Capture Your Grief - Day 4: Most Treasured Item

Day 4: Most Treasured Item

With Taylor, I never saw her.  I don't have foot prints.  I don't have pictures.  I don't have blankets that touched her.  I have nothing from her brief little life.  The placenta from her pregnancy is still in my freezer (go ahead and freak out, but it's not like it's touching anything - I have pictures of the placenta, but I doubt anyone will want to see that here), and during the actual miscarriage, I stained Kiersten's bed sheet with blood from the loss.  When I go in her room, when I see that blood stain on her bed, that's the closest I come to something that is from her life.  I purposefully did not treat the stain because I couldn't bare to wash away the last of her life.  Call me crazy, but that's how it is.  It is the ONLY thing I have to grasp onto.

With Seth, I held him for a couple hours, NILMDTS took pictures for me, and I have mementos from his birth that don't include a stain on a sheet.  One of the blankets that he was photographed on seems to mean more to me than the other.  There's one that he didn't touch, but somehow I saw it and my emotions grasped it.  And there's the bow he "held" in pictures with a charm that matched the one on the bracelet NILMDTS made for us as a set.  I hold these things when I need to feel closest to him.  I hold them and allow my tears to flow.  They are all I have left of my baby boy.

I am making shelves into little sanctuaries or memorials for my angel babies.  The shelves hold all the memorabilia and items that remind me of my babies.

These are the bears that MOLLY BEARS made for me.  I told them merely that light blue reminded me of Seth and that with Taylor, I liked red due to how androgynous it is and purple because it just feels right as I think Taylor would have shown to be a girl, had we seen her.  They came up with a way to make my bears beautiful using that tiny bit of inspiration.  I love the angel wings on the back.  I love my bears, weighted to their sizes, 2oz for Taylor and 3oz for Seth (if we had discovered he had died earlier, he would have been closer to 9oz, but when I held him, he was 3oz). 

Capture Your Grief - Day 3: After Loss Self Portrait

Day 3:  After Loss Self Portrait

Just as it was important to document the "before loss" days where the world was still a bright and cheery place, when the world held hope and promise, it's important to document the "after loss" too.  While pregnant with Seth after Taylor died, I was scared, but I still had hope.  I had known he would be a boy since I was pregnant with Taylor.  I could never envision Taylor's birth, and I never got to see her precious little body.  However, even when pregnant with Taylor, I could see my NEXT birth would be a boy.  I got to hold Seth.  Turns out there was a bit of prophesy in my dreams.  I've never received personal revelation in this way, that I'm aware of, so I didn't know that this should be preparing me for anything.  And, although I could envision Seth's birth, it was never with my midwife that I had chosen (she wasn't there for his birth, either, it was some random doctor that I'll never go to ever again).  I didn't know that I would lose Seth, but there were still some indications that were accurate in my dreams.

Taylor died approx 16 January and Seth died approx 13 July, about 6 months apart.  Taylor was born 23 January and Seth was born 07 August.  After losing two babies in the second trimester so close together, the thought of being pregnant again is terrifying.  I mean, I REALLY want more babies.  But I'm so scared of losing another.  I kind of hated my body for a while and stopped eating, for the most part.  Eventually I got hungry again, but I felt guilty every time I put something into my mouth, like I was rewarding my body despite its failure to keep either of my babies happy and healthy and alive.  But hunger won out.  I noticed the weight loss and decided I should roll with it while I had the chance.  I had the will power to say no to things, so I started choosing more healthy options and exerted that will power to say no to the not-so-healthy things.  Of all the things that I have no control over, I DO have control over my actions.  I figure, it's time to take responsibility for my actions and make better choices for my body so that maybe next time it won't fail me.  Maybe if I care for my body, it will care for my babies.  So I started with a cleanse, and then I started something called The PINK Method.  I've been working HARD!!  And here is me now (22.4 lbs lighter than when I found out I had lost Seth, too):

Capture Your Grief - Day 2: Before Loss Self Portrait

Day 2: Before Loss Self Portrait

This is me in Dec 2011, about a month before losing Taylor.  I guess it's not a "self-portrait" as a friend actually took it, but it's a random picture.  I was approx. 9 weeks pregnant with my sweet Taylor.

