about when a lot of people wait to make announcements, but that will be the start of some MAJOR fear for me - Taylor died at 13 weeks and Seth died at 16 weeks.  Getting past that point won't be a huge comfort because I now know too many people who have lost babies further along than that, some at 40+ weeks!  There is no safe point in pregnancy anymore.  So I suppose I should just let everyone know so that maybe some extra prayers will help out.

When I told Ben, he didn't say anything for about a day, and then he laid quietly in bed and said "I hope we get to keep this one."  Me too, honey.  Me too.

And I have NOT told Keith or the other kids yet.  PLEASE DO NOT MENTION IT TO THEM!!!  Keith is much more sensitive to these things than the other kids.  I'm so afraid of having to tell him that we have another angel baby, that another of his siblings has died.  It'll take a while to find the right words and the right time to tell him that we're pregnant again in a way that won't frighten him, too.  Any suggestions?

Also, My Tangible Peace makes these awesomely accurate gestational pieces.  Here is the first trimester (I think this is way cooler than the seeds and beans):

That one on the left, yep - that's where I am right now.  6 weeks.  This next picture is weeks 6 through 9.  That's mine on the bottom!

Last but not least...
Last time around, we chose Star Trek names so that we didn't say "it" or "the baby" or whatever until we knew a name.  We're doing the same this time, too.  Instead expecting a Worf or Sito Jaxa, this time we're expecting either a Picard or a Vash!  Just as before, these are names we'd never ACTUALLY use (like is possible with a Kirk, William, Riker, Troi, etc...) but lets me start my sci-fi indoctrination at an early age, lets me feel like I am bonding without nagging/forcing Ben into picking a name before he's ready, and c'mon, it's fun!  So, Picard/Vash - GROW BABY, GROW!!!

To the EM 8th & 9th Wards

Thank you so much for letting me join your Relief Society Activity last night!  You were all so very kind!  I know Heidi wanted to be there, but knowing she would have had to hurry off to accomplish another something, I'm glad I was able to fill in and answer questions.

There are a few things that I thought might be helpful to you, but of course they didn't cross my mind until I was laying in bed.

First, fabrics and yarn:
Choose the type of fabric you use carefully. Flannel works wonderfully, as do many cottons. Choose a fabric that is not so lightweight that it is see-through, unless you plan to line the gown. Fleece, while cuddly and warm, should only be used for larger gowns and should be a lightweight fleece. When you put a fleece gown on an 18-weeker, the bulk of the fabric drowns out the baby. Same thing if you make a matching hat, fleece simply doesn’t work well for our tiniest babies. Knits finish up nicely, but can be a bit more difficult to work with for beginners.

When selecting your fabric, keep in mind who will be using it. While a Sesame Street sleeper might be adorable on a happy little newborn, it just feels out of place on our precious angels. Pastel colors work best. If you do choose a fabric with a pattern, keep it subtle. Remember that pictures are usually taken and we don’t want the pattern in the fabric to compete for attention in a photograph.

If you choose a patterned fabric for a blanket, try to pair it with a solid gown. If the pattern of your fabric is a little loud, consider choosing a more subtle coordinating fabric for the back of the blanket. This will enable the photographer to use the less distracting side of the blanket for pictures.

Yarn: I use the Caron Simply Soft yarn for the crocheted outfits. It is a thinner yarn but really soft. Walmart usually has a decent price on this type of yarn. They will also price match any ad so you can get an even better deal if you're watching. You can make these outfits out of almost any yarn - I just prefer how soft these are. If you use a thicker yarn your outfit will turn out bigger. If you use a thinner yarn they will turn out smaller. Outfits of all sizes are needed.  Thicker yarns, like Red Heart, are also more scratchy which isn't always the best for peeling skin of these tiny babies.

Colors: We do a lot of white and cream outfits. These are gender neutral which work really well for any baby. Light blue and light pink are also colors we use a lot. Many angel babies are born with bruised or discolored skin. Certain colors really don't good next to that sweet baby skin. Some Heidi has warned me to stay away from are fuchsia, turquoise, bright yellow, orange, green, royal blue, and in general, really bright colors. Another thing she warns against using is variegated yarn - or yarn with more than one color. In these tiny outfits it generally turns out looking blotchy and just doesn't work well when photographing these tiny angels. If you do want to use variegated yarn, use it as more of an accent rather than the main yarn. Or just stick mostly to the basics of white, cream, blue, and pink. Simple, muted, solid colors work best.

Next, size chart: (**if you're trying to make neck/bow ties or headbands, the size chart in that link is VERY IMPORTANT for you!**)

For under 18 week gestation babies, use the Tiniest Angel Gowns crochet pattern with the Small/Medium diaper crochet pattern.  Also, fleece transfer-pads are nice for these smaller sizes, 10-14" square.  A burial pouch would also be nice in this size (or another version found HERE or HERE).

For 18-23 week gestation babies, use the X-Small gown or the Large Kimono crochet pattern, the Small sewn diaper or Large crochet diaper, and a coordinating 18-20" square blanket. 

For 24-29 week gestation babies, use the Small gown or Size A Gown (under Patterns tab), the Large sewn diaper, and a coordinating 20-22" square blanket. 

For 30-36 week gestation babies, use the Med/Lg gown or the Size B Gown (under Patterns tab),
and a coordinating 23-25" square blanket.  A 3.5 - 4.5" bracelet is also a nice touch for this age group.  A disposable preemie diaper is much easier than sewing a large enough diaper at this size.  I don't know of any sewn diapers this large.  If anyone else knows of some, let me know.

For larger/older babies, you can more easily go to the store and buy preemie or newborn sizes to fit these babies.  So, while there are still bereavement needs after 36 weeks, the need for homemade outfits decreases as stores carry these sizes.

Coordinating hats are also nice in each size - either knitted or made with a jersey knit fabric.  For these, I'd keep them one solid color.  We don't want them to distract from the very tiny baby being photographed.  Keep in mind the color suggestions listed above, too.

Alright!!

If you can think of anything else you need, let me know!  If anyone wants to add more pattern links, comment with them and I'll add them into the post!

Be sure to note THIS link, too.  It is to the current needs as determined by the Utah Share group.  Heidi and I can both get things distributed where they are needed, including to this group and to hospitals and to NILMDTS photographers. 

**EDIT** 
I wanted to add that I found the cutest PILLOW crochet pattern!  I shrunk it down (16 chain, F hook) and put it with the 18-23 week gestation patterns.  Look at this:

New Year's Questionaire

KEITH:

What is your favorite food?
tacos

What is your favorite thing to do?
play with friends (Dave and Kalli and Lana and Corbin most often)

What is your favorite movie?
Tinkerbell: Secret of the Wings

What is your favorite book?
Benotripia

What was your favorite part of Christmas this year?
opening presents, like Kinectimals

What do you want to do in 2013?
spend birthdays with cousins and friends

What did you enjoy most about 2012?
Easter (finding eggs in the garage, but I wish it was outside)

MITCHELL:

What is your favorite food?
chicken nuggets

What is your favorite thing to do?
blocks with Batman (Lego Batman game)

What is your favorite movie?
Batman (cartoons)

What was your favorite part of Christmas this year?
I wish I could play with Batman blocks for Christmas.

What did you enjoy most about 2012?
starting preschool  (also mentioned playing Lego Harry Potter with our Oregon friends)