This is me in June 2012, about three weeks before Seth died but about six weeks before we found out he had passed.  Again, not a "self-portrait" but I don't generally take many pictures of myself.  I was approx. 13 weeks pregnant with my sweet Seth.

Capture Your Grief - Day 1: Sunrise

Carly Marie Project Heal is hosting a month long photography project of healing called "Capture Your Grief."  She suggests printing up the pictures in the end to put them in our memory boxes for our angel babies.  I'm actually really excited to take part in this!  I'm by no means anything close to a GOOD photographer, but they'll be MY pictures.

Here is her outline/suggestions:

Today is Day 1: Sunrise.  I think this is perfectly appropriate because the sun continues to rise every single day, despite how we feel, despite the fact that our babies are not here to witness it.  It's also symbolic of our healing, just as the sun does, we are rising each morning, we are beginning our journey of healing each day.  And with grief, it really is a daily journey.  There isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of our angel babies and how much we still love them and miss them.

So, from Utah, here is this morning's sunrise:

From my back door

The moon still in the sky - from my front door

The Flag with a beautiful sun-kissed mountain top - from my front door

From my back door - sunrise was supposedly half an hour ago, but they seem to have not accounted for the mountains being in the way!!

From my back door - Look!  There it comes!
With this beautiful blue sky around it, I'm dedicating THIS ONE to
SETH MICAH HARVEY
I love you, sweet baby boy!

My last attempt - from my back door - couldn't get one without the red flower petals around it.
With the red flower, THIS ONE reminds me of my dearest
TAYLOR HARVEY
Mommy loves you, baby girl!

First Memory Boxes - Missing Malachi

Today I delivered the first two memory boxes.  A girl in one of my loss groups (yes, I belong to more than one) just lost another baby, and she lives nearby-ish, so rather than letting the hospital give her some randomness to choose from, I decided she needed a memory box made with love especially for her.  I already feel so connected to her.  She has 3 children in her home, lost one baby in her second trimester back in January, and is delivering her 16 week gestation angel-boy today.  Sound familiar?  Sounds exactly like me!  3 kids in my home, lost Taylor in the second trimester in January, and delivered my 16 week angel-Seth just 6 weeks ago TODAY.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about her, her husband, and her angels.  I'm not typically a hugging kind of person, but I wanted to hug her husband as I gave him the memory boxes, and I want to hug this girl so badly, I can't hardly stand it.

I wanted to share the pictures of the boxes with you because so many others helped to make them happen.  Somehow I didn't take a picture of the actual baskets we used, and I hate that I didn't because my friend, Barbara C., really painted and decorated them up cutely!  I did two - one boy and one girl - because I had expected to deliver a girl but it ended up being a boy, so JUST IN CASE, I wanted this sweet mama to have the right stuff.

In the GIRL box/basket, we included a purple 8 1/2 x 11" purple binder with scrapbook pages inside.

Lynnette P. and I spent several hours making these pages used in the girl scrapbook.

We worked hard to make sure there were journaling spots, photo spots, and places for any more embellishments a mom might want to add to it.

I included hand and foot print stickers, silver script letter stickers, and tear/rain drop stickers.  Plus, thank you cards.  I had been so touched by the people who did so much for us that I just HAD to get cards out to each of them.  Of course, I only got the first batch out.  The second batch was to family for flowers and a gift.  I texted them.  Does that count?  If I had been really on the ball, I would have put stamps on the envelopes, too.

In the BOY box/basket, we put these 12x12" scrapbook pages inside a book donated by Tracy A.  Actually, Tracy donated the baskets, too!!  And these pages were donated by Lisa P.  THANK YOU LADIES for your help!!

Yvonne W. made this set of two blankets, 2 gowns/shirts, and 2 diapers using the Teeny Tears pattern. 
This was the BOY set.

This yellow set of shirts/gowns, diapers, and blanket was also made by Yvonne W. 
Barbara C. and I made the bracelets.  This was the GIRL set.

This is the boy set of bracelets that Barbara C. and I made.  The baby bracelets will be HUGE but they'll figure it out.

This BOY burial outfit, hat, booties, and blanket was made by my friend, Vicky N. of Paper Angel Designs. 
The pants velcro on the inside so that they'll come completely open.  Tiny babies can be very fragile, so the arms and legs of an outfit might not be possible.  Her clothes come completely open so that they can be laid on top of the baby, then tied on in the back.  Most of the boy outfits come with long legs that can be trimmed or folded as needed.

This is the GIRL burial outfit, hat, booties, and blanket made by Vicky N. of Paper Angel Designs. 
She makes fantastic tiny clothes!

  

In the GIRL basket, I added this journal, two bunnies (one for mom, one for the casket), two packs of tissues, and
the Scentsy travel tin (Sweet Pea & Vanilla for the little sweet pea) was donated by Natalie D.

In the BOY basket, there is a journal under this blue/yellow moon blanket (Vicky N.), two bears (one for mom, one for the casket), two packs of tissues, and a Scentsy travel tin (Thunderstorm scent during a thunderstorm in life).

This is the boy basket, made with so much love, especially for angel baby Malachi Dexter Allred. 

If somehow the ultrasound was wrong, and this sweet mama ends up having a little girl instead, her basket was still made with so much love JUST FOR HER.  If it goes unused today, it is being left at the IHC hospital in Riverton, UT for another sweet angel gone too soon.  Ashley A., know that you are in the hearts and minds of SO MANY PEOPLE today.  I hope you get the opportunity to spend some time with Malachi.  I know that time will create some of the most treasured memories the mother of an angel baby could have. 

I am so happy to have helped put all of this together for Ashley, Josh, and their sweet Malachi all in remembrance of my angel babies - Taylor & Seth Micah Harvey.  I love you both and I hope you are honored by the work being done in your memory.  Find Malachi and help him as he comforts his mother through this heart wrenching week, month, and year.  

P.S.  Diapers made in memory of Seth were featured on the Teeny Tears blog this week. 

Grave Stone

Just ordered Seth's gravestone. The cemetery has regulations for stones in the infant section of the cemetery. It's a tiny 8x16 and online, the stone only was $189.  Setting the stone will be around another $200, plus another $150 for the vase to be set into the cement border (required by the cemetery, the cement is, not the vase, but I want the vase), plus the city charges $100 when you set the stone.  Just under $650 for the whole thing compared to some local companies that charge more than that just for the stone itself!  Really, we only saved about $200 going the online route, but anyway...

As you know, Ben and I had two Star Trek names picked out to use for the baby, once we found out the gender, until settling on a real name at birth. As we went in that day for the ultrasound at 19 weeks, we were going to find out if we were going to be calling our baby Worf (boy) or Sito Jaxa (girl) for the next 20 weeks until s/he was born. Instead, we found out our baby had died. The u/s tech was sure it was a girl, but at birth we found out our little one was a boy. We had wanted to put the Star Trek emblem on the stone, but despite several emails and being guided and directed to different people in different departments, I never heard back from the final person. So I ordered the stone today without the emblem. I'm kinda sad about that as it was going to be our little happy moment when visiting his grave. Instead, we got a teddy bear graphic, foot prints hopefully sized to his feet (2cm heel to toe, not HIS footprints, but the right SIZE anyway), and a heart corner-piece with a stemmed rose.

I wish we could have gotten that emblem on the stone.  But we didn't want to wait a long time before getting the stone set.  I want his grave marked properly.  Right now, I have pictures of who is buried around him so I don't lose his unmarked spot.  :( 

What a bittersweet day.  I'm happy to have it ordered, but it really sucks having to buy your son's grave marker.

 

Here is a preview of the stone:

 

 

Testimony

First, I want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has decided to help make these memory boxes!  I hope it can be an ongoing project of love for years on end!  I am so humbled by how quickly so many of you have jumped at the chance to help out!  Some of you have said you don't really have anything to donate, don't have a crafty bone in your body, or are far enough away that you don't know how to help.  So, I've made an amazon wish list so that everyone who wants to can help out!!  I have it set up so that my address is entered in for shipping.  Some of the items are not from amazon, but other sites - if I can find something similar on amazon, I'll post it on there also.  But the other sites had better prices.  Not sure how the other sites part actually works.  Anyway, it's there and THANK YOU for wanting to help in this endeavor!!

Now, for today:
If you're unfamiliar with my religion, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or LDS/Mormon.  Every month on the first Sunday, we fast (go without food and water for one day or two meals while praying for guidance, for help for ourselves or someone else, or some other reason, but we fast while praying with a purpose), and then we go to church and hold a Fast & Testimony meeting rather than the regular meeting of talks given to uplift, guide, and support each other.  Today was a Fast & Testimony meeting Sunday.

Several people had gone up and shared their testimony already, and then it got really quiet.  That rarely happens in our ward as we are filled with some of the most amazingly spiritual and loving and faithful people I've ever met.  But it was quiet.  And I began fighting back tears.  It was quiet because I needed to go share my testimony.  Except I'm a great big chicken, and I was fighting tears before even standing up, so how in the world was I going to speak?  So I didn't.  I'm a little ashamed that I didn't, but I promised myself I would share it here instead.

I wanted to share that, although I'm still suffering through losing two babies so far this year and my emotions are a mess, my faith is not.  My faith is still strong.  I know that my Heavenly Father loves me.  I know that my Savior, Jesus Christ, loves me.  They know ME.  They know MY trials, MY sufferings, MY joy, MY desires, MY heart, ME.  And they care and love ME.  This love is expressed to me through the wonderful outpouring of love and support I've received from so many people, including some that I haven't seen in a long time or haven't even talked to in a long time or that I didn't think ever even noticed me!  But people have noticed, and they care.  And I appreciate it so very much.

Even when life presents us with trials as harsh as burying your child, remember that it's not because we deserved it, because we are hated, because we did anything wrong.  Instead, remember that our Heavenly Father and Savior are both there to help us as we endure it.  Losing a child isn't something anyone ever "gets through" or "gets over" because it stays with us forever.  Every single day, I think of my Taylor and my Seth, and I miss them.  Don't ever be afraid of bringing them up because I'd rather talk about them than think no one else remembers them or cares about them.  Bringing them up *might* make me cry, or hold back tears as best I can, or I may smile - either way, the tears and the smiles are out of love for them and appreciation that you cared to speak their names. 

Although I already believed that every life had meaning, I've learned that belief comes from the mind while a compelling faith comes from the heart and soul.  Now, my heart and soul have a pure faith in the truth that every life has meaning, no matter how brief that life may be.  I'm learning this more and more every day as people are moved to volunteer to help with these memory boxes.  One lady donated enough pre-made scrapbook pages for 8 scrapbooks (4 double pages each).  Another lady donated a box FULL of scrapbooking supplies (had to be a good solid $100 worth) along with baskets and wooden boxes with frames on the top.  Another donated fabric, which I promptly took to yet another lady who is sewing gowns, diapers, and blankets/pouches.  Another is helping me search for donations.  Another is donating her time and talents to crocheting, knitting, and sewing burial outfits, hats, blankets, etc.  Taylor and Seth are both being honored as everyone helps me make these memory boxes for other grieving parents and their lost babies.  Their lives have meaning, despite how brief they were, because I was introduced to a need that I am now able to help fill along with the help of so many others.  Their short lives inspired love and kindness from others in SO VERY MANY forms. 

So, I testify to you that our Heavenly Father and our Savior both know and love each of us individually.  I testify to you that They show this love through the kindnesses of others, as well through The Comforter, the Holy Ghost.  I testify to you that every life, no matter how brief, has purpose.  And I encourage everyone to pray more, get to know these loving heavenly beings, and allow yourself to open your heart and mind to being instructed and directed to show kindness to those around you.

Again, I am so humbled by the outpour of love shown by those around me, and by the compassion shown by all those who are wanting to help with these memory boxes.  They are going to bring a bit of love and comfort to families going through one of the hardest moments of their lives - the death of their child(ren).  Thank you for getting involved, no matter if it's with my project or any other.  Thank you.